Shorts

Local, Shorts 2008-11-24

Jesus Reportedly Primarily Interested in Granting Followers the Easy Life

According to a series of recent radio ads, Jesus Christ—Lord and Savior of all mankind who died on the cross for our sins and was raised again on the third day—is primarily interested in granting His followers the easy life.

“In this fast-paced world,” begins one ad, “it’s easy to lose sight of what’s really important … your life.”

Bothell Man Experiences Uncharacteristically Safe, Friendly Commute

Business, Shorts

Company Revenue Probably About to Expand

Business, Shorts

Microsoft Adds Sierra Mist to Break Rooms

2008-06-24

Space Needle Totally Around Here Somewhere

The Space Needle is totally around here somewhere, I’m sure of it.

Yes, I realize we’ve been wandering around downtown for two hours now. That just means we must be close, right?

No, I will not stop to ask for directions. I realize that this is our first time Seattle, and I may not know where every little thing is located. But I’ll be danged if I stoop to getting any so-called direction from one of these prancified coffee-swilling yuppies.

Read More

2008-06-07

How To: Get Internet in Your Own Home

As you walk the happening streets of Ballard, you may occasionally overhear some trendy young people talking about something called “Internet.” Internet is like a kind of world-wide computer brain that knows everything. With Internet you can find the answer any question and satisfy any craving, no matter how base and repulsive it may be.

Getting Internet into your home can be tricky, which is why The Naked Loon has compiled this quick guide to getting Internet.

In order to get Internet, you first need to realize what Internet is, and just as importantly, what it is not. It’s not a big truck that you can just back up to your garage or something. You need technology to get Internet.

Read More

2008-11-26

Bizarre Weather System to Slam Washington this Winter

Meteorologists at the University of Washington issued a warning to Pacific Northwest residents Wednesday for an extreme weather system this winter.

“We have recently weathered both El Niño and her little sister La Niña,” said UW meteorologist Stan Cooper. But the danger looming on the horizon is far worse. “Citizens should prepare for the worst this winter as Basura Blanca, El Niño’s drunken neighbor, hits the Northwest in full force.”

Read More

2008-09-04

Stocks Slide on Stock Sliding Worries

Crestfallen investors sent stocks tumbling Thursday, pushing the Dow Jones Industrials down over 340 points after shareholders and depositors continued the sell-off that began late last year, devastating hopes for a late-year recovery.

The market was already nervous as it waited for the government to release its August fall fashions report on Friday. So news from the nation’s financial centers that shareholders curtailed their buying last month due to a lower stock prices came as a heavy blow.

Read More

2008-08-18

Attractive Statue Honoring Deserving Local Icons Bewilders Fremont Residents

The unveiling of an exquisitely-crafted bronze statue honoring a pair of admirable local stars triggered widespread panic and confusion among residents of Seattle’s Fremont neighborhood Sunday afternoon.

The superb level of detail and craftsmanship in the statue titled “Late for the Interurban” mystified residents, accustomed to crude concrete depictions found in such local treasures as the Fremont Troll and “Waiting for the Interurban.”

The deserving nature of the local heroes now enshrined in bronze also served to upset and bewilder the locals. Home to a contentious statue of communist leader Vladimir Lenin, Fremont has long maintained a sense of community pride in its ability to embrace art that would ordinarily cause any self-respecting American throw up a little in their mouth.

Read More