New Feed Options for Naked Loon Readers

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Posted By: Alfred Matthew 2009-04-25

Robot Mariners Extend Perfect Record in 23,145 to 6 Victory Over Sheep-Clone Angels

In his 6,523rd career game, EDGARTRON-3000 led the Robot Mariners to their landmark 65,536th consecutive win Friday night against the Los Angeles Sheep-Clone Angels.

As usual, the team scored precisely 23,145.0 runs in a perfectly precise execution of baseball. The nine-inning romp included an average of 642.9167 home runs by each of the nine electronic players as the team extended its league-leading record to 3.91*10⁷⁵

Posted By: Addison Berkeley 2009-01-15

Stop Whining and Start Visualizing

You know what? I have had it with all the gloomy, depressing talk about the economy. I think it is time for us to stop whining, get off our butts, and do something about this mess we find ourselves in.

There is nothing we can do to change the past. We should not dwell on the fact that George W. Bush has personally ruined our careers, destroyed our hard-earned home equity, and driven us into suffocating credit card debt. Now is not the time for that.

Posted By: Marty E. 2008-09-02

For those of you that are reading The Naked Loon via an RSS reader (or would like to), I’d like to point you toward a useful new page: Naked Loon RSS Feeds.

If you’re currently subscribed to The Naked Loon’s RSS feed, you’re viewing the Full Site Feed. For your convenience, we have created fourteen new feeds—one for each section of the site.

If you like the news stories, but can’t stand the blog posts, sign up for the News Only Feed. Or, if you really just like stories in the “Community” section, you can sign up for the Community News Feed. The possibilities are limitless. Okay, that’s not true, but 20,922,789,888,000 (almost twenty-one trillion) combinations is nearly limitless, right?

Anyway, the point is, the power is in your hands.

2009-03-29

City of Kirkland Outlaws Layoffs

In a decisive and timely move during an emergency special session Saturday night, the Kirkland city council voted unanimously to pass Ordinance 4188, which prohibits any further layoffs at any company within the city limits.

“As the economic crisis continues deepen, Kirkland simply cannot afford to be marred by the destructive connotations associated with layoffs,” said Kirkland Mayor James Lauinger in a prepared statement.

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2008-12-31

Nickels: Seattle #1 Bestest City in Universe

2008-12-18

WILL IT NEVER END?!?

2008-12-03

Burien Emo Still Recovering from Awful Thanksgiving

Marty E.

Naked Loon Editor-in-Chief

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2008-07-16

Important Household Safety Advice

With all the dangerous things that abound out there in that big scary world, it can be tempting to succumb to paralyzing fear, never setting foot outside the safe and familiar confines of your home. Unfortunately for you, even your own home is full of perilous life-threatening hazards that can easily terminate your existence quicker than you can say “organic.”

Luckily for you, The Naked Loon has yet again come to your rescue by compiling this helpful guide to household safety. Read on to learn more about the most dangerous parts of your house, and how you can protect yourself and your family.

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2008-07-02

Trademark “Bennett Scowl” Unfazed by Sonics Ruling

Editor’s note: Thanks to the uncanny prescience of our writing staff, The Naked Loon is able to bring you the big news about today’s Sonics ruling ten whole hours before anyone else!

Welcome to the future, Seattle.

As U.S. District Judge Marsha Pechman handed down her decision today in Seattle’s lawsuit against the Sonics, team owner Clay Bennett successfully maintained his trademark scowl without displaying even so much as a slight twitch at the corner of his lips.

When Judge Pechman’s ruling was revealed at 4:00 this afternoon…

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2008-08-02

Blackberries: Heck Yeah

If you thought this article was going to be about some boring piece of technology, you’re a nerd. No, I’m not here to talk about cell phones. I’m here to talk about fruit. It’s just about that time of the year again: blackberry season! Yum!

As the most prolific weed west of the Cascades, blackberries can be found all over the Puget Sound. In my professional opinion (I have a Ph.D. in complex berry neuroscience), if you lives around here and pay money to buy blackberries, you are one of three things:

stupid
lazy
a giant wuss

Actually, knowing you, you’re probably all three. Seriously, there is no excuse not to pick your own blackberries. None.

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2008-05-17

Radio-Controlled Clocks Spy on Boring Happenings of Local Homes

Increasingly inexpensive and popular radio-controlled “atomic” clocks allow us to complete our meaningless daily tasks with a satisfying sense of precision, but according to a Bellevue research lab, they are also secretly broadcasting the inane details of our lives to unknown locations.

According to the researchers, the average Puget Sound household has 4.7 of the spy clocks scattered throughout their home. The secret spy cameras cleverly hidden in the clocks give a front row seat to one or more shadowy organizations every time you dance by in your underwear.

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2008-07-12

Nickels Multiplies Bag Fees in Litter-Induced Rage

Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels announced a revision yesterday to his plan to charge city residents for using plastic and paper bags at area grocery stores: The “price” of a bag will rise to $1 for paper and $2 for plastic, a jump from the original fee of 10 cents for paper and 20 cents for plastic.

The fee program was approved by the city council last summer, and has met with substantial resistance from local merchants, tourists, and pretty much everyone one except the mayor.

“We, or rather I, feel it is imperative to make this fine, err, I mean green-use fee sting, in order to teach the upstanding, if obstinate citizens of our eco-friendly city that hurting the earth simply does not pay,” Nickels said Friday afternoon at a press conference hastily organized on the steps of city hall.

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