Today The Naked Loon is proud to introduce our very own advice column "Question the Kostyra," in which Naked Loon Living Editor Martha Kostyra will answer your questions about life, relationships, and which espresso stand is most deserving of your valuable patronage.

If you have a question for Martha, just fill out our handy contact form to drop her a line. Today Martha dishes out her wisdom to a pair of distressed Seattle-area readers.

At the conclusion of a specially-convened 48-hour summit this weekend, the United Nations narrowly passed a resolution declaring an official end to the worldwide economic crisis.

The resolution states that if the complete and utter collapse of the world economy refuses to cease all its financial destruction programs and allow UN inspectors to verify the termination thereof, it runs the risk of bearing the full brunt of further resolutions.

Every week, tens of thousands of Seattleites find themselves facing a familiar situation: the weekend is fast-approaching, and they have absolutely no plans due to an unfortunate combination of social anxiety disorders, crippling agoraphobia, and a complete lack of spending money thanks to "the economy."

For those readers considering turning yet again to the old standby "sitting at home alone," here's a look at what you have to look forward to.

You know what? I have had it with all the gloomy, depressing talk about the economy. I think it is time for us to stop whining, get off our butts, and do something about this mess we find ourselves in.

There is nothing we can do to change the past. We should not dwell on the fact that George W. Bush has personally ruined our careers, destroyed our hard-earned home equity, and driven us into suffocating credit card debt. Now is not the time for that.

Friday's news that the Hearst Corporation will cease all printing operations at the Seattle P-I if a buyer for the paper is not found within 60 days shocked journalism enthusiasts across the Puget Sound.

While some crazy rumors have circulated that the impending closure is due to the fact that the paper has been bleeding money for years, The Naked Loon has obtained an exclusive interview with a high-ranking Hearst executive who reveals the real reason for the sale.

Every 30GB Zune on the planet broke down this morning in a massive worldwide software freeze. Even here at The Naked Loon we were affected. In order to provide continuing, up-to-the-minute coverage of this important worldwide crisis, we are proud to present the live 30GB Zune webcam below.

Washington State Republicans filed suit in Superior Court Monday against an advanced weather-control laboratory, alleging that the cloud-seeders' promised snow storm arrived in western Washington nearly six weeks too late.

According to court documents, the WSRP contacted Spokane-based Storm Science, Inc. in April, contracting their services to generate a "winter storm of epic proportions..."

Enforcement agents from the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) put a sudden and decisive stop to a flagrant violation of intellectual property rights in the Bothell area on Tuesday.

The RIAA legal department—which makes up 97% of the organization—learned of the notorious "Northshore Christmas Biker" thanks to a tip from Citizen Rain, a Seattle-area community blog operated by KING 5 Television.

In a press release Thursday, The Walt Disney Company announced the launch of a new "scared straight" service for naughty toddlers that will debut in seven markets across the country, including Seattle.

"Our proactive and highly efficient business model bypasses the usual parental notifications," said the statement from Disney's corporate office. "We locate misbehaving children, scare them straight, and then bill the parents afterward."

Meteorologists at the University of Washington issued a warning to Pacific Northwest residents Wednesday for an extreme weather system this winter.

"We have recently weathered both El Niño and her little sister La Niña," said UW meteorologist Stan Cooper. But the danger looming on the horizon is far worse. "Citizens should prepare for the worst this winter as Basura Blanca, El Niño's drunken neighbor, hits the Northwest in full force."

After months of hype and non-stop gamer salivation, Redmond-based software giant and Puget Sound economic savior Microsoft released their New Xbox Experience (NXE) Wednesday.

Inquiring minds want to know: is NXE deserving of all the excitement? Will NXE solve all your problems and do the laundry for you? Should every single person rush out right now to buy two, three, or even fifty-eight Xbox 360s in order to fully experience this shiny new Xbox update?

Is it just me, or is it boring in here? I mean, ever since Election Day, life has been so... bland.

