With the budget of the average American experiencing an increasing crunch, one way that many families are exploring to cut back expenses is by getting a more fuel efficient car. Of course, since budgets are tight, they’re not headed to the new car dealers, but to America’s favorite hangout: the used car lot.
Used car shopping is one of the most thrilling experiences available in modern America. When else can you spend an entire day driving up and down the shady parts of Aurora Avenue staring slack-jawed at endless fields of painted steel?
Admittedly, there are some downsides to used car shopping—namely having to interact with used car salesmen, the third-least trusted profession in America. The first and second-least trusted professions are politicians and estate agents, which probably means that the absolute least-trusted person in the country is some kind of used car salesman that does real estate on the side, and also happens to be on the city council.
But we digress. The purpose of this article is to give you, the used car consumer, a guide to help you understand car-sales-speak. Here are some of the things that car salesmen like to say, and what they mean in plain English:
SalesSpeak: “Hi, I’m James, nice to meet you.”
Translation: “Hello money-carrier. I will soon relieve you of your heavy green load.”
SalesSpeak: “I’m confident we have the right car for you.”
Translation: “You come across as so weak-willed that I’ll bet I can pass the crappiest car on the back lot off on you.”
SalesSpeak: “Don’t worry about the price.”
Translation: “You should definitely be very worried about the price.”
SalesSpeak: “We’ll make the numbers work.”
Translation: “We intend to soak you for as much as we possibly can. And then some.”
SalesSpeak: “How about we take it for a test drive?”
Translation: “We’ve got pheromone air freshener hanging in the car that will hopefully weaken your will.”
SalesSpeak: (Just after a test drive.) “So what did you think of the car?”
Translation: “Why don’t we just skip to the part where you give us your money?”
SalesSpeak: “What is it going to take to get you in a car today?”
Translation: “Holy crap, I’m desperate for a commission.”
SalesSpeak: (As you leave without a car.) “Thanks for coming in today.”
Translation: “Well, crap. I just wasted half an hour on that tightwad.”
In order to have the most successful car-buying experience, The Naked Loon recommends that you print these helpful translations out on 3×5 cards to bring with you the next time you set out on the task of finding a new set of wheels.