In his 6,523rd career game, EDGARTRON-3000 led the Robot Mariners to their landmark 65,536th consecutive win Friday night against the Los Angeles Sheep-Clone Angels.

As usual, the team scored precisely 23,145.0 runs in a perfectly precise execution of baseball. The nine-inning romp included an average of 642.9167 home runs by each of the nine electronic players as the team extended its league-leading record to 3.91*10⁷⁵

Facing an unprecedented $9 billion budget shortfall, legislators in Olympia are scrambling to find new sources of revenue to sustain the drunken spending spree of the past four years.

Now thanks to some quick thinking by Senate Majority Leader Lisa Brown, cuts in popular programs such as after school basket weaving for inner-city toddlers will likely be avoided as an oppressive tax on an unpopular minority heads for easy passage.

After having houses languish unsold on the market for over a year, the marketer of Grove Cypress, a 15-home development in south Snohomish County, has discovered the key to finding buyers for the remaining $500,000 houses: street balloons.

"We've tried banners, flags, sandwich boards, arrow sign wavers... the works," said Ron Freeman, Grove Cypress lead marketer. "I think the balloons will really do the trick."

In a decisive and timely move during an emergency special session Saturday night, the Kirkland city council voted unanimously to pass Ordinance 4188, which prohibits any further layoffs at any company within the city limits.

"As the economic crisis continues deepen, Kirkland simply cannot afford to be marred by the destructive connotations associated with layoffs," said Kirkland Mayor James Lauinger in a prepared statement.

BELLEVUE, WA — 38-year-old Joe Millar of Bellevue experienced a satisfying surge of adrenaline Friday upon his discovery of Twitter, the so-called "micro-blogging" internet service founded in March 2006.

When he received the new account email from Twitter, Millar was completely overwhelmed by a totally undeserved sense of tech savvy. According to internet experts (i.e. teenagers), over six million users managed to discover Twitter before Millar.

Today at noon Eastern, in a magnificent ceremony overflowing with more majesty and splendor than a human mind is capable of comprehending, President-elect Barack Obama will be sworn in as the forty-fourth President of the United States of America, ushering in a new age of eternal peace, prosperity, and oneness for all mankind.

As preparations for the crowning achievement of humankind finally come to a dramatic climax, tens of billions...

With something like eleven out of every ten companies in the Seattle area laying people off these days, it's probably about time for those of you who still have a job to plan your layoff apocalypse survival strategy.

Intrepid Naked Loon staff members have endured a grueling schedule packed full of interviews with firing managers, library visits to scour the internets, and hour after hour crunching HR statistics—all to help you keep your job. Aren't we great.

Illinois' incoming junior senator Roland Burris' no holds barred brawl with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid drew over one hundred and eighty million viewers Wednesday, with political beatdown enthusiasts from every state in the nation tuning into the brutal five hour match.

Political observers were treated to the first such fight in over one hundred years thanks to an obscure Senate rule requiring disputed seats to be settled in the boxing ring.

Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels' extended his recent streak of secreting pure, unfiltered awesomeness on Wednesday by officially declaring Seattle as the "Number One Bestest City in the Entire Universe—For All Time."

The bold call comes hot on the heels of his proclamation that the city's response to the Colossal Blizzard Whiteout of Aught-Eight deserves a "B," widely considered by critics to be his most delightfully bizarre move to date.

As brutally low temperatures and relentless treacherous snowfall beat down on the Puget Sound for the sixth consecutive day Thursday, weather soothsayers prophesied a sustained assault on the Northwest with icy blasts and perilous precipitation continuing into next week.

According to local officials the Dismal December Discharge of Aught-Eight has already resulted in three trillion dollars in lost productivity in the city of Seattle alone.

Stupid bugs. They think they're so much better than us. Always lording their six legs and their wings and their thoraxes over us.

What gives them the right to crawl on my dirt, and fly through my air? Nothing, that's what.

