Arts & Entertainment

Editor’s note: Thanks to the uncanny prescience of our writing staff, The Naked Loon is able to bring you the big news about today’s Sonics ruling ten whole hours before anyone else!

Welcome to the future, Seattle.

As U.S. District Judge Marsha Pechman handed down her decision today in Seattle’s lawsuit against the Sonics, team owner Clay Bennett successfully maintained his trademark scowl without displaying even so much as a slight twitch at the corner of his lips.

When Judge Pechman’s ruling was revealed at 4:00 this afternoon…

Lawyers for the city of Seattle scored a virtual slam dunk in the city’s trial with Sonics’ ownership on Wednesday.

The turning point came when the city revealed a series of enthusiastic text messages between Clay Bennett and other members of the Professional Basketball Club that confirmed their intent to move the team to Oklahoma City from the beginning.

“omg ok sncs ftw,” declared Bennett in a text sent to co-owner Aubrey McClendon on October 24, 2006, the day the NBA approved the sale of the team.

When you think of the Seattle Aquarium, do you think of a bunch of white-jacketed scientists sitting around a pond, obsessing over algae counts or water quality? Well, that’s because you’re not very smart, because the aquarium isn’t anything like that at all.

As it turns out, staring slack-jawed at a bunch of fish for hour after hour is not nearly as boring as you might imagine. And that’s just the beginning of the exciting possibilities available to you when you visit the very best aquarium in the entire world, right here in Seattle.

As Érik Bédard comes close to making his way off of the disabled list, Mariners management staff admits that they are now kicking themselves for having bought the extended warranty on the star pitcher.

“I mean come on, it was only $29.95 at the register,” said team president Howard Lincoln.

General Manager Bill Bavasi took full responsibility for the oversight, saying Thursday that he “always thought those things were a scam.”

In a desperate effort to gain experienced leadership among their pitching staff, the Mariners have brought on Pappy McFreeson, a 97-year-old relief pitcher.

The Mariners have had difficulty as of late retaining experienced talent in the bullpen, and the move is seen as a clear indication of their commitment to turn that trend around.

Having pitched in the major leagues for sixty-eight years, McFreeson alone has ten times more experience than the rest of the M’s bullpen combined.

Despite a groundswell of support in Oklahoma and deal after deal offered by the city of Seattle, Sonics owners announced Thursday that they have just finalized a deal to move the team to Tacoma.

The announcement came as a shock to Seattle leaders who, since the team’s sale to Oklahoma City businessman Clay Bennett in 2006, had offered an unending stream of dismal, inadequate plans…