In his 6,523rd career game, EDGARTRON-3000 led the Robot Mariners to their landmark 65,536th consecutive win Friday night against the Los Angeles Sheep-Clone Angels.

As usual, the team scored precisely 23,145.0 runs in a perfectly precise execution of baseball. The nine-inning romp included an average of 642.9167 home runs by each of the nine electronic players as the team extended its league-leading record to 3.91*10⁷⁵

Every week, tens of thousands of Seattleites find themselves facing a familiar situation: the weekend is fast-approaching, and they have absolutely no plans due to an unfortunate combination of social anxiety disorders, crippling agoraphobia, and a complete lack of spending money thanks to "the economy."

For those readers considering turning yet again to the old standby "sitting at home alone," here's a look at what you have to look forward to.

Enforcement agents from the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) put a sudden and decisive stop to a flagrant violation of intellectual property rights in the Bothell area on Tuesday.

The RIAA legal department—which makes up 97% of the organization—learned of the notorious "Northshore Christmas Biker" thanks to a tip from Citizen Rain, a Seattle-area community blog operated by KING 5 Television.

After months of hype and non-stop gamer salivation, Redmond-based software giant and Puget Sound economic savior Microsoft released their New Xbox Experience (NXE) Wednesday.

Inquiring minds want to know: is NXE deserving of all the excitement? Will NXE solve all your problems and do the laundry for you? Should every single person rush out right now to buy two, three, or even fifty-eight Xbox 360s in order to fully experience this shiny new Xbox update?

Reacting to the continually worsening economic situation, television networks have unveiled dozens of new recession-themed shows that will replace struggling series mid-season.

Among the new entries to the winter lineup are comedies such as "Everybody Loves Ramen," "30Cents," and "My Social Security Number is 078-05-1120."

Police in Sultan arrested world-famous polka star "Weird" Al Yankovic on Monday, charging him with seven counts of illegal chinchilla breeding and four counts of aiding and abetting copious concealed chinchilla copulation.

"This is probably the most disturbing crime I've had to deal with in my entire career," said Sultan's Interim Police Chief Rick Hawkins. "I don't think I'll ever be able to scrub the image from my brain."

In three short weeks, this delightful election season will finally come to an end, as the thrilling climax wraps up well over a year of non-stop entertainment. Unfortunately, once the post-election rioting dies down, millions of Americans will be left with a frightening entertainment void.

Luckily, thanks to the beauty and majesty of network television, Americans need not fear being forced to face the depressing reality of their pathetic everyday lives.

As the stock market continues its historic plunge, one local musician is making literally tens of dollars on an original hit song: Wall Street Inferno.

Ballard resident Michael Locowitz generally spends his days trolling various internet message boards, arguing heatedly about the latest headlines. However, internet arguments had to take a back seat when inspiration struck as Locowitz watched the stock market tumble last week.

A groundbreaking independent film screening this weekend in Seattle takes an insightful, entertaining, and totally original look into the mind of nature's most overlooked insect: the ant.

Local filmmaker Andy Todd's new film, Ant: The Awakening, will premier Saturday to an audience of pretentious indie-film-enthusiasts at the Jewel Box Theater in Belltown.

Christine Gregoire today asked President Bush to declare a federal disaster area for Washington State counties hit hard by this year's unspeakably horrendous Mariners' season.

Gregoire requested federal assistance for King, Snohomish, Pierce, Kitsap, Thurston, and Island counties.

On Monday, Gregoire viewed Safeco field by air and visited Mariners team stores in downtown Seattle and Bellevue to survey damage from this year's record low number of team wins...

Is it pointless to review Season 1 of 24, a show that came out on DVD nearly six years ago? In a word, no. In two words, it's possible. In three words, yeah, you bet.

From the moment you pop in the first episode of 24 and you hear Jack Bauer employ his incredibly dramatic voice to explain that events occur in real time, you know that 24 is going to be something really... special.

Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist, author, and totally serious presidential candidate Dave Barry took a brief break from his whirlwind Olympic trip Monday to unveil his latest project: Dave Barry: The Musical.

