Search Results for "Dylan Wilbanks"

Former WaMu Customers Peeved at New JPMorgan Ads

Call centers at New York-based JPMorgan Chase & Co. were flooded with angry calls this week following the company’s launch of their first advertising campaign in the newly-acquired Seattle market.

Former WaMu customers were livid at the slogan used in the ads: “We’re Like You, But Much Richer™.” The television spots feature dozens of caricatures of Northwesterners such as “Logger,” “Grunge Band Guitarist,” and “Radio Psychologist.”

Rossi Admits Mafia Ties, Surges in Polls

Just two days after Republican candidate for governor Dino Rossi admitted ties to a powerful Italian crime syndicate, statewide polls show he has opened an overwhelming lead over Christine Gregoire.

In a poll of three thousand likely voters taken Wednesday Rossi leads Gregoire by over sixty points statewide. In an even bigger shocker, Rossi—who was behind by as much as 30 points in King County just last week—now holds a 61-37 lead in among Seattle area voters.

Gregoire Asks Bush to Declare Safeco Field Federal Disaster Area

Christine Gregoire today asked President Bush to declare a federal disaster area for Washington State counties hit hard by this year’s unspeakably horrendous Mariners’ season.

Gregoire requested federal assistance for King, Snohomish, Pierce, Kitsap, Thurston, and Island counties.

On Monday, Gregoire viewed Safeco field by air and visited Mariners team stores in downtown Seattle and Bellevue to survey damage from this year’s record low number of team wins…

Al-Qaeda to Close Seattle Cell, Cites High Insurance Costs

After months of silence, a video released from al-Qaeda on Monday announced that the struggling organization will close 150 terror cells worldwide, including in Seattle.

The unnamed spokesman in the grainy video cited skyrocketing insurance costs as the primary reason for closing the Seattle cell. “Health, dental, vision, life, automobile, home… it adds up fast,” said the figure.

Most of the local terror cell jobs will be outsourced to Iraq and Pakistan. The move has upset local dedicated al-Qaeda operatives.

“I left my job at Microsoft because I believed in this organization’s three values: Death to America, establish caliphate, and taking care of the martyrs with full vision and dental,” said Shoreline al-Qaeda member Ahmed Moqed…

WaMu Walks Away From Mortgage on Downtown Headquarters

Struggling savings and loan giant Washington Mutual announced Wednesday that they will no longer be making payments on their mortgage for WaMu Center, the company’s 42-story downtown Seattle headquarters.

The decision by WaMu follows in the footsteps of an increasing number of distressed homeowners that have walked away from their mortgages as the real estate market continues to experience record declines across the country.

M’s Management Regret Passing on Bedard Warranty

As Érik Bédard comes close to making his way off of the disabled list, Mariners management staff admits that they are now kicking themselves for having bought the extended warranty on the star pitcher.

“I mean come on, it was only $29.95 at the register,” said team president Howard Lincoln.

General Manager Bill Bavasi took full responsibility for the oversight, saying Thursday that he “always thought those things were a scam.”

Desperate for Veteran Bullpen Leadership, Mariners Sign 97-year-old Pitcher

In a desperate effort to gain experienced leadership among their pitching staff, the Mariners have brought on Pappy McFreeson, a 97-year-old relief pitcher.

The Mariners have had difficulty as of late retaining experienced talent in the bullpen, and the move is seen as a clear indication of their commitment to turn that trend around.

Having pitched in the major leagues for sixty-eight years, McFreeson alone has ten times more experience than the rest of the M’s bullpen combined.