You know what? I have had it with all the gloomy, depressing talk about the economy. I think it is time for us to stop whining, get off our butts, and do something about this mess we find ourselves in.

There is nothing we can do to change the past. We should not dwell on the fact that George W. Bush has personally ruined our careers, destroyed our hard-earned home equity, and driven us into suffocating credit card debt. Now is not the time for that.

Stupid bugs. They think they're so much better than us. Always lording their six legs and their wings and their thoraxes over us.

What gives them the right to crawl on my dirt, and fly through my air? Nothing, that's what.

They're so arrogant; they act like they own the planet or something. Like as if just because they outnumber us humans 42 billion to one, they think deserve some kind of respect. Not hardly.

Is it just me, or is it boring in here? I mean, ever since Election Day, life has been so... bland.

It's almost like nobody even cares anymore about how evil the Republicans are. Where are the heated discussions about all the freedoms the Republicans have stolen from us? Where are the echo chambers where I can meet with other self-righteous liberal zealots to sing the unbridled praises of Obama?

Obama is the Christ

Congratulations America. You finally did something right. You elected Barack Obama—the embodiment of all that is good and virtuous—as our great nation's president.

Barack Hussein Obama is the Antichrist

Oh no. No no no... America, what have you done—WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

I can hardly believe this is really happening, but the American people have indeed just elected Barack Hussein Obama—the Antichrist as our president.

I think it's safe to say that I'm not the only one that was relieved—no, overjoyed to look out my window in recent days and see gray skies and drizzle.

When the thermometer drops into the fifties, I can barely contain my enthusiasm as I head to the closet to pull out that hallmark of any self-respecting northwesterner's wardrobe: the polar fleece.

The best part about polar fleece...

When the stock market fell thirty percent, it was rough, but I knew I could handle it since I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me. When Washington Mutual went under and had its bones picked clean by a hoity toity New York bank, I knew I would miss their low fees and laid-back attitude, but life goes on.

But when I learned last week that Mother's Cookies has gone under, that's when I knew that the economic meltdown had gone too far.

I think it's time this we sat down for a little talk about family finances. Billy, Judy, Cindy... come on into the living room with your mother and I. We need to have a serious discussion about the present crisis this family is facing, and work together to find a way out of this mess.

Sure, we could sit around all day and argue the petty details, like whether or not it was a good idea to spend $600,000 on a 4-bedroom rambler in Renton...

You know what I hate? I hate being wrong! Wait, did I say wrong? Scratch that, I am never wrong.

I just hate it when someone confronts me and tries to get me to back up my views with so-called logic and reason. Listen, people—I do not base my beliefs on actual "logical thought" or "rational thinking," okay? Do I look like some sort of college professor or something? Sheesh.

I do not so much use reason to come to my beliefs, as raw emotion...

Would someone care to explain to me how anyone ever thought that greeting cards were a good idea? To me they come across as a complete waste of space, time, and money. Sending someone a greeting card is like saying:

You are special and important to me, but not so important that I'm willing to tell you so in person, or even call you on the phone. In fact, I'm willing to spend money to avoid having to interact with you directly.

When was the last time you thought about birds? I mean really pondered them. Like turn off the TV and the music, shut yourself in a dark closet, and meditate on birds.

Since your answer probably rhymed with "sever" (shame on you), I'm going to take a moment to share some of my recent deep, contemplative thoughts about birds.

How many birds would you say you have seen in the past month?

This morning as I was rigorously cleaning my ear canals with Q-tips, I made a rather alarming discovery on the box:

Warning: Do not use swab in ear canal.

Thankfully, I had just finished my fourth morning ear canal cleaning, so I was already prepped for the day before this distressing revelation. This left me with roughly twenty-three and a half hours to decide what to do now that I knew the shameful truth.

If you thought this article was going to be about some boring piece of technology, you're a nerd. No, I'm not here to talk about cell phones. I'm here to talk about fruit. It's just about that time of the year again: blackberry season! Yum!

