Seattle City Council Passes Critically Important Scooter-Mover Fine

In a landmark unanimous 7-0 vote Monday, the Seattle City Council decisively addressed one of the cities’ biggest problems: rogue scooter-movers.

As the price of gasoline has risen to absolutely unbearable levels and riding a bicycle has remained as physically challenging as ever, an average of 50,000 new scooters per week have been added to Seattle streets. Feeling increasingly alone and intimidated in the massive sea of brightly-colored two-wheeled toys, some car drivers have taken indecent moving liberties with scooters that do not belong to them.

“I cannot believe that some people would have the gall to move a scooter just so they can get their car out of a parallel parking spot,” said Councilmember Jan Drago, chair of the Transportation Committee. “It is low-life criminals like this that can really ruin an otherwise perfect paradise of a city.”

Enforcement of the new $38 fine will be challenging, but council members are confident that Seattle police are up to the task. In order to catch the vile scooter-movers in the act, hundreds of teams made up of three to five undercover police officers will stake out possible targets around the city.

The new law also covers four-wheeled vehicles, a measure that was taken in order to combat a wave of pranksters moving sedans and SUVs onto roofs and into sewers.

“This is only the beginning,” said Drago, referring to the council’s ongoing effort to create the most complex series of parking codes in the history of the universe.

The fine will be enforced immediately and retroactively back to Seattle’s 1869 incorporation upon its signature by Mayor Nickels.