Washington Poison Center Introduces Mr. Yum

The Washington Poison Center held a press conference today to announce the introduction of Mr. Yum, a new character that will be used to further their mission to properly condition children against poisons.

The new Mr. Yum character retains the familiar green color of the Mr. Yuk brand, but in place of an angry face sticking out its tongue, Mr. Yum sports a sly grin as he licks his lips.

Republicans with No Hope Make Pointless Run for Office

With the attention-span-challenged nation focused on a high-profile presidential campaign in which November’s winner is anyone’s guess, it’s easy to overlook the greater Seattle area’s boring, one-sided local electoral contests…

In an enlightened, superior progressive region such as the Puget Sound, candidates running under the pollution-loving, war-mongering, Bible-thumping Republican banner…

UW Research Concludes Screaming At Children Probably Not Beneficial

Researchers at the University of Washington released the results of their latest study on Tuesday in a paper titled “The effects of extreme verbal abuse on childhood psychological development.”
The thirteen-million-dollar, six-year study closely followed five hundred children aged three weeks through nine years, who were brought in on a weekly basis for two-hour sessions during which they were subjected to a non-stop barrage of profanity…

DOT Announces New Ultra-Green Ferry Routes

Citing environmental concerns, the Washington State Department of Transportation announced new system-wide ferry routes today.

“Holy crap,” said state Transportation Secretary Paula Hammond, “it turns out that the Puget Sound has a lot of wildlife!” She explained that the new routes will allow ferries to avoid disturbing sensitive natural habitats, with the minor side effect of quadrupling most crossing times.

Tashkent, UZ Renounces Seattle Sister City Status

In an unanticipated turn of events this week, the entire city of Tashkent, Uzbekistan rose up with one voice and vehemently renounced their sister city status with Seattle.

The upheaval came as all of Tashkent was watching a recent speech by Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels. Details are sketchy, but it seems that Nickels’ comments on his proposed green-building program just happen to sound exactly like the most insulting curse in the Uzbek language.

Sonics Owners Announce Surprise Deal to Relocate Team to Tacoma

Despite a groundswell of support in Oklahoma and deal after deal offered by the city of Seattle, Sonics owners announced Thursday that they have just finalized a deal to move the team to Tacoma.

The announcement came as a shock to Seattle leaders who, since the team’s sale to Oklahoma City businessman Clay Bennett in 2006, had offered an unending stream of dismal, inadequate plans…

Violence at UW Linked to Professors

After months of chasing dead ends, police investigating a recent wave of violent attacks at the University of Washington have finally broken the case wide open.

Following a tip from an anonymous student, police staged an elaborate three-week stakeout operation that led to the break in the case, and the arrest of seven individuals. Unconfirmed reports have confirmed that those arrested were in fact tenured faculty at the university.