They're so arrogant; they act like they own the planet or something. Like as if just because they outnumber us humans 42 billion to one, they think deserve some kind of respect. Not hardly.

Thanksgiving just happened again and no doubt there are several Puget Soundians out there that have moved to the "winter" belt already.

Well fear not dear readers, for with the help of the ever-vigilant Naked Loon, you will not remain out of shape forever. As your host for this series, I intend to do everything in my power to ensure that we will all live a long, full life without ever having to hear the phrase "whale man" ever again.

Nearly one week after attending a big family get-together in the Portland area, 20-year-old Burien emo Nathan Peters is reportedly only halfway through the process of emotional detox.

"It's just so much to try to handle all at once, you know?" Said Peters. "All these happy relatives and so-called friends that have oh so much to be thankful for that they feel the need to mercilessly rub it in my face for three days straight every November."

Citing an "economic booby trap of elephantine proportions," President-elect Barack Obama urged Congress yesterday to pass yet another costly and ultimately ineffective "stimulus" bill as quickly as possible.

In response to the very utterance of the world's favorite bureaucrat, stock prices surged in yet another record-setting rally—an undeniably positive sign that experts say signals an end to the economic crisis for the seventeenth time in the past six months.

As one of his final acts in office, President George Bush signed an executive order earlier this week, expanding Washington State's already crippling $3.2 billion projected budget deficit to a mind-boggling $5 billion.

In addition to personally wrecking havoc with Washington State's budget, Bush also signed orders that would force Boeing to begin laying off thousands of employees in 2009...

Ahh, winter. That glorious season of 8-hour daylight, bitterly cold nights, endless rain, and obligated time spent tolerating relatives. What's not to love about it?

Of course, there are some people who tend to get down in the dumps as winter rolls around, and even though the staff here at The Naked Loon is "insensitive," "detached," and "evil," we're not the type to rub our winter-blues-immunity in others' faces.

In the wake of historic prosperity and financial abundance, residents of Seattle are begging, pleading, and petitioning the city council for massive hikes in taxes and fees. In response to the citizens' increasingly vocal requests, the city council held a special session last Friday to discuss existing taxes and fees that can be raised and new sources that can be created.

"Raising fees and taxes is ordinarily the last thing we would want to do," said Council President Richard Conlin...

Following a dismal fourth quarter report which saw profit tumble by 97 percent, Starbucks has announced a bold, multi-faceted plan to reposition itself in the harsh economy through a combination of in-your-face customer service, excessive begging/pleading, and illicit drug use.

Although delusional CEO Howard Schultz appears to truly believe that the company is in better shape to weather rough economic times following a year of violent layoffs...

Eighth District Representative Dave Reichert was hospitalized Monday, as the increasingly heavy burden of being the sole Republican hope in the Seattle area finally became too much to bear.

The stunning news came even as vote counts in King and Pierce counties extended Reichert's now comfortable 13,000-vote lead in his re-election bid against Darcy Burner, a former Microsoft executive middle manager whose impressive credentials include a degree in economics computer science.

Reacting to the continually worsening economic situation, television networks have unveiled dozens of new recession-themed shows that will replace struggling series mid-season.

Among the new entries to the winter lineup are comedies such as "Everybody Loves Ramen," "30Cents," and "My Social Security Number is 078-05-1120."

Obama is the Christ

Congratulations America. You finally did something right. You elected Barack Obama—the embodiment of all that is good and virtuous—as our great nation's president.

Barack Hussein Obama is the Antichrist

Oh no. No no no... America, what have you done—WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

I can hardly believe this is really happening, but the American people have indeed just elected Barack Hussein Obama—the Antichrist as our president.

On the eve of the big election day, political enthusiasts throughout the Seattle area are hunkering down to prepare for the inevitably nasty post-election fallout.

