May 2009

The Papyrus Virus 2009-05-11

I Heart Scott Kurtz

Scott Kurtz, the artist behind the webcomic PvP has put up a gem of a comic today. I won’t spoil it by pasting a small excerpt here. You should just go and spend 10 seconds reading it yourself: PvPonline » The Font Snob

God bless you, Scott Kurtz.

China Declares War on Tectonic Plates

In response to Monday’s devastating earthquake, the People’s Republic of China has declared war on Earth’s tectonic plates.

“Killing over 10,000 of our citizens and destroying our highways, schools, hospitals, and countless homes is clearly an act of war,” said Premier Wen Jiabao. “For too long we have allowed the brutal aggressions of the tectonic plates to go unanswered—no more.”

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Obama Urges Congress to “Spend like there’s no tomorrow, because if you don’t, THERE MAY NOT BE A TOMORROW.”

Citing an “economic booby trap of elephantine proportions,” President-elect Barack Obama urged Congress yesterday to pass yet another costly and ultimately ineffective “stimulus” bill as quickly as possible.

In response to the very utterance of the world’s favorite bureaucrat, stock prices surged in yet another record-setting rally—an undeniably positive sign that experts say signals an end to the economic crisis for the seventeenth time in the past six months.

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Paul Allen Announces “Because I Can” Streetcar Line

Building on the unbridled success and runaway popularity of the South Lake Union Trolley, a spokesman for Paul Allen’s Vulcan Inc. announced Wednesday that construction of a second streetcar line in the neighborhood will begin immediately.

The new “Because I Can” line will run approximately half a mile, circling the three blocks bounded by Republican Street to the north, Boren Avenue to the west, Pontius Avenue to the east, and Harrison Street to the south. The streetcar will have a single stop, located on Harrison.

“With the South Lake Union Line already running at nearly eight percent capacity, we cannot afford to waste time on this new line,” said Allen in a written statement released by Vulcan. “I have already purchased the property at 1165 Harrison and will begin demolition of the existing structure as soon as we acquire permits from the city.”

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Hearst Chairman Eyes P-I HQ as Personal Residence

Friday’s news that the Hearst Corporation will cease all printing operations at the Seattle P-I if a buyer for the paper is not found within 60 days shocked journalism enthusiasts across the Puget Sound.

While some crazy rumors have circulated that the impending closure is due to the fact that the paper has been bleeding money for years, The Naked Loon has obtained an exclusive interview with a high-ranking Hearst executive who reveals the real reason for the sale.

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What are you having for lunch today?

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