Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels’ extended his recent streak of secreting pure, unfiltered awesomeness on Wednesday by officially declaring Seattle as the “Number One Bestest City in the Entire Universe—For All Time.”
The bold call comes hot on the heels of his proclamation that the city’s response to the Colossal Blizzard Whiteout of Aught-Eight deserves a “B,” widely considered by critics to be his most delightfully bizarre move to date.
“It’s the classic dilemma in politics: corruption versus delusion,” says Martin Losenheimer, a professor of political science at the University of Washington. “In Chicago, they choose corruption. Here in Seattle, we obviously prefer the entertainment value of delusion.”
In a press conference this morning at City Hall, Mayor Nickels stated that “here in Seattle we have the best public transportation any human could ever conceive, the most efficient city services in the history of civilization, the most impressive parks in the universe, and the smartest, richest, and best-looking citizens of any municipality in any of the thirty-seven contiguous dimensions of space-time.”
“It is for these reasons, and many, many more, that I am hereby awarding Seattle—and by extension myself as Mayor—this award for ‘Number One Bestest City in the Entire Universe—For All Time,'” said Nickels.
For the next three hours, the mayor recited a list of his seven-thousand-plus reasons that he selected Seattle to receive the prestigious award. He also presented a series of helpful diagrams and charts to drive home the point, including a graph of eyelash length vs. intelligence and a few hundred illustrations of important Seattle features such as the “rainbow space bridge of infinity” and the “magical Pike Place dancing panda squad.”
Following the conference, the Mayor excused himself, stating that he “had a unicorn pegasus to catch,” but that he would “return when the famous beauty orb reaches its apex in the cloudless eastern sky.”