your-world-taxes-thumb

Posted By: Alfred Matthew 2009-04-25

Robot Mariners Extend Perfect Record in 23,145 to 6 Victory Over Sheep-Clone Angels

In his 6,523rd career game, EDGARTRON-3000 led the Robot Mariners to their landmark 65,536th consecutive win Friday night against the Los Angeles Sheep-Clone Angels.

As usual, the team scored precisely 23,145.0 runs in a perfectly precise execution of baseball. The nine-inning romp included an average of 642.9167 home runs by each of the nine electronic players as the team extended its league-leading record to 3.91*10⁷⁵

Posted By: Addison Berkeley 2009-01-15

Stop Whining and Start Visualizing

You know what? I have had it with all the gloomy, depressing talk about the economy. I think it is time for us to stop whining, get off our butts, and do something about this mess we find ourselves in.

There is nothing we can do to change the past. We should not dwell on the fact that George W. Bush has personally ruined our careers, destroyed our hard-earned home equity, and driven us into suffocating credit card debt. Now is not the time for that.

Posted By: Ash Grimm 2008-08-04

2009-03-29

City of Kirkland Outlaws Layoffs

In a decisive and timely move during an emergency special session Saturday night, the Kirkland city council voted unanimously to pass Ordinance 4188, which prohibits any further layoffs at any company within the city limits.

“As the economic crisis continues deepen, Kirkland simply cannot afford to be marred by the destructive connotations associated with layoffs,” said Kirkland Mayor James Lauinger in a prepared statement.

2008-12-31

Nickels: Seattle #1 Bestest City in Universe

2008-12-18

WILL IT NEVER END?!?

2008-12-03

Burien Emo Still Recovering from Awful Thanksgiving

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2008-06-30

Empty Kenmore Denny’s Still Standing, Nobody Cares

One week after the iconic Ballard Denny’s building was unceremoniously smashed to bits, the 31-year-old Denny’s restaurant building in Kenmore continues to remain standing, a blatant mockery of all that is good and wholesome.

While the architecturally interesting Ballard Denny’s met the steel claw of progress last week, the exceptionally ordinary Kenmore Denny’s building has so far avoided meeting the same fate.

Since the closure of Denny’s in May of 2006, the nondescript building has been sitting gutted and empty without so much as a peep from local neighbors…

2008-11-12

Starbucks to Beg, Plead, and Drug Customers

Following a dismal fourth quarter report which saw profit tumble by 97 percent, Starbucks has announced a bold, multi-faceted plan to reposition itself in the harsh economy through a combination of in-your-face customer service, excessive begging/pleading, and illicit drug use.

Although delusional CEO Howard Schultz appears to truly believe that the company is in better shape to weather rough economic times following a year of violent layoffs…

2008-08-20

Paul Allen Announces “Because I Can” Streetcar Line

Building on the unbridled success and runaway popularity of the South Lake Union Trolley, a spokesman for Paul Allen’s Vulcan Inc. announced Wednesday that construction of a second streetcar line in the neighborhood will begin immediately.

The new “Because I Can” line will run approximately half a mile, circling the three blocks bounded by Republican Street to the north, Boren Avenue to the west, Pontius Avenue to the east, and Harrison Street to the south. The streetcar will have a single stop, located on Harrison.

“With the South Lake Union Line already running at nearly eight percent capacity, we cannot afford to waste time on this new line,” said Allen in a written statement released by Vulcan. “I have already purchased the property at 1165 Harrison and will begin demolition of the existing structure as soon as we acquire permits from the city.”

2008-04-30

Amazon: Kindle is the greatest! Seriously, buy one RIGHT NOW! Kindle Kindle Kindle!

In an announcement on Amazon.com’s front page this week, CEO Jeff Bezos declared Kindle—their handheld electronic reading device—to be an overwhelming success, unmatched since the dawn of time by any achievement in the universe.

“Dear Customers,” begins the message from Bezos. “We continue to be astonished at your insatiable hunger for Kindle: our earth-shattering nirvana delivery system.”

“To date, we have sold more than three hundred Kindles for every man, woman, and child on planet Earth,” the note continued, “That’s over two trillion Kindles in just six months.”

2008-05-15

I Can Eat This Entire Burger in One Bite

You see this burger? The one right here in front of me, sitting on my plate? I can eat this entire burger in one bite.

That’s right; I can just pop the whole thing right into my mouth and scarf it down all at once.

You don’t believe me? Well, that’s a crucial error on your part. I know my mouth better than I know the back of my hand, and certainly well enough to make an accurate assessment of how much food it can or cannot hold at one time.