As the most prolific weed west of the Cascades, blackberries can be found all over the Puget Sound. In my professional opinion (I have a Ph.D. in complex berry neuroscience), if you lives around here and pay money to buy blackberries, you are one of three things:

• stupid
• lazy
• a giant wuss

Actually, knowing you, you're probably all three. Seriously, there is no excuse not to pick your own blackberries. None.

Seattle is the greatest city on the planet. Strange as it may seem, there are millions of people that have not been enlightened to this basic truth. I have helpfully compiled a "top 10" list that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt just how awesome Seattle truly is.

10) People in Seattle are more educated and more intelligent than the dim-witted populace of other cities.

9) Not only are we intellectually superior, we are also morally superior. We care about all the important things like saving the planet, stopping global warming, and buying organic. It feels good to be so good...

Have you ever stopped to think about what life would be like if there were no lighthouses in existence? No West Point Light Station at Discovery Park? No Admiralty Head Light? No Alki Point Light?

I didn't think so, so here's your chance to do so.

Done already? Well okay then. Your conclusion probably went along the lines of this: "I don't want to think today. Also, you can't tell me what to do." Well if that's the way it's going to be, you leave me no choice but to straight up tell you what the world would be like if we didn't have any lighthouses.

Imagine this. You are a captain of SS Blue Flamingo and are on a very important mission to deliver three tons of marijuana to the U.S. so that all the suffering cancer patients can toke up and forget they have cancer. Day turns to night, and you find yourself in the perilous waters of Dead Cows Corner...

I feel I just have to address something gone terribly wrong in this world: Dolphins. Yes, you heard me right, dang it. I said dolphins. Yeah, I know, you think they're cute. You think they are smart. That's what you've been told. Told by the system. THE SYSTEM! DO YOU HEAR ME?! THEY ARE FORCE-FEEDING YOU THESE LIES!!

Yeah, they may LOOK cute, and their trainers may SAY they are smart, but they are not smart. Not at all. (Imagine an uppity nasal voice here) "Dolphins are easily as intelligent as man because they develop complex social relationships with other creatures and display learning skills higher than any other animal. Really humans could learn a lot from dolphins. They have the intelligence to aide them in living full happy lives, without the instinct to use their intelligence to prey on other creatures. We are indeed inferior."

With Great Wealth Comes Great Responsibility
by Bill Gates
As you know, over the past thirty years the success of Microsoft has allowed me to amass quite a personal fortune. Watching my net worth grow to nearly sixty billion dollars has obviously been an exhilarating experience, but I'd like to take a moment to share the most important thing I have learned on this wild ride: With great wealth comes great responsibility...

Woo-Hoo, I'm Rich!
by Paul Allen
Damn it feels good to be filthy stinking rich! When I hit the jackpot with Bill at Microsoft, I knew immediately that the rest of my life was going to be kick-ass awesome.

Seriously, do you even realize how sweet life is when you can afford to buy yourself anything you want? Let me give you a few examples...

The Space Needle is totally around here somewhere, I'm sure of it.

Yes, I realize we've been wandering around downtown for two hours now. That just means we must be close, right?

No, I will not stop to ask for directions. I realize that this is our first time Seattle, and I may not know where every little thing is located. But I'll be danged if I stoop to getting any so-called direction from one of these prancified coffee-swilling yuppies.

Billy wants to be a fireman when he grows up. For most little boys, this would be a reasonable dream, but for Billy, it may be a little out of his range.

See, Billy was born blind, and there aren't many blind firemen, if there are any at all. In addition to his blindness, he is deaf in both ears, which makes it even harder.

What really makes it outside of the realm of possibility though, is the fact that Billy is a quadriplegic: he cannot move any muscle below his neck. He is confined to a wheelchair, which he controls with a mouth-joystick.

These are not the complete catalog of Billy's woes, though. Not by far...