The 2008 presidential election, like the six or seven elections preceding it, is quite possibly the most important election in most voters' lifetimes. With heightened emotions and a simmering rage boiling just beneath the surface on both sides of the nation's political scene...

Hit hard by the double whammy of a faltering economy and falling gas prices, oil companies have launched a nationwide consumer education program extolling the benefits of driving.

Over the next three months the industry plans to spend $50 million attempting to convince the public that "Now is a Great Time to Drive."

16-year-old John Baker of Redmond utterly destroyed his 2028 campaign for President Tuesday, when he updated his Facebook profile with an unspeakably offensive missive, intended to get a laugh out of his friends.

Thinking his peers would find it hilarious, Baker updated his Facebook status Tuesday afternoon at approximately 3:24 PM to display the message that "John is [censored]ing his sister's collection of...

It has been three full weeks since the untimely demise of Mother's Cookies dealt a crushing blow to humanity. While it may be too early for some who are still suffering through denial, anger, bargaining, or depression, The Naked Loon humbly presents the following review of Circus Animal alternatives to help the wounded nation move on.

Naked Loon staff members scoured local grocers for alternatives...

I think it's safe to say that I'm not the only one that was relieved—no, overjoyed to look out my window in recent days and see gray skies and drizzle.

When the thermometer drops into the fifties, I can barely contain my enthusiasm as I head to the closet to pull out that hallmark of any self-respecting northwesterner's wardrobe: the polar fleece.

The best part about polar fleece...

Law enforcement officials in Tacoma are ecstatic over an unprecedented one percent drop in the latest violent crime statistics.

It is important to note that although the announcement from the Sheriff's Office implies that Tacoma's violent crime rate declined by one percent, in actuality it was the rate of increase in violent crime that decreased by one percent—from a 9% year-to-year increase in September 2007 to an 8% increase in September 2008.

Researchers at MIT announced the shocking results of a groundbreaking study Monday, revealing that over 90% of the population of the internet are liars and hypocrites.

In the fourteen-month study, researchers canvassed hundreds of discussion forums, blogs, and social networking sites, tracking down participants and following up in-person on statements and claims made online.

In three short weeks, this delightful election season will finally come to an end, as the thrilling climax wraps up well over a year of non-stop entertainment. Unfortunately, once the post-election rioting dies down, millions of Americans will be left with a frightening entertainment void.

Luckily, thanks to the beauty and majesty of network television, Americans need not fear being forced to face the depressing reality of their pathetic everyday lives.

So the economy is in the toilet, your 401(k) is worthless, you lost all three of your jobs, your bank went under, and the Second Great Depression is underway. You're a fighter, and you are going to keep on living it up. You won't let little things like not having any money stop you from enjoying life.

Here are some helpful tips to will help you maintain a fun standard of living during these difficult times.

When the stock market fell thirty percent, it was rough, but I knew I could handle it since I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me. When Washington Mutual went under and had its bones picked clean by a hoity toity New York bank, I knew I would miss their low fees and laid-back attitude, but life goes on.

But when I learned last week that Mother's Cookies has gone under, that's when I knew that the economic meltdown had gone too far.

With the future looking bleaker by the day in the face of unprecedented economic meltdown, tens of thousands of people across the country are turning to sterilization to help them cope with the disaster.

Clinics in virtually every city in America have been flooded with requests for sterilization from middle-age professionals, teens barely out of puberty, and everyone in between. Without exception, those receiving the procedures have cited the country's dismal, expensive future as explanation.

Call centers at New York-based JPMorgan Chase & Co. were flooded with angry calls this week following the company's launch of their first advertising campaign in the newly-acquired Seattle market.

Former WaMu customers were livid at the slogan used in the ads: "We're Like You, But Much Richer™." The television spots feature dozens of caricatures of Northwesterners such as "Logger," "Grunge Band Guitarist," and "Radio Psychologist."