"I'm really excited that I will finally get a chance to share Dave Barry: The Musical with my fans," said Barry in a live video feed from his Beijing hotel. "I think they will both really get a kick out of it."

Although many critics feared that Barry would follow up his film adaptation of his book "Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys" with a stage version of the same, Barry reports that Dave Barry: The Musical consists of entirely new material.

Barry has been working on the stage production since 2003, when a talking platypus outlined the original plot for him in a lucid dream.

Kirkland resident Matthew Teton reported Thursday that he has not yet decided if it is worth four dollars on iTunes to download the hit internet supervillain musical Dr. Horrible.

Teton insists that his indecision has nothing to do with the entertainment quality of the production from Firefly producer Joss Whedon, describing it as "totally hilarious" and "a must-watch."

"Neil Patrick Harris was perfect as the aspiring villain and bumbling romantic Dr. Horrible," said Teton. "But is it worth four dollars to be able to have Dr. Horrible on my iPhone... I just don't know."

OKLAHOMA CITY – Oklahoma City SuperSonics owner Clay Bennett announced today that he will sell the NBA team he wrested from Seattle and moved to Oklahoma City just three weeks ago. Bennett said he and his fellow billionaire owners realized after their settlement victory in Seattle that there is one thing they enjoy more than owning a basketball team.

“More than We love screwing people over,” a beaming Bennett said. “When we looked down from the 14th floor of the federal courthouse and saw 3,000 Sonics fans holding a rally – helium balloons, dorky signs – to save their team, how could you top that?

“We said, ‘Just think, we could do this to a whole damn state!’ It's like pissing off your little brother and holding him back from punching you by jamming your hand on his forehead – times 6.5 million,” he said.

For many Seattle-area residents, the only thing more depressing than the thought of Californian immigration to Washington is organized sports.

The Mariners are floundering at the bottom of the MLB heap, and have never even been to the World Series. The Seahawks lost their one shot at the Super Bowl to a bunch of guys in striped shirts. Rumor has it that the Sonics won the NBA Championship once, but now that the NBA has skipped town, Seattle's only remaining sports team to have won a national title is the Seattle Storm, our WNBA team. Unfortunately, there are only approximately three people in all of Seattle that care about the WNBA, and this includes the team, their families, and their friends.

In spite of all this, there is still hope for sports fans in the Puget Sound. We need not stoop so low as to feign interest in women's basketball in order to enjoy the glory of having a winning team. No, we must simply turn our attention to Seattle's most overlooked and—more importantly—our winningest sport: WhirlyBall.

Editor's note: Thanks to the uncanny prescience of our writing staff, The Naked Loon is able to bring you the big news about today's Sonics ruling ten whole hours before anyone else!

Welcome to the future, Seattle.

As U.S. District Judge Marsha Pechman handed down her decision today in Seattle's lawsuit against the Sonics, team owner Clay Bennett successfully maintained his trademark scowl without displaying even so much as a slight twitch at the corner of his lips.

When Judge Pechman's ruling was revealed at 4:00 this afternoon...

With Great Wealth Comes Great Responsibility
by Bill Gates
As you know, over the past thirty years the success of Microsoft has allowed me to amass quite a personal fortune. Watching my net worth grow to nearly sixty billion dollars has obviously been an exhilarating experience, but I'd like to take a moment to share the most important thing I have learned on this wild ride: With great wealth comes great responsibility...

Woo-Hoo, I'm Rich!
by Paul Allen
Damn it feels good to be filthy stinking rich! When I hit the jackpot with Bill at Microsoft, I knew immediately that the rest of my life was going to be kick-ass awesome.

Seriously, do you even realize how sweet life is when you can afford to buy yourself anything you want? Let me give you a few examples...

Lawyers for the city of Seattle scored a virtual slam dunk in the city's trial with Sonics' ownership on Wednesday.

The turning point came when the city revealed a series of enthusiastic text messages between Clay Bennett and other members of the Professional Basketball Club that confirmed their intent to move the team to Oklahoma City from the beginning.

"omg ok sncs ftw," declared Bennett in a text sent to co-owner Aubrey McClendon on October 24, 2006, the day the NBA approved the sale of the team.