Headlines

Headlines 2009-04-17

Bremerton to Seattle: “You’re ugly.” Seattle to Bremerton: “Yeah, well you’re poor.”

Headlines

Queen Anne Man Admits: “I kinda miss the snow,” Receives Well- Deserved Gut Punch

Headlines

Elections Director Blatently Violates Election Law, Receives Award

Headlines

Diagnoses of Inauguration Fever Up Ten Thousand Percent

Headlines

Totally Rad Snowfort Finally Melts Completely Away

Headlines 2008-12-23

The Day After Tomorrow Declared Seattle’s Official Movie

Headlines 2008-12-09

Mayor Nickels Breaks Legs in Violent Hippopotomous Encounter

Headlines 2008-12-04

Improper Ribbon Usage #1 Cause of Holiday-Related Deaths

Headlines 2008-11-20

Wedgewood Resident: Tell the Neighbor’s Crazy Psycho Dog to Stop Staring at Me

Headlines 2008-11-18

1 in 5 Headline Writers Use Meaningless Stats to Fill Space

Headlines 2008-11-13

Dept. of Ecology Fines Orca L-pod for Illegal Dumping

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2008-05-25

How are We Affording Homes Around the Sound?

2008-10-08

Former WaMu Customers Peeved at New JPMorgan Ads

Call centers at New York-based JPMorgan Chase & Co. were flooded with angry calls this week following the company’s launch of their first advertising campaign in the newly-acquired Seattle market.

Former WaMu customers were livid at the slogan used in the ads: “We’re Like You, But Much Richer™.” The television spots feature dozens of caricatures of Northwesterners such as “Logger,” “Grunge Band Guitarist,” and “Radio Psychologist.”

2008-04-01

City Council Votes to Make Seattle “Greenest City Ever”

In a 7-2 decision on Monday, the Seattle City Council passed a sweeping city-wide program intended to literally make Seattle the “Greenest City Ever,” by painting each and every structure within the city limits a delightful shade of forest green. Residents and businesses alike will be required to participate in the new program, which will begin in 2010.

“We’ve made a lot of progress toward becoming the leader in green issues…”

2008-05-01

Avoiding the Construction Crazies

Thanks to its irresistible natural, economic, and cultural allure, the Puget Sound has seen an explosion of population in the last few years, and will continue to grow ever more rapidly in the years to come. In fact, over ten million people are expected to move here just next year, escaping such inhospitable locales as California, Japan, and Portland.

Growth is great for the local economy, but all these new residents obviously need places to live…

2008-08-04

Mutant Man-Mouse Hybrid Escapes UW Lab

Disaster struck the U District Monday, as a 6-foot, three-hundred-pound man-mouse hybrid escaped from containment at the University of Washington’s Comparative Genomics Center (CGC) and rampaged through the neighborhood, leaving a trail of terrified children and weirded out adults in its wake.

“It was awful,” said U District resident Penny Orting. “It just came out of nowhere and started waving its hands all over the place, slowly walking toward the children… and they just stood there, paralyzed with fear.”

The genetic abomination is the result of ten years of study at the CGC. A secret project codenamed “Icy Smoke Emu” was funded by $82 million obtained through an innocuous-looking line-item for “test vials” in the biology department’s annual budget.

Headlines

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