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Bossy Hummingbirds Take Over Small Kentucky Town

A pair of hummingbirds force a simple-minded Blandville resident to do their bidding.
Nigel Jones | The Naked Loon↑ click to enlarge ↑A pair of hummingbirds force a simple-minded Blandville resident to do their bidding.

In an unprecedented turn of events, a small town in rural Kentucky has been completely taken over by hummingbirds.

Seemingly no different from ordinary hummingbirds, the diminutive birds have descended on the town of Blandville by the tens of thousands, completely subjugating the population of approximately 100 citizens.

“They just came down out of that there sky, and completely surrounded our house,” said Blandville resident Slyvia Snodgrass. “They ain’t hurt us or nothin, but they ain’t lettin us do what we want, neither.”

It is not clear why the hummingbirds are engaging in such abnormal behavior. Hummingbird specialists have been called in to investigate, but whenever any outsiders attempt to approach the town, they are pushed back by a wall of the tiny hovering beasts.

In a vain attempt to reclaim their independence, residents reportedly took up fly swatters and fishing nets to fight back the invading forces, but as they did, they were overwhelmed by hundreds of the birds, which pinned the residents down and flew off with their weapons.

“This is ridiculous,” said Monica Fortuna, a US Fish and Wildlife representative. “I mean, we’re talking about hummingbirds, here. They weigh about as much as two pennies. How could they have taken over an entire town? That’s just not possible, in my professional opinion.”

When Fortuna approached the town perimeter to prove her point, she was suddenly and completely consumed by a blur of iridescent green and red, which lifted her a hundred feet in the air, carried her half a mile away from the town, and dropped her into a stagnant, algae-filled pond.

“Ok, I guess maybe it is possible after all,” she said.

The hummingbirds clearly do not intend to harm the locals, as they have made sure that they are well-supplied with food and water. However, they have been confined to their homes, and although they still have access to communication lines such as telephones and internet, they are completely unable to go about their daily business.

Although they are obviously unable to communicate with their prisoners, the hummingbirds have been surprisingly successful at forcing the captives to do their bidding. During the days, the hummingbirds gang up on people and essentially use them as puppets. The birds seem to be intent on using the residents of Blandville to act out some sort of disturbing play, apparently about a backwoods nudist colony. An enormous pile of flannel and denim presumed to be the residents’ clothes was discovered eight miles away, dumped in the Mississippi river.

For now, the only thing authorities can do is watch and wait, hoping that the demented birds will eventually tire of their sick game.

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8 Comments on “Bossy Hummingbirds Take Over Small Kentucky Town”

  1. I love it! About time Mother Nature reminded us that she’s the boss.

  2. I love that the clothes found were all flannel and denim :)

  3. If it is on the Naked Loon it MUST be true! This is just too scary! I remember that old movie by Alfred Hitchcock, “The Birds.” I to this day STILL feel a shiver go up my spine whenever I see any Love Birds in a cage! I start to Furtively look around me, expecting a feathery missile to come zipping towards me while I visit a coastal community… MAKE IT STOP!!!!

  4. I assume that one of the approved actions allowed to the citizens is the constant, zombie-like refilling of thos hanging red bottles full of sugar water…hey, wait! Maybe that’s IT; the birds are on a non-stop sugar high!Foolish Kaintucks–they just need to switch to artificial sweetner, which will shortly turn the little beasties’ brains to mush!

  5. I wonder if this will happen in 09? I would love to see this if they do it again.

  6. This is utterly and absolutely ridiculous. I thiught this would be an intelligent and interesting article on my favorite avian subjects, but it is obviously the creative invention of a mentally disabled toddler. Good work getting your mommmy to spell all the words for you, though. geez.

  7. Too many Ms in “mommy”… perhaps you’ve been drinking the sugarwater?

  8. I would have to see pictures(real unphotoshopped)to believe any of this!And more than 1 picture showing a kid letting a hummingbird land on his hand!

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