Emboldened by the swift passage of his $700 billion Emergency Economic Stabilization Act, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson went before Congress on Monday to introduce a series of sweeping new bills that, when passed, will effectively declare Paulson to be the ultimate ruler of the universe for all time.

"I didn't really think I could do it," said Paulson, referring to the rapid passage of the $700 billion Wall Street bailout...

In an unprecedented showing of clear-headedness and restraint, the House of Representatives denied a $700 billion bailout bill designed to keep bankers from suffering the consequences of loaning money to people that cannot pay it back.

As the DOW plunged nearly 800 points following the failure of the bill, angry American voters began flooding congressional switchboards, fax machines, and email inboxes.

You deserve a vacation. Unfortunately, there is a problem. Or two. Or three. If you fly somewhere, you're faced with airline fees for everything from bathroom breaks to cabin pressurization. Driving isn't much better, as the cost of gas remains so high that you've even considered the unthinkable—taking the bus to work. And oh yeah, thanks to the housing crash and the economy, you're broke.

Thankfully, that's why God gave us the staycation. Of course, even sticking around the Sound isn't without its troubles. Your neighborhood is safe and friendly, but who knows what dangers lurk in the more... shall we say... "exotic" corners of the Pacific Northwest.

Local meteorologists released a series of photographs Monday of a menacing cloud formation spotted in the skies above Pierce County.

Curiously darker than the surrounding fluffy white billows of water vapor, the mysterious shadowy wisps seem to be gathering for some foul purpose, according to KOMO 4 weather expert Jim Castillo.

In an exclusive investigative report set to air Friday morning, veteran newsman Dan Rather will reveal a stunning document unearthed from the files of the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., in which the late civil rights activist strongly endorses Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential election.

Rather will unveil the document during a special edition of his cable news program Dan Rather Reports on HDNet.

As 27,000 Boeing machinists hit the picket lines for the fifth day, representatives of the International Association of Machinists (IAM) released a comprehensive list of union demands on Wednesday.

While the list contains the usual complaints about pay raises and pensions, many machinists say it’s the lesser known issues like better coffee in the breakroom and more comfortable hand protection that are the most important to them.

Software pirates raided the Redmond offices of Microsoft this weekend, stealing thousands of copies of Windows, Office, and other software valued at over $2 million.

The burglary is the latest in an ongoing battle between Microsoft and the software pirates, whose ongoing thefts of retail-packaged software cost the company hundreds of millions of dollars every year.

"These robberies are costly to us," said Microsoft spokeswoman Jill Jakes, "but the real victim here is the customer. Every copy of Windows Vista Ultimate Edition that is stolen by pirates is a copy that we can't sell to a customer for three hundred and twenty dollars."

]]> https://nakedloon.com/news/sci-tech/2008/09/08/software-pirates-steal-2-million-in-weekend-raid-on-microsoft-offices/feed/ 1 1546 https://nakedloon.com/news/local/2008/09/05/budding-journalist-aspires-to-one-day-be-laid-off-by-seattle-times/ https://nakedloon.com/news/local/2008/09/05/budding-journalist-aspires-to-one-day-be-laid-off-by-seattle-times/#comments Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:00:07 +0000 http://nakedloon.com/?p=1519

Just two years out of college, 28-year-old journalist Joshua Licks has big dreams for the future. Currently a reporter for the Bothell / Kenmore Reporter, a small local paper delivered weekly to about 15,000 homes, Licks dreams of one day landing a job at The Seattle Times, where he will subsequently be laid off due to the paper's continually declining circulation and ad revenue.

"It's every journalism student's dream to make it to one of the slowly dying big dailies," said Licks. "Hopefully, if I write enough interesting, hard-hitting pieces, I'll eventually be good enough to get hired, and soon thereafter fired by the Seattle Times."

Just two days after Republican candidate for governor Dino Rossi admitted ties to a powerful Italian crime syndicate, statewide polls show he has opened an overwhelming lead over Christine Gregoire.

