Illinois’ incoming junior senator Roland Burris’ no holds barred brawl with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid drew over one hundred and eighty million viewers Wednesday, with political beatdown enthusiasts from every state in the nation tuning into the brutal five hour match.
Political observers were treated to the first such fight in over one hundred years thanks to an obscure Senate rule requiring disputed seats to be settled in the boxing ring.
Over seventeen thousand people poured into the Vegas MGM Grand Garden Arena to watch the event live. Ironically, the total take from ticket sales for the match reached more than ten times the $2.5 million that Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is accused of seeking in exchange for the vacant Senate seat.
The fight lasted a full ten rounds, with the victory going to Burris in a split decision. A battered and bruised Reid immediately demanded a recount of the judges’ decision, but was escorted out of the ring by the referee to a thundering chorus of boos from onlookers.
After the match, Burris described the fight with Reid as “pretty wicked sweet” and called Reid a “delusional old man that couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag.”
“I’m very pleased this afternoon. I’m happy. …I had the opportunity to literally beat down the Majority Leader as a junior senator. Isn’t it great?” Burris told reporters.
Speaking with reporters from a hospital bed following the bout, Reid said that he is waiting for a ruling from the Illinois Supreme Court on whether the judges’ decision in the match requires the certification of Illinois Secretary of State Jesse White.
Burris’ victory not only means that he will be seated in the Senate, but it also gives him the legal right to refer to Reid as a “little girl,” “pansy,” and/or “Gladys.”