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Local 2008-05-03

Study Confirms Seattleites’ Self-Importance

At South Kitsap’s annual science fair last week sophomore Erin Rheinstadt published the results of her groundbreaking three-day study titled “The effects of an inland body of salt water on regional attitudes of superiority.”

The five page double-spaced paper and accompanying three-panel display board showed how Rheinstadt applied the scientific method to test her theory that people living on the east side of Puget Sound are far more smug than those living on the west side…

Local 2008-04-20

Jumbo-Sized Frosted Mini Wheats Blow Tukwila Man’s Mind

Twenty-eight-year-old Tukwila resident Steve Swenson had his mind blown on Saturday by the Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats: Big Bite cereal that he enjoyed for breakfast.

“I pulled the box out of the pantry and was like, whoa,” said Swenson, a Supply Chain Specialist for local aerospace manufacturer Boeing. “It’s like, they’re mini, but big at the same time… how is that possible?”

Local 2008-04-19

Snowy Apocalypse Descends Upon Puget Sound

In an unmistakable sign of God’s anger toward the numerous and flagrant sins of the greater Seattle region, a storm of heavy snow and lightning descended upon the area the evening of April 18th.

“Nude bicycle parades, gay newspapers, and an extreme idolization of coffee are all abominations to me,” said The Almighty. “And don’t even get me started on that terrible stank they got going on down in Tacoma.”

Local 2008-04-16

Hundreds of Thousands Return to Self-Centered Lives

Over 175,000 people returned to their usual self-centered lives today after attending various events during the Dalai Lama’s five-day “Seeds of Compassion” Seattle tour.

Throughout his visit to Seattle, the Dalai Lama spoke extensively of kindness and compassion, to approving applause from crowds numbering in the tens of thousands. Following these inspirational events, residents of the Seattle area promptly went back to their day-to-day lives, living in exactly the same way as before.

Local 2008-04-11

Unwitting Viewers Tricked into Watching Entire Boring Newscast

Using the lure of a “twisted take on local headlines,” KOMO 4 eleven o’clock news team Dan Lewis and Mary Nam succeeded last night in tricking unwitting viewers into sitting through an entire newscast filled with tedious stories and depressing tales of woe.

A new Seattle-area parody news website was used as bait in ads promoting the newscast during the seven, eight, nine and ten o’clock hours, and the story was dangled in front of viewers like a caramel-covered strawberry marshmallow…

Local 2008-04-06

Student Exchange Program Benefits Bellevue Snobs and Auburn Peasants

For the past three months, Bellevue schools have been pioneering an exciting new student exchange program with school children in the immeasurably less fortunate village of Auburn, located in the poverty-stricken wastelands south of Seattle.

In the program, students from Bellevue schools endure a week living with a host family in Auburn while their counterparts are granted a temporary glimpse of life outside of the rural slums.

Local 2008-04-02

DOT Announces New Ultra-Green Ferry Routes

Citing environmental concerns, the Washington State Department of Transportation announced new system-wide ferry routes today.

“Holy crap,” said state Transportation Secretary Paula Hammond, “it turns out that the Puget Sound has a lot of wildlife!” She explained that the new routes will allow ferries to avoid disturbing sensitive natural habitats, with the minor side effect of quadrupling most crossing times.

Local 2008-04-01

Violence at UW Linked to Professors

After months of chasing dead ends, police investigating a recent wave of violent attacks at the University of Washington have finally broken the case wide open.

Following a tip from an anonymous student, police staged an elaborate three-week stakeout operation that led to the break in the case, and the arrest of seven individuals. Unconfirmed reports have confirmed that those arrested were in fact tenured faculty at the university.

Local 2008-04-01

Woman Shocked to Learn Fremont Statue not John Lennon

Lake Forest Park resident Mary Sullivan was shocked on Wednesday when she learned that Fremont’s famous statue of Lenin is in fact an image of the Soviet leader Vladimir Lenin, not the late singer-songwriter John Lennon, as she previously believed.

“Lenin and Lennon sound pretty much the same,” said Sullivan. “When people talked about Fremont’s statue of Lenin, I just assumed it was John Lennon.”