Burris Reid Smackdown Tops Cable Rankings
Illinois’ incoming junior senator Roland Burris’ no holds barred brawl with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid drew over one hundred and eighty million viewers Wednesday, with political beatdown enthusiasts from every state in the nation tuning into the brutal five hour match.
Political observers were treated to the first such fight in over one hundred years thanks to an obscure Senate rule requiring disputed seats to be settled in the boxing ring.
Obama Urges Congress to “Spend like there’s no tomorrow, because if you don’t, THERE MAY NOT BE A TOMORROW.”
Citing an “economic booby trap of elephantine proportions,” President-elect Barack Obama urged Congress yesterday to pass yet another costly and ultimately ineffective “stimulus” bill as quickly as possible.
In response to the very utterance of the world’s favorite bureaucrat, stock prices surged in yet another record-setting rally—an undeniably positive sign that experts say signals an end to the economic crisis for the seventeenth time in the past six months.
Fannie, Freddie Boost Efforts to Minimize Responsibility
Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the walking-dead government-owned mortgage-finance companies, announced Tuesday that they will accelerate their anti-responsibility efforts with a new accountability elimination program designed to cut financial obligations for struggling debtors.
The mortgage giants will target loans in which borrowers have given up paying back their mortgages for three months or more and have debt obligations that exceed fifty percent of their monthly income.
Previous Stories
- Fed Cuts Rate to 1% to Ensure Prolonged Recession
- MIT Study: Internet Rife With Hypocrisy, Lies
- Paulson to Congress: You’re Mine Now, Suckas
- Ford Announces Huge Truck Sale for Ike Victims
- Stocks Slide on Stock Sliding Worries
- Twine Ball Heroically Saved from Freak Tornado
- China Fakes Entire Olympic Games
- Nation’s Moviegoers Declare War on Theaters
- FDIC Folds—Federal Finances Foolishly Floundered
- Ahmadinejad Discovers, Embraces Jewish Ancestry
- Al-Qaeda to Close Seattle Cell, Cites High Insurance Costs
- Absolutely Nothing Happens for 10,000th-Straight Day in Tiny North Dakota Town
- South Korean Transit Strike Disrupts Gamer Junk Food Supply
- US Government to Distribute Stimulus Morphine Injections
- Anti-Depressant Manufacturers Thrilled by Oncoming Recession
- China Declares War on Tectonic Plates
- Australia Welcomes Complete Lawlessness
- Bossy Hummingbirds Take Over Small Kentucky Town
- American Airlines Cancels All Flights, Forever
- Tashkent, UZ Renounces Seattle Sister City Status
- Congress Passes Some Bill
