Articles by John Fostr

Sci/Tech 2008-04-04

UW Research Concludes Screaming At Children Probably Not Beneficial

Researchers at the University of Washington released the results of their latest study on Tuesday in a paper titled “The effects of extreme verbal abuse on childhood psychological development.”
The thirteen-million-dollar, six-year study closely followed five hundred children aged three weeks through nine years, who were brought in on a weekly basis for two-hour sessions during which they were subjected to a non-stop barrage of profanity…

Sci/Tech 2008-04-01

Google: Street View Not Coming to Seattle, So There

In a press release published Friday, internet technology leader Google announced that its revolutionary Street View technology will not be expanded to include coverage of the Seattle area, ever.

Friday’s statement from the internet giant finally answered the question that has been on many tech-savvy Seattle residents’ minds: When is Seattle going to get Street View? The answer, according to Google, is never.

Sci/Tech 2008-04-01

Scientists Counter Invading Species in Puget Sound

The once-peaceful Puget Sound is turning into a blood-soaked battleground as a host of invading species stage complex military assaults on native flora and fauna.

In a comprehensive report released this week, local environmental scientists revealed that everything from orca and salmon to algae and seaweed is feeling the brunt of an attack by invading forces. Taking advantage of an ecosystem already weakened by the global warming debate…

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2008-08-31

Most Exciting Upcoming Murder Simulators at PAX

(Visit The Naked Loon to view this life-altering graphic)

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2008-04-02

DOT Announces New Ultra-Green Ferry Routes

Citing environmental concerns, the Washington State Department of Transportation announced new system-wide ferry routes today.

“Holy crap,” said state Transportation Secretary Paula Hammond, “it turns out that the Puget Sound has a lot of wildlife!” She explained that the new routes will allow ferries to avoid disturbing sensitive natural habitats, with the minor side effect of quadrupling most crossing times.

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2008-09-08

Software Pirates Steal $2 Million in Weekend Raid on Microsoft Offices

Software pirates raided the Redmond offices of Microsoft this weekend, stealing thousands of copies of Windows, Office, and other software valued at over $2 million.

The burglary is the latest in an ongoing battle between Microsoft and the software pirates, whose ongoing thefts of retail-packaged software cost the company hundreds of millions of dollars every year.

“These robberies are costly to us,” said Microsoft spokeswoman Jill Jakes, “but the real victim here is the customer. Every copy of Windows Vista Ultimate Edition that is stolen by pirates is a copy that we can’t sell to a customer for three hundred and twenty dollars.”

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2008-06-11

Burner Campaign Runs on Blind Optimism and Rainbows

Despite having pulled off a rare loss in a nationwide sea electoral victories for Democrats in 2006, 8th District Democrat Darcy Burner retains a foolish sense of optimism about her prospects of winning in this year’s rematch with Congressman Dave Reichert.

Burner brings a number of strong advantages to the table in 2008 that she did not have in 2006. Her experience as a political hopeful has now topped three years, which is over three times as extensive as it was in 2006. She also sees her 2006 loss as a strong advantage for her 2008 campaign. “The Democrat majority in congress has as yet failed to end the war in Iraq,” said Burner, “but when I am elected I will single-handedly bring our troops home and end the imperialistic oppression of the Iraqi people.”

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2008-10-27

Learning to Cope Without Circus Animals

It has been three full weeks since the untimely demise of Mother’s Cookies dealt a crushing blow to humanity. While it may be too early for some who are still suffering through denial, anger, bargaining, or depression, The Naked Loon humbly presents the following review of Circus Animal alternatives to help the wounded nation move on.

Naked Loon staff members scoured local grocers for alternatives…

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