006-james-bond-to-detention

Posted By: Alfred Matthew 2009-04-25

Robot Mariners Extend Perfect Record in 23,145 to 6 Victory Over Sheep-Clone Angels

In his 6,523rd career game, EDGARTRON-3000 led the Robot Mariners to their landmark 65,536th consecutive win Friday night against the Los Angeles Sheep-Clone Angels.

As usual, the team scored precisely 23,145.0 runs in a perfectly precise execution of baseball. The nine-inning romp included an average of 642.9167 home runs by each of the nine electronic players as the team extended its league-leading record to 3.91*10⁷⁵

Posted By: Addison Berkeley 2009-01-15

Stop Whining and Start Visualizing

You know what? I have had it with all the gloomy, depressing talk about the economy. I think it is time for us to stop whining, get off our butts, and do something about this mess we find ourselves in.

There is nothing we can do to change the past. We should not dwell on the fact that George W. Bush has personally ruined our careers, destroyed our hard-earned home equity, and driven us into suffocating credit card debt. Now is not the time for that.

Posted By: Marty E. 2008-10-18

2009-03-29

City of Kirkland Outlaws Layoffs

In a decisive and timely move during an emergency special session Saturday night, the Kirkland city council voted unanimously to pass Ordinance 4188, which prohibits any further layoffs at any company within the city limits.

“As the economic crisis continues deepen, Kirkland simply cannot afford to be marred by the destructive connotations associated with layoffs,” said Kirkland Mayor James Lauinger in a prepared statement.

2008-12-31

Nickels: Seattle #1 Bestest City in Universe

2008-12-18

WILL IT NEVER END?!?

2008-12-03

Burien Emo Still Recovering from Awful Thanksgiving

Be the first to comment on "006-james-bond-to-detention"

Leave a comment Cancel reply

2008-11-12

Starbucks to Beg, Plead, and Drug Customers

Following a dismal fourth quarter report which saw profit tumble by 97 percent, Starbucks has announced a bold, multi-faceted plan to reposition itself in the harsh economy through a combination of in-your-face customer service, excessive begging/pleading, and illicit drug use.

Although delusional CEO Howard Schultz appears to truly believe that the company is in better shape to weather rough economic times following a year of violent layoffs…

2008-08-25

Weather-Control Pranksters Rain Out Nickels’ Car-Free Day

A group of UW weather scientists claimed responsibility on Monday for ruining Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels’ inaugural “car free day” on Capitol Hill yesterday.

Calling themselves the Reactionary Anti-Initiative Network, the scientists explained that Sunday’s downpour was the result of weeks of careful planning and precision actions.

“When Mayor Nickels announced ‘car free days,’ we knew we had to do something,” said project lead Bernard Studemacher. “Weather is what we know, so naturally it was our preferred weapon.”

2008-05-19

News Outlets Lazily Run Yet Another Eruption Anniversary Story

May 18, 2008—In a stunning display of journalistic sloth, 95% of news outlets across Western Washington headlined yesterday’s edition with yet another Mt. St. Helens eruption anniversary story.

Although nearly every possible angle on the 1980 event has been covered, re-covered, and then covered a few dozen more times for good measure, hundreds of news writers ignored the newsworthy events of the day and instead shamelessly spewed forth their own versions of the all-too-familiar tale.

Common rehashes of the anniversary story included so-called “dramatic” retellings of the events surrounding the eruption, interviews with witnesses and survivors, and collections of poetry and song written to the mountain.

2008-04-20

How Do Sonics Players Feel About Leaving Seattle?

2008-05-29

Anti-Depressant Manufacturers Thrilled by Oncoming Recession

Although most families find that the onset of a recession is a hardship to be overcome, there is a silver lining to every cloud. One such example is the makers of various anti-depressant medications, for whom the prospect of impending national economic difficulty is like winning the lottery.

As consumers across the nation tighten their belts and cut back on all but the basic necessities, often the first things to go are the budgets for entertainment and eating out. While a lack of amusing distractions coupled with a job loss or pay cut may leave families feeling down and out, it has drug makers smiling ear to ear.

“In these trying times,” said Pfizer CEO Jeff Kindler, “we are overjoyed to be in a position that allows us to reap massive profits by giving people the ability to chemically alter their mood.”