great-time-to-drive-thumb

Posted By: Alfred Matthew 2009-04-25

Robot Mariners Extend Perfect Record in 23,145 to 6 Victory Over Sheep-Clone Angels

In his 6,523rd career game, EDGARTRON-3000 led the Robot Mariners to their landmark 65,536th consecutive win Friday night against the Los Angeles Sheep-Clone Angels.

As usual, the team scored precisely 23,145.0 runs in a perfectly precise execution of baseball. The nine-inning romp included an average of 642.9167 home runs by each of the nine electronic players as the team extended its league-leading record to 3.91*10⁷⁵

Posted By: Addison Berkeley 2009-01-15

Stop Whining and Start Visualizing

You know what? I have had it with all the gloomy, depressing talk about the economy. I think it is time for us to stop whining, get off our butts, and do something about this mess we find ourselves in.

There is nothing we can do to change the past. We should not dwell on the fact that George W. Bush has personally ruined our careers, destroyed our hard-earned home equity, and driven us into suffocating credit card debt. Now is not the time for that.

Posted By: Marty E. 2008-10-31

2009-03-29

City of Kirkland Outlaws Layoffs

In a decisive and timely move during an emergency special session Saturday night, the Kirkland city council voted unanimously to pass Ordinance 4188, which prohibits any further layoffs at any company within the city limits.

“As the economic crisis continues deepen, Kirkland simply cannot afford to be marred by the destructive connotations associated with layoffs,” said Kirkland Mayor James Lauinger in a prepared statement.

2008-12-31

Nickels: Seattle #1 Bestest City in Universe

2008-12-18

WILL IT NEVER END?!?

2008-12-03

Burien Emo Still Recovering from Awful Thanksgiving

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2009-01-07

Burris Reid Smackdown Tops Cable Rankings

Illinois’ incoming junior senator Roland Burris’ no holds barred brawl with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid drew over one hundred and eighty million viewers Wednesday, with political beatdown enthusiasts from every state in the nation tuning into the brutal five hour match.

Political observers were treated to the first such fight in over one hundred years thanks to an obscure Senate rule requiring disputed seats to be settled in the boxing ring.

2008-04-23

Starbucks Tries to Out-McDonald’s McDonald’s

Seattle-based Starbucks Coffee—the McDonald’s of drug-laced drink outlets—faces an growing challenge to their core business model as Chicago-based McDonald’s—the McDonald’s of cheap and disgusting hamburgers—pushes into the world of over-priced status-symbol beverages with an increasingly intense campaign.

Starbucks has faced difficulty in recent years, as their increasingly ridiculous gimmicks have failed to draw in and retain a customer base capable of supporting their breakneck rate of expansion, peaking in 2007 when they opened an average of five new stores every second.

2008-07-28

$3.80 Gas Promotion Lines Up Cars for Miles

Lines of cars stretched for over ten miles in every direction from Newcastle on Monday morning, as a gas station running a $3.80 per gallon promotion was overwhelmed by thousands of rabid motorists.

Beginning at 7:00 in the morning, Hayden’s Chevron at the corner of Coal Creek Parkway and Newcastle Way offered gas at only $3.80 per gallon, over fifty cents less than the usual current price.

People began queuing up at the station about 3:00 Sunday afternoon, station manager Harrison Phoenix said. By the time the station opened this morning, virtually every road into Newcastle was packed with cars…

2008-12-09

RIAA Enforcers Take Down Unauthorized Christmas Cyclist

Enforcement agents from the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) put a sudden and decisive stop to a flagrant violation of intellectual property rights in the Bothell area on Tuesday.

The RIAA legal department—which makes up 97% of the organization—learned of the notorious “Northshore Christmas Biker” thanks to a tip from Citizen Rain, a Seattle-area community blog operated by KING 5 Television.

2008-06-24

Space Needle Totally Around Here Somewhere

The Space Needle is totally around here somewhere, I’m sure of it.

Yes, I realize we’ve been wandering around downtown for two hours now. That just means we must be close, right?

No, I will not stop to ask for directions. I realize that this is our first time Seattle, and I may not know where every little thing is located. But I’ll be danged if I stoop to getting any so-called direction from one of these prancified coffee-swilling yuppies.