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Al-Qaeda to Close Seattle Cell, Cites High Insurance Costs

A bi-vocational jihadist takes a moment away from the espresso machine to ponder what the al-Qaeda announcement will mean for his career.
Seth Anderson | Flickr↑ click to enlarge ↑A bi-vocational jihadist takes a moment away from the espresso machine to ponder what the al-Qaeda announcement will mean for his career.

After months of silence, a video released from al-Qaeda on Monday announced that the struggling organization will close 150 terror cells worldwide, including in Seattle.

The unnamed spokesman in the grainy video cited skyrocketing insurance costs as the primary reason for closing the Seattle cell. “Health, dental, vision, life, automobile, home… it adds up fast,” said the figure.

Most of the local terror cell jobs will be outsourced to Iraq and Pakistan. The move has upset local dedicated al-Qaeda operatives.

“I left my job at Microsoft because I believed in this organization’s three values: Death to America, establish caliphate, and taking care of the martyrs with full vision and dental,” said Shoreline al-Qaeda member Ahmed Moqed. “But Death to Pakistan, and I have to pay my family’s premiums out of pocket? This is not what al-Qaeda stands for.”

Although current al-Qaeda operatives in the affected cities will be offered the option of transferring with their jobs, al-Qaeda officials expect fewer than 10% of eligible members to pursue this choice.

“I don’t hate America’s freedom,” said Fazul al-Masri, a soon to be unemployed explosives technician. “But I do hate this enormous pile of bills I get just from a single visit to the doctor,” he said, motioning to a stack of no fewer than 50 envelopes on his desk.

The figure in the al-Qaeda video stressed that the move should not be taken as a sign of weakness, but of strength and resolve. The organization believes that by consolidating its resources it will be more effective in its battle against the great satan. “We realized that pouring such a large amount of our funding straight from rich Saudi pockets to rich American insurance companies was somewhat counter-productive,” he said.

The news comes at a difficult time for al-Qaeda members across the United States, as a struggling economy and rising gas prices are already putting pressure on family budgets. The shadowy figure in the video emphasized that al-Qaeda understands the challenges, but everyone is making sacrifices. The terrorist mouthpiece explained: “Jihad isn’t free you know.”

Story Tip: Dylan Wilbanks of Seattle Metblogs – Thanks, Dylan!

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9 Comments on “Al-Qaeda to Close Seattle Cell, Cites High Insurance Costs”

  1. Allah be with you my friends, but given the fact that the mayor of Seattle and the Governor has done nothing to provide us with facilities and other things we need, we are moving to Nacogdoches, Texas where we will be more welcome.

  2. But keep in mind, there’s still the promise of the virgins for the martyrs, despite the loss of vision and dental. This, in and of itself, is quite an incentive.

  3. Not to mention the local elected infidels cannot work with Sonics ownership to secure a new arena agreement. Because of this great satan Shultz and the mayor I can do nothing with this 2009 season tickets. May Allah be merciful and allow the Storm to do well this year.

  4. Ahhh, Nacogdoches, Texas. Who knew? Long Live the Hot Biscuit!

  5. I think someone should check out the Nacogdoches story. At age 75, I’ve seen quite a bit of the world and, if I were still interested in virgins, one of the last places I would go is Texas.

  6. With all of the rising costs of oil and their explosive derivatives, we are having to charge our key suicide customers more for our unstable products.

    Our other terror cells have seen shipping costs hinder their fine craft with them having to use smaller more fuel efficient car bombs.

    It is hard to make an honest living these days that many of my brothers and sisters are getting real jobs serving coffee to these greedy capitalists.

    Makes one want to cry tears for Allah…

  7. Gosh…Nacogdoches, Texas…and I’ve been looking for a place to retire. How close is that to the County Of Absolute Certainty where our presidential puppet resides? Before I heard of Nacogdoches I was planning to retire in Protechius Yo-ashes, Wyoming close to the Right Hand of God. Could she be relocating?

  8. Well, there is always PARAGOULD, ARKANSAS!

  9. Excellent humor. I did not know that part of me could laugh.

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