It's almost like nobody even cares anymore about how evil the Republicans are. Where are the heated discussions about all the freedoms the Republicans have stolen from us? Where are the echo chambers where I can meet with other self-righteous liberal zealots to sing the unbridled praises of Obama?

As flood waters began to recede Thursday on the Snoqualmie and Tolt rivers in east King County, baffled scientists are attempting to understand the strange unpredictable phenomenon that caused hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage to area residents.

Dozens of homes, businesses, and roads were flooded this week in what scientists describe as "a bizarre and incredibly unlikely combination of events."

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the walking-dead government-owned mortgage-finance companies, announced Tuesday that they will accelerate their anti-responsibility efforts with a new accountability elimination program designed to cut financial obligations for struggling debtors.

The mortgage giants will target loans in which borrowers have given up paying back their mortgages for three months or more and have debt obligations that exceed fifty percent of their monthly income.

With a flood watch in effect Thursday night for most of the Puget Sound, it is important to prepare your home to weather the storm. But don't be fooled, preparing for the onslaught of fall and winter rains doesn't mean you have to sacrifice good taste.

Here are a few tips to help you weatherize your home with elegance and flair.

As striking machinists returned to work on Monday, Renton-based Boeing engineer Mark Waring took a celebratory day off, to reward himself for achieving a major life goal: finally reaching level 50 in the web-based game Defend Your Castle.

After many hours of intense labor throughout the machinists' strike, Waring finally was able to break past level 42, which had been the furthest level he had been able to achieve in the previous three hundred games.

In a panicked move Wednesday, the Federal Reserve cut its benchmark interest rate by half a percentage point to one percent, guaranteeing the worst U.S. economic downturn in the postwar era, if not the worst of all time.

"Recent policy actions, including today's rate reduction, should help to amplify the downside risks to growth which remain," said the Federal Open Market Committee in yesterday's statement.

Police in Sultan arrested world-famous polka star "Weird" Al Yankovic on Monday, charging him with seven counts of illegal chinchilla breeding and four counts of aiding and abetting copious concealed chinchilla copulation.

"This is probably the most disturbing crime I've had to deal with in my entire career," said Sultan's Interim Police Chief Rick Hawkins. "I don't think I'll ever be able to scrub the image from my brain."

In a hand-written note wrapped around a brick thrown through a Seattle City Hall window, San Francisco-based Google Inc. reiterated its position Wednesday that they will "never, ever, not in a thousand million years be bringing Street View to Seattle."

The message from the internet giant cleared up confusion among Seattle residents, a number of whom reported spotting Google Street View cars roaming area streets over four months ago...

Tacoma-based shoe company Wear the Foot issued a press release Tuesday announcing the latest breakthrough in high-tech shoe wizardry: the Pump-Light-Rolly shoe.

"We're proud to be the first and only shoe company in the world to offer the advanced breakthroughs of pump technology, light-up soles, and wheeled heels in a single shoe," CEO Howard Spitzer was quoted as saying in the release.

The final debate between gubernatorial candidates Dino Rossi and Christine Gregoire turned ugly last night as the heated verbal exchange erupted into an all-out brawl in front of a stunned panel of local journalists.

With the increasingly ugly tone of the campaign, local political veterans were surprised only that it took this long to come to physical violence.

The growing worldwide economic crisis has finally hit home, as residents across the Puget Sound are taking unprecedented measures to make it through these tough times. The Naked Loon performed a series of man on the street interviews with regular folks about how they are coping with financial despair.

What follows are unedited excerpts of these heart-wrenching personal tales.

As the stock market continues its historic plunge, one local musician is making literally tens of dollars on an original hit song: Wall Street Inferno.

Ballard resident Michael Locowitz generally spends his days trolling various internet message boards, arguing heatedly about the latest headlines. However, internet arguments had to take a back seat when inspiration struck as Locowitz watched the stock market tumble last week.

