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Posted By: Alfred Matthew 2009-04-25

Robot Mariners Extend Perfect Record in 23,145 to 6 Victory Over Sheep-Clone Angels

In his 6,523rd career game, EDGARTRON-3000 led the Robot Mariners to their landmark 65,536th consecutive win Friday night against the Los Angeles Sheep-Clone Angels.

As usual, the team scored precisely 23,145.0 runs in a perfectly precise execution of baseball. The nine-inning romp included an average of 642.9167 home runs by each of the nine electronic players as the team extended its league-leading record to 3.91*10⁷⁵

Posted By: Addison Berkeley 2009-01-15

Stop Whining and Start Visualizing

You know what? I have had it with all the gloomy, depressing talk about the economy. I think it is time for us to stop whining, get off our butts, and do something about this mess we find ourselves in.

There is nothing we can do to change the past. We should not dwell on the fact that George W. Bush has personally ruined our careers, destroyed our hard-earned home equity, and driven us into suffocating credit card debt. Now is not the time for that.

Posted By: Marty E. 2008-10-23

2009-03-29

City of Kirkland Outlaws Layoffs

In a decisive and timely move during an emergency special session Saturday night, the Kirkland city council voted unanimously to pass Ordinance 4188, which prohibits any further layoffs at any company within the city limits.

“As the economic crisis continues deepen, Kirkland simply cannot afford to be marred by the destructive connotations associated with layoffs,” said Kirkland Mayor James Lauinger in a prepared statement.

2008-12-31

Nickels: Seattle #1 Bestest City in Universe

2008-12-18

WILL IT NEVER END?!?

2008-12-03

Burien Emo Still Recovering from Awful Thanksgiving

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2008-08-23

Twine Ball Heroically Saved from Freak Tornado

Devastation thrashed through Oklahoma Saturday morning in the form of a series of horrifying and rare August tornadoes. Bouncing down the streets and destroying houses like they were nothing at all, the tornadoes did approximately $8.5 million in damage.

Stringtown resident Josiah Harnekey shared his account of the tornado that swept through his neighborhood, destroying his house.

“I got all kids down to the cellar right quick, but then I realized that I didn’t have my twine ball with me.”

2008-11-12

Starbucks to Beg, Plead, and Drug Customers

Following a dismal fourth quarter report which saw profit tumble by 97 percent, Starbucks has announced a bold, multi-faceted plan to reposition itself in the harsh economy through a combination of in-your-face customer service, excessive begging/pleading, and illicit drug use.

Although delusional CEO Howard Schultz appears to truly believe that the company is in better shape to weather rough economic times following a year of violent layoffs…

2008-05-09

Seattle Aquarium: Not Just for Marine Biologists

When you think of the Seattle Aquarium, do you think of a bunch of white-jacketed scientists sitting around a pond, obsessing over algae counts or water quality? Well, that’s because you’re not very smart, because the aquarium isn’t anything like that at all.

As it turns out, staring slack-jawed at a bunch of fish for hour after hour is not nearly as boring as you might imagine. And that’s just the beginning of the exciting possibilities available to you when you visit the very best aquarium in the entire world, right here in Seattle.

2008-11-07

TV Networks Capitalize on Economic Despair

Reacting to the continually worsening economic situation, television networks have unveiled dozens of new recession-themed shows that will replace struggling series mid-season.

Among the new entries to the winter lineup are comedies such as “Everybody Loves Ramen,” “30Cents,” and “My Social Security Number is 078-05-1120.”

2008-07-14

Ahmadinejad Discovers, Embraces Jewish Ancestry

In a press conference from Jerusalem on Monday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced the stunning findings of a team of Iran’s best genealogists: Ahmadinejad is a sixteenth Jewish.

A stunned silence fell upon the roughly 200 members of the press, most of whom expected the revelation to be followed by an explosive tirade against Israel. Instead, Ahmadinejad calmly explained that he now realizes that his previous “annihilate Israel” platform may have been unnecessarily harsh, and that he intends to fully embrace his newly-discovered Jewish heritage.

“In the past, when I said that ‘anybody who recognizes Israel will burn in the fire of the Islamic nation’s fury,’ I was speaking from an outsider’s misunderstanding of what it means to be Jewish,” said Ahmadinejad as he donned a traditional kippah. “It turns out that the Zionist regime really isn’t that bad after all.”