Nigel Jones | The Naked Loon↑ click to enlarge ↑Friendless loser Ted Elias passes out on the futon in the midst of a marathon session of Grand Theft Auto IV, the Xbox 360's latest hit game.

In the latest shot across the bow of the beleaguered local software giant, friendless loser Ted Elias is suing Microsoft for $25 million.

A statement released by Elias’ lawyer on Friday accuses Microsoft of “totally destroying his mental, social, and physical health by providing my client with unlimited access to the addictive Xbox 360 video game console as well as an unending stream of engrossing hit games.”

“Before he was introduced to the virtual mind-control of the Xbox 360, my client was a successful, well-developed 27-year-old,” said attorney Martin Finklestein, representing Elias in the case. “However, after just two years under the influence of Redmond’s electro-brainwashing, he has lost his job, his friends, and even his basic sense of hygiene.”

“Virtually non-stop video gaming is an expensive habit to maintain,” said Finklestein, “and since my client lost his job because of this console, we feel that it is only fair that he be compensated with a sum of money large enough to feed his disgusting addiction in perpetuity.”

Elias’ relationship with the Xbox 360 began innocently enough, when he received one as a gift from his parents for Christmas in 2005. He casually played through games like Project Gotham Racing 3 and Kameo: Elements of Power, but the rush of endorphins he experienced upon completing a game only drove him to want more, more, more of that sweet virtual escape from reality.

Everything really started to go downhill for Elias when he discovered “gamerscores,” a sort of online loser reputation that is built by accomplishing arbitrary and pointless “achievements” in Xbox 360 games. After playing completely through well over one hundred games, 1337GMR847, Elias’ online Xbox 360 identity, achieved a gamerscore of over 175,000, placing him among the 50 biggest losers on Microsoft’s online service.

Unfortunately for Elias, his rise to online supremacy was inversely proportionate to his success in the real world. As his gaming addiction grew deeper and deeper, he began to lose touch with his friends and family, and his performance at work suffered. It was only little things in the beginning, like skipping showers in the morning before work to squeeze in an extra 15 minutes of Gears of War.

But before long, he found himself turning down dates with attractive coworkers because he was hoping to discover some new plasmids in BioShock that night. When asked what the hell a plasmid is, Elias mumbled something incoherent about a guy named Adam and his little sister.

When asked to explain why Elias’ plight is Microsoft’s fault, his attorney explained that were it not for Microsoft releasing a constant stream of new, exciting, and increasingly time-consuming games, Elias would be able to function as a normal, contributing member of society.

“My client is just hoping to get Microsoft to take responsibility for ruining his life,” said Finklestein. “Considering how much money they’ve thrown away on the Xbox division so far, we don’t think that $25 million is an unreasonable amount to ask.”

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