I think it's time this we sat down for a little talk about family finances. Billy, Judy, Cindy... come on into the living room with your mother and I. We need to have a serious discussion about the present crisis this family is facing, and work together to find a way out of this mess.

Sure, we could sit around all day and argue the petty details, like whether or not it was a good idea to spend $600,000 on a 4-bedroom rambler in Renton...

PIKE PLACE MARKET, SEATTLE – A deadly strain of Hinternoccoci bacteria was soundly thwarted in its attempt to spread from a public toilet seat to the butt-cheek of area man Todd Stanley Tuesday.

Before taking his seat on the public toilet, Stanley carefully removed a paper toilet seat cover from the "Health Guard" dispenser in the stall, placing it squarely on the communal throne.

As Hurricane Ike sweeps through southeast Texas leaving a trail of devastation in its wake, Ford Motor Co. has announced an exciting new vehicle promotion available exclusively to hurricane-affected areas.

"For many Texas families, the massive destruction of Hurricane Ike has wiped out everything: their homes, their pets, and—most importantly—their pickup trucks," says a new Ford TV ad already being broadcast across Texas Saturday. "Announcing the Ford Super Ike Disaster Recovery Sale."

A groundbreaking independent film screening this weekend in Seattle takes an insightful, entertaining, and totally original look into the mind of nature's most overlooked insect: the ant.

Local filmmaker Andy Todd's new film, Ant: The Awakening, will premier Saturday to an audience of pretentious indie-film-enthusiasts at the Jewel Box Theater in Belltown.

You know what I hate? I hate being wrong! Wait, did I say wrong? Scratch that, I am never wrong.

I just hate it when someone confronts me and tries to get me to back up my views with so-called logic and reason. Listen, people—I do not base my beliefs on actual "logical thought" or "rational thinking," okay? Do I look like some sort of college professor or something? Sheesh.

I do not so much use reason to come to my beliefs, as raw emotion...

We sat down with FLAX, our expert parakeet consultant, who was gracious enough to share with us some of the life wisdom he has learned.

FLAX on enjoying the weekend:

Hrello hrello hrello. Tweet! Prerty bird, prerty bird. Tweet tweet tweet, tweet-tweet tweet. Hrello, cracker! Chirp tweet tweet chirpity chirp.

Crestfallen investors sent stocks tumbling Thursday, pushing the Dow Jones Industrials down over 340 points after shareholders and depositors continued the sell-off that began late last year, devastating hopes for a late-year recovery.

The market was already nervous as it waited for the government to release its August fall fashions report on Friday. So news from the nation's financial centers that shareholders curtailed their buying last month due to a lower stock prices came as a heavy blow.

Christine Gregoire today asked President Bush to declare a federal disaster area for Washington State counties hit hard by this year's unspeakably horrendous Mariners' season.

Gregoire requested federal assistance for King, Snohomish, Pierce, Kitsap, Thurston, and Island counties.

On Monday, Gregoire viewed Safeco field by air and visited Mariners team stores in downtown Seattle and Bellevue to survey damage from this year's record low number of team wins...

Would someone care to explain to me how anyone ever thought that greeting cards were a good idea? To me they come across as a complete waste of space, time, and money. Sending someone a greeting card is like saying:

You are special and important to me, but not so important that I'm willing to tell you so in person, or even call you on the phone. In fact, I'm willing to spend money to avoid having to interact with you directly.

Laziness: it's not just for sitting around the house anymore. Here in America, the land of such groundbreaking inventions as the recliner and the the diet pill, we have become the world leader in laziness. But how can you make laziness work for you?

The personal benefits of laziness are limitless, but for now let's limit our focus to one area... say, parking lots.

One great way to exercise the power of laziness in the parking lot is to never park more than four spaces away from the front of an aisle...

When was the last time you thought about birds? I mean really pondered them. Like turn off the TV and the music, shut yourself in a dark closet, and meditate on birds.

Since your answer probably rhymed with "sever" (shame on you), I'm going to take a moment to share some of my recent deep, contemplative thoughts about birds.