In a poll of three thousand likely voters taken Wednesday Rossi leads Gregoire by over sixty points statewide. In an even bigger shocker, Rossi—who was behind by as much as 30 points in King County just last week—now holds a 61-37 lead in among Seattle area voters.

Atlanta-based Coca-Cola Company announced Monday that it will begin testing of a new soft drink in five markets across the United States, including Seattle. Dubbed Coke Nega, the new offering is "110% calorie, caffeine, carb, and taste-free," according the company.

"The soft drink-buying public's reception of Coke Zero since its introduction in 2005 has been phenomenal," said Coca-Cola spokesman Rob Morton. "But we told our beverage engineers that people hated it and were rioting on the streets calling for their heads, so they have been working non-stop since then to come up with the next great Coke."

Seattle's electric grid faces the ultimate challenge this weekend as tens of thousands of video game nerds from all corners of the country descend upon downtown, gadgets and games in hand for the Penny Arcade Expo, a three-day nerdtopia at the Washington State Convention Center.

Well over fifty thousand socially awkward, sun-starved nerds and geeks packed the convention center to the gills as the expo got underway Friday. Ultranerd video game writer Ken Levine kicked off the ceremonies as the keynote speaker, inspiring the pasty masses with the tale of his personal transformation from socially awkward child to socially awkward adult.

Seattle City Councilman Richard McIver has been caught in an embarrassing situation after taking advantage of a legal loophole in city code to pay a $1,000 ethics fine with taxpayer money, but McIver's ethics fine is just the tip of the iceberg, according to an in-depth investigative report.

City records obtained by The Naked Loon indicate that city council members have been dipping into taxpayer funds to pay for everything from Botox pedicures to servant monkeys—and it's all totally legal.

A group of UW weather scientists claimed responsibility on Monday for ruining Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels' inaugural "car free day" on Capitol Hill yesterday.

Calling themselves the Reactionary Anti-Initiative Network, the scientists explained that Sunday's downpour was the result of weeks of careful planning and precision actions.

"When Mayor Nickels announced 'car free days,' we knew we had to do something," said project lead Bernard Studemacher. "Weather is what we know, so naturally it was our preferred weapon."

For voters already faced with a difficult decision in November, the latest in a series of delightful name-calling, finger-pointing campaign ads highlights what could become the most important issue in this year's presidential election: which ultra-rich candidate best relates to the average American.

Set off by the revelation this week that John McCain can't remember how many houses he owns, this new mud-slinging contest could be the most crucial in the contest for the nation's top job.

Building on the unbridled success and runaway popularity of the South Lake Union Trolley, a spokesman for Paul Allen's Vulcan Inc. announced Wednesday that construction of a second streetcar line in the neighborhood will begin immediately.

The new "Because I Can" line will run approximately half a mile, circling the three blocks bounded by Republican Street to the north, Boren Avenue to the west, Pontius Avenue to the east, and Harrison Street to the south. The streetcar will have a single stop, located on Harrison.

"With the South Lake Union Line already running at nearly eight percent capacity, we cannot afford to waste time on this new line," said Allen in a written statement released by Vulcan. "I have already purchased the property at 1165 Harrison and will begin demolition of the existing structure as soon as we acquire permits from the city."

The unveiling of an exquisitely-crafted bronze statue honoring a pair of admirable local stars triggered widespread panic and confusion among residents of Seattle's Fremont neighborhood Sunday afternoon.

The superb level of detail and craftsmanship in the statue titled "Late for the Interurban" mystified residents, accustomed to crude concrete depictions found in such local treasures as the Fremont Troll and "Waiting for the Interurban."

The deserving nature of the local heroes now enshrined in bronze also served to upset and bewilder the locals. Home to a contentious statue of communist leader Vladimir Lenin, Fremont has long maintained a sense of community pride in its ability to embrace art that would ordinarily cause any self-respecting American throw up a little in their mouth.