Politics

Oppressive Tax on Loathed Minority Set for Easy Passage

Facing an unprecedented $9 billion budget shortfall, legislators in Olympia are scrambling to find new sources of revenue to sustain the drunken spending spree of the past four years.

Now thanks to some quick thinking by Senate Majority Leader Lisa Brown, cuts in popular programs such as after school basket weaving for inner-city toddlers will likely be avoided as an oppressive tax on an unpopular minority heads for easy passage.


TOTALLY JUSTIFIED OBAMA OVERLOAD!!!!!!

Today at noon Eastern, in a magnificent ceremony overflowing with more majesty and splendor than a human mind is capable of comprehending, President-elect Barack Obama will be sworn in as the forty-fourth President of the United States of America, ushering in a new age of eternal peace, prosperity, and oneness for all mankind.

As preparations for the crowning achievement of humankind finally come to a dramatic climax, tens of billions…


Contract Breached, State Republicans Sue Cloud Seeders

Washington State Republicans filed suit in Superior Court Monday against an advanced weather-control laboratory, alleging that the cloud-seeders’ promised snow storm arrived in western Washington nearly six weeks too late.

According to court documents, the WSRP contacted Spokane-based Storm Science, Inc. in April, contracting their services to generate a “winter storm of epic proportions…”


Bush Extends WA Budget Deficit to $5 Billion

As one of his final acts in office, President George Bush signed an executive order earlier this week, expanding Washington State’s already crippling $3.2 billion projected budget deficit to a mind-boggling $5 billion.

In addition to personally wrecking havoc with Washington State’s budget, Bush also signed orders that would force Boeing to begin laying off thousands of employees in 2009…


Reichert Collapses into Twitching Convulsions

Eighth District Representative Dave Reichert was hospitalized Monday, as the increasingly heavy burden of being the sole Republican hope in the Seattle area finally became too much to bear.

The stunning news came even as vote counts in King and Pierce counties extended Reichert’s now comfortable 13,000-vote lead in his re-election bid against Darcy Burner, a former Microsoft executive middle manager whose impressive credentials include a degree in economics computer science.


Repulsive Facebook Update Sends Shockwaves Through 2028 Campaign

16-year-old John Baker of Redmond utterly destroyed his 2028 campaign for President Tuesday, when he updated his Facebook profile with an unspeakably offensive missive, intended to get a laugh out of his friends.

Thinking his peers would find it hilarious, Baker updated his Facebook status Tuesday afternoon at approximately 3:24 PM to display the message that “John is [censored]ing his sister’s collection of…


Rossi, Gregoire Trade Literal Blows in Final Debate

The final debate between gubernatorial candidates Dino Rossi and Christine Gregoire turned ugly last night as the heated verbal exchange erupted into an all-out brawl in front of a stunned panel of local journalists.

With the increasingly ugly tone of the campaign, local political veterans were surprised only that it took this long to come to physical violence.



Voters Infuriated by Unexpected Breakout of Responsibility in Congress

In an unprecedented showing of clear-headedness and restraint, the House of Representatives denied a $700 billion bailout bill designed to keep bankers from suffering the consequences of loaning money to people that cannot pay it back.

As the DOW plunged nearly 800 points following the failure of the bill, angry American voters began flooding congressional switchboards, fax machines, and email inboxes.


Dan Rather Uncovers Martin Luther King Jr. Memo Endorsing Obama by Name

In an exclusive investigative report set to air Friday morning, veteran newsman Dan Rather will reveal a stunning document unearthed from the files of the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., in which the late civil rights activist strongly endorses Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential election.

Rather will unveil the document during a special edition of his cable news program Dan Rather Reports on HDNet.


Rossi Admits Mafia Ties, Surges in Polls

Just two days after Republican candidate for governor Dino Rossi admitted ties to a powerful Italian crime syndicate, statewide polls show he has opened an overwhelming lead over Christine Gregoire.

In a poll of three thousand likely voters taken Wednesday Rossi leads Gregoire by over sixty points statewide. In an even bigger shocker, Rossi—who was behind by as much as 30 points in King County just last week—now holds a 61-37 lead in among Seattle area voters.


Voters Face Difficult Decision Between Ultra-Rich and Ultra-Richer

For voters already faced with a difficult decision in November, the latest in a series of delightful name-calling, finger-pointing campaign ads highlights what could become the most important issue in this year’s presidential election: which ultra-rich candidate best relates to the average American.

Set off by the revelation this week that John McCain can’t remember how many houses he owns, this new mud-slinging contest could be the most crucial in the contest for the nation’s top job.


Gregoire Gifted Yacht, Mansion by Tribes; Denies Conflict of Interest

According to a statement released today by Christine Gregoire’s campaign, a $50 million yacht and $5.4 million mansion given to her by the state’s Indian tribes do not constitute a conflict of interest, and anyone that suggests they do is racist, and probably also sexist.

While recent headlines have been focused on over $650,000 in contributions to Gregoire’s campaign from the tribes, the personal gifts of the yacht and mansion were not previously public knowledge.

“This is a preemptive strike against all the hateful bigots out there that simply do not understand the normal and natural flow of politics,” said Debra Carnes, Gregoire’s campaign communication director.


Ronald Reagan Returns from Grave to Slam Republicans

Former President Ronald Reagan returned from the afterlife Wednesday to deliver a message to members of the Republican Party: “You are the problem.”

In a blatant beyond-the-grave violation of the 11th commandment—thou shalt not speak ill of another Republican—a ghostly image of Reagan floated over his tomb at the Reagan Library in Simi Valley and launched into a two-hour tirade against the Republican party in general and a number of Republicans specifically.

“What the hell, guys,” said the spectre, visibly agitated. “How is it possible that so many of you can be claiming my legacy and yet continue to so dramatically screw things up?”


Dino Rossi Adamantly Denies Ties to Local Charity

Republican candidate for Governor Dino Rossi issued a strong statement today denying any ties to charities in general and Seattle’s Union Gospel Mission in particular. A series of incriminating photographs have been revealed that show Rossi performing a number of selfless volunteer acts for Seattle’s Union Gospel Mission.

“I do not now, nor have I ever cared even the slightest bit about what happens to the homeless,” said Rossi. “This is just another of the baseless attacks that have become typical of my opponent.”

Allegations of Rossi’s involvement at the shelter began in May. At that time, Rossi denied having any sort of connection, saying “I don’t even know what the Union Gospel Mission is, but I definitely don’t support unions.” However, an in-depth investigative report by the Naked Loon uncovered evidence that contradicted Rossi’s claims.