Seattleites Beg City Council for Additional Taxes, Fees

In the wake of historic prosperity and financial abundance, residents of Seattle are begging, pleading, and petitioning the city council for massive hikes in taxes and fees.

In response to the citizens’ increasingly vocal requests, the city council held a special session last Friday to discuss existing taxes and fees that can be raised and new sources that can be created.

“Raising fees and taxes is ordinarily the last thing we would want to do,” said Council President Richard Conlin. “But we are elected to do what the people want, not to push our own agendas.”

Doubling parking meter prices was among the potential new levies discussed by the city council, as was the institution of a new “blogger fee,” which would charged all in-city bloggers seventy-five cents per post.

“We’re interested in creating win-win scenarios here,” said Conlin. “Everybody hates cars. Jacking up the price to park: win-win. Seattle bloggers are some of the most outspoken proponents of raising taxes and creating new fees. Blogger fee: win-win.”

Local businesses and residents alike were thrilled with the council’s quick response to citizen concerns.

Paul Robinson, a representative of the Fremont Order of Opulent Landowners, said that the impact of increased fees and taxes will be appreciated, whether or not there is any measurable increase in government services.

“We just enjoy giving money to the government,” said Robinson.

Overcrowded downtown Seattle businesses also support increases in fees and taxes wherever possible, primarily due to the beneficial effect of keeping many out-of-town shoppers away.

“There has been a real problem lately with just too many people shopping downtown,” said Barbara Newman, a spokesperson for the Downtown Urban Merchant Businesses. “Fee and tax increases are a perfect way to clear up space in our stores for our core shoppers.”

At one point during Friday’s special session, councilmember Jan Drago raised the question of whether brazen and massive increases in taxes and fees was the kind of thing the city council should be spending its time on.

After a few seconds of awkward silence, Drago and the rest of the council shared a hearty laugh, then moved on to agenda item III – Proposed Fee Increases.