Gregoire Asks Bush to Declare Safeco Field Federal Disaster Area

Christine Gregoire today asked President Bush to declare a federal disaster area for Washington State counties hit hard by this year’s unspeakably horrendous Mariners’ season.

Gregoire requested federal assistance for King, Snohomish, Pierce, Kitsap, Thurston, and Island counties.

On Monday, Gregoire viewed Safeco field by air and visited Mariners team stores in downtown Seattle and Bellevue to survey damage from this year’s record low number of team wins…

A Greeting Card for Every Anti-Social Situation

Would someone care to explain to me how anyone ever thought that greeting cards were a good idea? To me they come across as a complete waste of space, time, and money. Sending someone a greeting card is like saying:

You are special and important to me, but not so important that I’m willing to tell you so in person, or even call you on the phone. In fact, I’m willing to spend money to avoid having to interact with you directly.

Putting Laziness to Work for You

Laziness: it’s not just for sitting around the house anymore. Here in America, the land of such groundbreaking inventions as the recliner and the the diet pill, we have become the world leader in laziness. But how can you make laziness work for you?

The personal benefits of laziness are limitless, but for now let’s limit our focus to one area… say, parking lots.

One great way to exercise the power of laziness in the parking lot is to never park more than four spaces away from the front of an aisle…

Birds: What is Science Hiding?

When was the last time you thought about birds? I mean really pondered them. Like turn off the TV and the music, shut yourself in a dark closet, and meditate on birds.

Since your answer probably rhymed with “sever” (shame on you), I’m going to take a moment to share some of my recent deep, contemplative thoughts about birds.

How many birds would you say you have seen in the past month?

Twine Ball Heroically Saved from Freak Tornado

Devastation thrashed through Oklahoma Saturday morning in the form of a series of horrifying and rare August tornadoes. Bouncing down the streets and destroying houses like they were nothing at all, the tornadoes did approximately $8.5 million in damage.

Stringtown resident Josiah Harnekey shared his account of the tornado that swept through his neighborhood, destroying his house.

“I got all kids down to the cellar right quick, but then I realized that I didn’t have my twine ball with me.”

The Naked Loon Reviews: 24 Season 1

Is it pointless to review Season 1 of 24, a show that came out on DVD nearly six years ago? In a word, no. In two words, it’s possible. In three words, yeah, you bet.

From the moment you pop in the first episode of 24 and you hear Jack Bauer employ his incredibly dramatic voice to explain that events occur in real time, you know that 24 is going to be something really… special.

Medina Resident has More Money than You

Matt Johnson has a lot of money. More importantly, he has more money than you. We caught up with Matt for a little chat about the burdens of wealth:

Naked Loon: A lot of people envy you for your three Saleen S7s, your fashionable clothing, and your endless supply of spending money. What would you like to say to these people?

Matt: (Sighing – rubs forehead) I just can’t deal with these people. They just don’t understand what I have to deal with. Granted, I have more money—a lot more. I mean, you could work your white collar desk job at Microsoft for a lifetime just to make as much money as I spent on lunches last week. But having more money means I also have more worries.

A Comprehensive Guide to Alternative Transportation

Has the high price of gas got you considering alternate ways of commuting to work, but there are so many options that you find yourself paralyzed with indecision? Can’t get those darn little shoulder-dudes to shut up with their non-stop debate over the merits of driving alone to work in an earth-killing smog machine?

Maybe Naked Loon staff are the only ones with a shoulder-dude problem, but fortunately we won’t let that stop us from bringing you this exhaustive guide to all your transportation options. Read on and be enlightened.

State Dept. of Ecology Fines Mt. St. Helens $250 Million

The Washington State Department of Ecology slapped Mount St. Helens with a $250 million fine on Thursday for flagrant and repeated violations of state air quality regulations.

From late 2004 through July this year the 40,000-year-old volcano maintained a daily schedule that included emitting hundreds of tons of sulfur dioxide—a noxious gas that can cause acid rain and breathing problems leading to serious health issues such as death.

Despite Washington industry’s best efforts to maintain the top spot, the scofflaw mountain emitted more of the lung-burning fumes every day throughout its nearly four-year period of recent activity than all of Washington’s industries combined.

The Many (Authorized) Uses for Q-tips

This morning as I was rigorously cleaning my ear canals with Q-tips, I made a rather alarming discovery on the box:

Warning: Do not use swab in ear canal.

Thankfully, I had just finished my fourth morning ear canal cleaning, so I was already prepped for the day before this distressing revelation. This left me with roughly twenty-three and a half hours to decide what to do now that I knew the shameful truth.

New Study Proves the Extreme Benefits of Speeding

A new study released Friday finally proves what most Americans behind the wheel already knew: speeding saves time.

Specifically, speeding was found to save the average American roughly two minutes every day. This number was determined by analyzing vast amounts of data and performing deeply complicated calculations—it definitely was not pulled out of thin air.

The Loon Institute for Calculative Knowledge (LICK)—a highly regarded and definitely not fictitious think tank—conducted the rigorous study of the nation’s drivers…

Local Business Leaders: Washington Regulations Not Complicated Enough

A coalition of Puget Sound business leaders issued a challenge to Washington State lawmakers Thursday, calling for greater complexity and obfuscation in business regulations.

Representatives for the Seattle Area Alliance for Increasing Complexity in Government Regulations (SAAICGR) announced their proposal in a press conference from Olympia Thursday morning.

“The business climate in Washington is pretty challenging right now thanks to the seemingly endless amount of red tape the state forces you to go through to perform even the simplest of tasks,” said Costco CEO James Sinegal, one of the groups founding members. “But we are confident that with just a little more effort, ‘seemingly endless’ can turn into ‘literally endless.'”

How To: Deal With Annoying Neighbors

When you moved to the city to be close to all the amenities that Seattle has to offer, you forgot to consider one important factor: living in the city means living close to other people—yuck.

Unfortunately, if you want to live in the city (and who doesn’t), you are going to have neighbors. Dealing with people can be a stressful experience, but there are some easy tricks you can use to diffuse the situation when your neighbors get on your nerves.

Blackberries: Heck Yeah

If you thought this article was going to be about some boring piece of technology, you’re a nerd. No, I’m not here to talk about cell phones. I’m here to talk about fruit. It’s just about that time of the year again: blackberry season! Yum!

As the most prolific weed west of the Cascades, blackberries can be found all over the Puget Sound. In my professional opinion (I have a Ph.D. in complex berry neuroscience), if you lives around here and pay money to buy blackberries, you are one of three things:

  • stupid
  • lazy
  • a giant wuss

Actually, knowing you, you’re probably all three. Seriously, there is no excuse not to pick your own blackberries. None.

Stingy Geek Reluctant to Spend Four Dollars to Download Dr. Horrible

Kirkland resident Matthew Teton reported Thursday that he has not yet decided if it is worth four dollars on iTunes to download the hit internet supervillain musical Dr. Horrible.

Teton insists that his indecision has nothing to do with the entertainment quality of the production from Firefly producer Joss Whedon, describing it as “totally hilarious” and “a must-watch.”

“Neil Patrick Harris was perfect as the aspiring villain and bumbling romantic Dr. Horrible,” said Teton. “But is it worth four dollars to be able to have Dr. Horrible on my iPhone… I just don’t know.”