Coming Soon: Local Bailout Proposals

TOPICS:credit-in-crisis Stats

Posted By: Alfred Matthew 2009-04-25

Robot Mariners Extend Perfect Record in 23,145 to 6 Victory Over Sheep-Clone Angels

In his 6,523rd career game, EDGARTRON-3000 led the Robot Mariners to their landmark 65,536th consecutive win Friday night against the Los Angeles Sheep-Clone Angels.

As usual, the team scored precisely 23,145.0 runs in a perfectly precise execution of baseball. The nine-inning romp included an average of 642.9167 home runs by each of the nine electronic players as the team extended its league-leading record to 3.91*10⁷⁵

Posted By: Addison Berkeley 2009-01-15

Stop Whining and Start Visualizing

You know what? I have had it with all the gloomy, depressing talk about the economy. I think it is time for us to stop whining, get off our butts, and do something about this mess we find ourselves in.

There is nothing we can do to change the past. We should not dwell on the fact that George W. Bush has personally ruined our careers, destroyed our hard-earned home equity, and driven us into suffocating credit card debt. Now is not the time for that.

Posted By: Nigel Jones 2008-10-05

2009-03-29

City of Kirkland Outlaws Layoffs

In a decisive and timely move during an emergency special session Saturday night, the Kirkland city council voted unanimously to pass Ordinance 4188, which prohibits any further layoffs at any company within the city limits.

“As the economic crisis continues deepen, Kirkland simply cannot afford to be marred by the destructive connotations associated with layoffs,” said Kirkland Mayor James Lauinger in a prepared statement.

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2008-12-31

Nickels: Seattle #1 Bestest City in Universe

2008-12-18

WILL IT NEVER END?!?

2008-12-03

Burien Emo Still Recovering from Awful Thanksgiving

Nigel Jones

Naked Loon Photographer / Illustrator

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2008-05-28

Naked Loon Travel: Boston

As a resident of the greater Seattle area, you know that there is no better place on Earth than the perfect paradise we live in here in the Puget Sound.

While traveling outside of our green and blue utopia is a decidedly bizarre and unnatural course of action, it is understandable that you might sometimes find yourself wondering what life is like for the unprivileged masses that are doomed to live in the less desirable 99.99% of the planet.

Thankfully for you, The Naked Loon is rushing to your aid yet again, going places you don’t want to go and coming back to bring you all the disturbing details. This month’s punishing journey takes our roving reporter 2,500 miles away, clear over to the shriveled husk of an allegedly-once-great city: Boston, Massachusetts.

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2008-06-16

7 Ways to Save $7,777 by Christmas in July

As the price of gas barely pauses at $4 on its way up to $10 a gallon and you find yourself spending $300 at the grocery store for little more than an organic grapefruit and a box of low sodium Wheat Thins, it is only by the grace of home equity withdrawals that so many of us have avoided bankruptcy this long.

It is getting harder and harder to make ends meet these days, let alone find the money to take advantage of all the latest great sales at our favorite stores. With the amazing savings of Independence Day sales and Christmas in July just around the corner, it’s time to start looking for ways to save some coin.

Thankfully, all you have to do is follow these practical money-saving steps based on the average Seattle-area budget, and you are guaranteed to save $7,777 in just four weeks.

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2008-07-21

Dino Rossi Adamantly Denies Ties to Local Charity

Republican candidate for Governor Dino Rossi issued a strong statement today denying any ties to charities in general and Seattle’s Union Gospel Mission in particular. A series of incriminating photographs have been revealed that show Rossi performing a number of selfless volunteer acts for Seattle’s Union Gospel Mission.

“I do not now, nor have I ever cared even the slightest bit about what happens to the homeless,” said Rossi. “This is just another of the baseless attacks that have become typical of my opponent.”

Allegations of Rossi’s involvement at the shelter began in May. At that time, Rossi denied having any sort of connection, saying “I don’t even know what the Union Gospel Mission is, but I definitely don’t support unions.” However, an in-depth investigative report by the Naked Loon uncovered evidence that contradicted Rossi’s claims.

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2008-06-02

Poll: Political Campaigns Not Nasty Enough Yet

A recent poll of three thousand Americans revealed that a majority of likely voters believe that this year’s political campaigns have been too civil to date, and would like to see the volume of spite and malice turned up a few notches.

“This year’s mudslinging has gotten off to a decent start,” said pollster Jim Hornswall, citing examples of allegedly-unofficial smears such as the Barrack Hussein Obama: Muslim Terrorist Lover video on YouTube and the John McCain is a Senile Old Coot blog. “But voters are craving more,” he said.

Americans are already tired of hearing about the so-called “issues” such as Obama’s plan to bring troops home from Iraq or McCain’s position on climate change…

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2008-04-01

Woman Shocked to Learn Fremont Statue not John Lennon

Lake Forest Park resident Mary Sullivan was shocked on Wednesday when she learned that Fremont’s famous statue of Lenin is in fact an image of the Soviet leader Vladimir Lenin, not the late singer-songwriter John Lennon, as she previously believed.

“Lenin and Lennon sound pretty much the same,” said Sullivan. “When people talked about Fremont’s statue of Lenin, I just assumed it was John Lennon.”

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