How many birds would you say you have seen in the past month?

Devastation thrashed through Oklahoma Saturday morning in the form of a series of horrifying and rare August tornadoes. Bouncing down the streets and destroying houses like they were nothing at all, the tornadoes did approximately $8.5 million in damage.

Stringtown resident Josiah Harnekey shared his account of the tornado that swept through his neighborhood, destroying his house.

"I got all kids down to the cellar right quick, but then I realized that I didn't have my twine ball with me."

Is it pointless to review Season 1 of 24, a show that came out on DVD nearly six years ago? In a word, no. In two words, it's possible. In three words, yeah, you bet.

From the moment you pop in the first episode of 24 and you hear Jack Bauer employ his incredibly dramatic voice to explain that events occur in real time, you know that 24 is going to be something really... special.

Matt Johnson has a lot of money. More importantly, he has more money than you. We caught up with Matt for a little chat about the burdens of wealth:

Naked Loon: A lot of people envy you for your three Saleen S7s, your fashionable clothing, and your endless supply of spending money. What would you like to say to these people?

Matt: (Sighing – rubs forehead) I just can’t deal with these people. They just don’t understand what I have to deal with. Granted, I have more money—a lot more. I mean, you could work your white collar desk job at Microsoft for a lifetime just to make as much money as I spent on lunches last week. But having more money means I also have more worries.

Has the high price of gas got you considering alternate ways of commuting to work, but there are so many options that you find yourself paralyzed with indecision? Can't get those darn little shoulder-dudes to shut up with their non-stop debate over the merits of driving alone to work in an earth-killing smog machine?

Maybe Naked Loon staff are the only ones with a shoulder-dude problem, but fortunately we won't let that stop us from bringing you this exhaustive guide to all your transportation options. Read on and be enlightened.

The Washington State Department of Ecology slapped Mount St. Helens with a $250 million fine on Thursday for flagrant and repeated violations of state air quality regulations.

From late 2004 through July this year the 40,000-year-old volcano maintained a daily schedule that included emitting hundreds of tons of sulfur dioxide—a noxious gas that can cause acid rain and breathing problems leading to serious health issues such as death.

Despite Washington industry's best efforts to maintain the top spot, the scofflaw mountain emitted more of the lung-burning fumes every day throughout its nearly four-year period of recent activity than all of Washington's industries combined.

This morning as I was rigorously cleaning my ear canals with Q-tips, I made a rather alarming discovery on the box:

Warning: Do not use swab in ear canal.

Thankfully, I had just finished my fourth morning ear canal cleaning, so I was already prepped for the day before this distressing revelation. This left me with roughly twenty-three and a half hours to decide what to do now that I knew the shameful truth.

A new study released Friday finally proves what most Americans behind the wheel already knew: speeding saves time.

Specifically, speeding was found to save the average American roughly two minutes every day. This number was determined by analyzing vast amounts of data and performing deeply complicated calculations—it definitely was not pulled out of thin air.

The Loon Institute for Calculative Knowledge (LICK)—a highly regarded and definitely not fictitious think tank—conducted the rigorous study of the nation's drivers...

A coalition of Puget Sound business leaders issued a challenge to Washington State lawmakers Thursday, calling for greater complexity and obfuscation in business regulations.

Representatives for the Seattle Area Alliance for Increasing Complexity in Government Regulations (SAAICGR) announced their proposal in a press conference from Olympia Thursday morning.

"The business climate in Washington is pretty challenging right now thanks to the seemingly endless amount of red tape the state forces you to go through to perform even the simplest of tasks," said Costco CEO James Sinegal, one of the groups founding members. "But we are confident that with just a little more effort, 'seemingly endless' can turn into 'literally endless.'"

When you moved to the city to be close to all the amenities that Seattle has to offer, you forgot to consider one important factor: living in the city means living close to other people—yuck.

