Robot Mariners Extend Perfect Record in 23,145 to 6 Victory Over Sheep-Clone Angels

In his 6,523rd career game, EDGARTRON-3000 led the Robot Mariners to their landmark 65,536th consecutive win Friday night against the Los Angeles Sheep-Clone Angels.

As usual, the team scored precisely 23,145.0 runs in a perfectly precise execution of baseball. The nine-inning romp included an average of 642.9167 home runs by each of the nine electronic players as the team extended its league-leading record to 3.91*1075

Oppressive Tax on Loathed Minority Set for Easy Passage

Facing an unprecedented $9 billion budget shortfall, legislators in Olympia are scrambling to find new sources of revenue to sustain the drunken spending spree of the past four years.

Now thanks to some quick thinking by Senate Majority Leader Lisa Brown, cuts in popular programs such as after school basket weaving for inner-city toddlers will likely be avoided as an oppressive tax on an unpopular minority heads for easy passage.

New Street Balloons Just the Marketing Gimmick These Overpriced Homes Need

After having houses languish unsold on the market for over a year, the marketer of Grove Cypress, a 15-home development in south Snohomish County, has discovered the key to finding buyers for the remaining $500,000 houses: street balloons.

“We’ve tried banners, flags, sandwich boards, arrow sign wavers… the works,” said Ron Freeman, Grove Cypress lead marketer. “I think the balloons will really do the trick.”

City of Kirkland Outlaws Layoffs

In a decisive and timely move during an emergency special session Saturday night, the Kirkland city council voted unanimously to pass Ordinance 4188, which prohibits any further layoffs at any company within the city limits.

“As the economic crisis continues deepen, Kirkland simply cannot afford to be marred by the destructive connotations associated with layoffs,” said Kirkland Mayor James Lauinger in a prepared statement.

Discovery of Twitter Gives Bellevue Man False Sense of Technological Prowess

BELLEVUE, WA — 38-year-old Joe Millar of Bellevue experienced a satisfying surge of adrenaline Friday upon his discovery of Twitter, the so-called “micro-blogging” internet service founded in March 2006.

When he received the new account email from Twitter, Millar was completely overwhelmed by a totally undeserved sense of tech savvy. According to internet experts (i.e. teenagers), over six million users managed to discover Twitter before Millar.


Today at noon Eastern, in a magnificent ceremony overflowing with more majesty and splendor than a human mind is capable of comprehending, President-elect Barack Obama will be sworn in as the forty-fourth President of the United States of America, ushering in a new age of eternal peace, prosperity, and oneness for all mankind.

As preparations for the crowning achievement of humankind finally come to a dramatic climax, tens of billions…

How To: Avoid Layoff-pocalypse Victimization

With something like eleven out of every ten companies in the Seattle area laying people off these days, it’s probably about time for those of you who still have a job to plan your layoff apocalypse survival strategy.

Intrepid Naked Loon staff members have endured a grueling schedule packed full of interviews with firing managers, library visits to scour the internets, and hour after hour crunching HR statistics—all to help you keep your job. Aren’t we great.

Burris Reid Smackdown Tops Cable Rankings

Illinois’ incoming junior senator Roland Burris’ no holds barred brawl with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid drew over one hundred and eighty million viewers Wednesday, with political beatdown enthusiasts from every state in the nation tuning into the brutal five hour match.

Political observers were treated to the first such fight in over one hundred years thanks to an obscure Senate rule requiring disputed seats to be settled in the boxing ring.

Nickels: Seattle #1 Bestest City in Universe

Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels’ extended his recent streak of secreting pure, unfiltered awesomeness on Wednesday by officially declaring Seattle as the “Number One Bestest City in the Entire Universe—For All Time.”

The bold call comes hot on the heels of his proclamation that the city’s response to the Colossal Blizzard Whiteout of Aught-Eight deserves a “B,” widely considered by critics to be his most delightfully bizarre move to date.


As brutally low temperatures and relentless treacherous snowfall beat down on the Puget Sound for the sixth consecutive day Thursday, weather soothsayers prophesied a sustained assault on the Northwest with icy blasts and perilous precipitation continuing into next week.

According to local officials the Dismal December Discharge of Aught-Eight has already resulted in three trillion dollars in lost productivity in the city of Seattle alone.

Bugs: Stupid Dummies

Stupid bugs. They think they’re so much better than us. Always lording their six legs and their wings and their thoraxes over us.

What gives them the right to crawl on my dirt, and fly through my air? Nothing, that’s what.

They’re so arrogant; they act like they own the planet or something. Like as if just because they outnumber us humans 42 billion to one, they think deserve some kind of respect. Not hardly.

Get the Jump on Winter Blubber

Thanksgiving just happened again and no doubt there are several Puget Soundians out there that have moved to the “winter” belt already.

Well fear not dear readers, for with the help of the ever-vigilant Naked Loon, you will not remain out of shape forever. As your host for this series, I intend to do everything in my power to ensure that we will all live a long, full life without ever having to hear the phrase “whale man” ever again.

Burien Emo Still Recovering from Awful Thanksgiving

Nearly one week after attending a big family get-together in the Portland area, 20-year-old Burien emo Nathan Peters is reportedly only halfway through the process of emotional detox.

“It’s just so much to try to handle all at once, you know?” Said Peters. “All these happy relatives and so-called friends that have oh so much to be thankful for that they feel the need to mercilessly rub it in my face for three days straight every November.”

Obama Urges Congress to “Spend like there’s no tomorrow, because if you don’t, THERE MAY NOT BE A TOMORROW.”

Citing an “economic booby trap of elephantine proportions,” President-elect Barack Obama urged Congress yesterday to pass yet another costly and ultimately ineffective “stimulus” bill as quickly as possible.

In response to the very utterance of the world’s favorite bureaucrat, stock prices surged in yet another record-setting rally—an undeniably positive sign that experts say signals an end to the economic crisis for the seventeenth time in the past six months.

Bush Extends WA Budget Deficit to $5 Billion

As one of his final acts in office, President George Bush signed an executive order earlier this week, expanding Washington State’s already crippling $3.2 billion projected budget deficit to a mind-boggling $5 billion.

In addition to personally wrecking havoc with Washington State’s budget, Bush also signed orders that would force Boeing to begin laying off thousands of employees in 2009…