With the future looking bleaker by the day in the face of unprecedented economic meltdown, tens of thousands of people across the country are turning to sterilization to help them cope with the disaster.

Clinics in virtually every city in America have been flooded with requests for sterilization from middle-age professionals, teens barely out of puberty, and everyone in between. Without exception, those receiving the procedures have cited the country’s dismal, expensive future as explanation.

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Call centers at New York-based JPMorgan Chase & Co. were flooded with angry calls this week following the company’s launch of their first advertising campaign in the newly-acquired Seattle market.

Former WaMu customers were livid at the slogan used in the ads: “We’re Like You, But Much Richer™.” The television spots feature dozens of caricatures of Northwesterners such as “Logger,” “Grunge Band Guitarist,” and “Radio Psychologist.”

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Emboldened by the swift passage of his $700 billion Emergency Economic Stabilization Act, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson went before Congress on Monday to introduce a series of sweeping new bills that, when passed, will effectively declare Paulson to be the ultimate ruler of the universe for all time.

“I didn’t really think I could do it,” said Paulson, referring to the rapid passage of the $700 billion Wall Street bailout…

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