Unfortunately, if you want to live in the city (and who doesn't), you are going to have neighbors. Dealing with people can be a stressful experience, but there are some easy tricks you can use to diffuse the situation when your neighbors get on your nerves.

If you thought this article was going to be about some boring piece of technology, you're a nerd. No, I'm not here to talk about cell phones. I'm here to talk about fruit. It's just about that time of the year again: blackberry season! Yum!

As the most prolific weed west of the Cascades, blackberries can be found all over the Puget Sound. In my professional opinion (I have a Ph.D. in complex berry neuroscience), if you lives around here and pay money to buy blackberries, you are one of three things:

• stupid
• lazy
• a giant wuss

Actually, knowing you, you're probably all three. Seriously, there is no excuse not to pick your own blackberries. None.

Kirkland resident Matthew Teton reported Thursday that he has not yet decided if it is worth four dollars on iTunes to download the hit internet supervillain musical Dr. Horrible.

Teton insists that his indecision has nothing to do with the entertainment quality of the production from Firefly producer Joss Whedon, describing it as "totally hilarious" and "a must-watch."

"Neil Patrick Harris was perfect as the aspiring villain and bumbling romantic Dr. Horrible," said Teton. "But is it worth four dollars to be able to have Dr. Horrible on my iPhone... I just don't know."

Gainfully employed twentysomething Mark Jones reported Tuesday that last night's business ideas meeting with five of his friends at McCormick & Schmick's was "definitely a rousing success."

The meeting was initiated by an email from Jones to six of his former college friends with the subject line "let's all quit and get rich." Although the six men aged twenty-six to twenty-nine are all gainfully employed, making $60-$90,000 a year, the suggestion was met with great enthusiasm.

"It's like, who doesn't want to stick it to the man, and strike it out on their own," said Gabe Lamont, 27, currently employed as a software engineer for Amazon.com.

Hey, you're not some kind of loser, are you? Of course not. So, it's time you stopped spending your evenings and weekends sitting on a park bench trying to goad squirrels and pigeons into fighting each other. It's time to make something of yourself. It's time to get on the internets.

In the past we have discussed the how of getting internet, but not the why. So let's talk about all the amazing things internet can do for you.

Seattle is the greatest city on the planet. Strange as it may seem, there are millions of people that have not been enlightened to this basic truth. I have helpfully compiled a "top 10" list that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt just how awesome Seattle truly is.

10) People in Seattle are more educated and more intelligent than the dim-witted populace of other cities.

9) Not only are we intellectually superior, we are also morally superior. We care about all the important things like saving the planet, stopping global warming, and buying organic. It feels good to be so good...

OKLAHOMA CITY – Oklahoma City SuperSonics owner Clay Bennett announced today that he will sell the NBA team he wrested from Seattle and moved to Oklahoma City just three weeks ago. Bennett said he and his fellow billionaire owners realized after their settlement victory in Seattle that there is one thing they enjoy more than owning a basketball team.

“More than We love screwing people over,” a beaming Bennett said. “When we looked down from the 14th floor of the federal courthouse and saw 3,000 Sonics fans holding a rally – helium balloons, dorky signs – to save their team, how could you top that?

“We said, ‘Just think, we could do this to a whole damn state!’ It's like pissing off your little brother and holding him back from punching you by jamming your hand on his forehead – times 6.5 million,” he said.

Analysis

In an attempt to stop hemorrhaging money, Starbucks—whose stock price has tumbled over sixty percent since October '06—recently announced the impending closure of over six hundred stores, including twelve in the Puget Sound region. Here's a look at what went wrong for the largest dealer of legalized drugs in America, and how you can cope with the crippling withdrawal.

What do they do?

Starbucks business model is ostensibly based on selling coffee, the mind-altering drug of choice for busy self-important professionals. In recent years, they have deluded themselves into thinking that people visit their stores for the "atmosphere" rather than the drugs. This has led to a series of inexplicably poor business decisions such as CD kiosks, placing as many as seven stores on a single block, and attempting to sell $12 pastries.