Articles by Jaime Rodriguez

Medina Resident has More Money than You

Matt Johnson has a lot of money. More importantly, he has more money than you. We caught up with Matt for a little chat about the burdens of wealth:

Naked Loon: A lot of people envy you for your three Saleen S7s, your fashionable clothing, and your endless supply of spending money. What would you like to say to these people?

Matt: (Sighing – rubs forehead) I just can’t deal with these people. They just don’t understand what I have to deal with. Granted, I have more money—a lot more. I mean, you could work your white collar desk job at Microsoft for a lifetime just to make as much money as I spent on lunches last week. But having more money means I also have more worries.

Trust Me on this One: Dolphins are Stupid

I feel I just have to address something gone terribly wrong in this world: Dolphins. Yes, you heard me right, dang it. I said dolphins. Yeah, I know, you think they’re cute. You think they are smart. That’s what you’ve been told. Told by the system. THE SYSTEM! DO YOU HEAR ME?! THEY ARE FORCE-FEEDING YOU THESE LIES!!

Yeah, they may LOOK cute, and their trainers may SAY they are smart, but they are not smart. Not at all. (Imagine an uppity nasal voice here) “Dolphins are easily as intelligent as man because they develop complex social relationships with other creatures and display learning skills higher than any other animal. Really humans could learn a lot from dolphins. They have the intelligence to aide them in living full happy lives, without the instinct to use their intelligence to prey on other creatures. We are indeed inferior.”

Billy (or: Quit Yer Complainin’)

Billy wants to be a fireman when he grows up. For most little boys, this would be a reasonable dream, but for Billy, it may be a little out of his range.

See, Billy was born blind, and there aren’t many blind firemen, if there are any at all. In addition to his blindness, he is deaf in both ears, which makes it even harder.

What really makes it outside of the realm of possibility though, is the fact that Billy is a quadriplegic: he cannot move any muscle below his neck. He is confined to a wheelchair, which he controls with a mouth-joystick.

These are not the complete catalog of Billy’s woes, though. Not by far…