At the conclusion of a specially-convened 48-hour summit this weekend, the United Nations narrowly passed a resolution declaring an official end to the worldwide economic crisis.
The resolution states that if the complete and utter collapse of the world economy refuses to cease all its financial destruction programs and allow UN inspectors to verify the termination thereof, it runs the risk of bearing the full brunt of further resolutions.
“The world has allowed this wanton economic devastation to go on long enough,” said German Ambassador Thomas Matussek. “It is past time to put a stop to this ruthless incorporeal tyrant, and this body is prepared to pass as many resolutions as it takes.”
Although some economists warned of an imminent collapse of the worldwide credit bubble as early as the late 1990s, the unavoidable meltdown caught world leaders totally off-guard and left them scrambling for a quick and painless fix.
“The United Nations is proud to continue its long-standing tradition of taking a crucial leading role in solving the world’s problems,” said Ambassador Sylvie Lucas of Luxembourg, current head of the United Nations Economic and Social Council. “Over the years we have found that there is no problem on Earth that cannot be solved by issuing a few dozen strongly-worded resolutions.”
UN troops will be deployed immediately to the affected regions across the globe in order to feign willingness of the international body to use military might to enforce the resolution.
Since late 2008, over thirteen quadrillion dollars of imaginary profits have been annihilated in the collapse of unsustainable, highly-leveraged, debt-based economies around the world.
UN observers cheered the weekend move as a bold and timely action. “No nation or individual should have to suffer for poor economic choices,” said Harvard Economist Cheryl Miranda.
“I think this resolution has what it takes to lull the world back into a sense of false prosperity,” said Miranda. “With a little luck, an alignment of the planets, and just a sprinkling of pixie dust, everything just might be okay.”