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US Government to Distribute Stimulus Morphine Injections

Chrissy Hawkins, 4, eyes red from crying nearly non-stop since her father lost one of his five jobs last week forcing an imminent move to Renton. Her morphine stimulus injection couldn't have come at a better time.
Belinda Hankins Miller | Flickr↑ click to enlarge ↑Chrissy Hawkins, 4, eyes red from crying nearly non-stop since her father lost one of his five jobs last week forcing an imminent move to Renton. Her morphine stimulus injection couldn't have come at a better time.

A complete lack of positive results from the economic stimulus checks being sent out to American families since early last month has led the federal government to try a more aggressive stimulus: Morphine.

“It appears that most of the stimulus checks are being used to catch up on bills or pay off debt,” said Treasury spokesman Andrew DeSouza. “We tried to make it clear that these checks were supposed to be spent on frivolous consumer goods, but it seems that the American people are too selfish to come together and properly stimulate the economy.”

While the remaining stimulus checks will still be mailed out, the government is already moving to Plan B. Accepting that there is nothing that can be done for the economy at this point, the focus has turned to the millions of Americans suffering from the downturn. In order to dull the pain brought on by job losses and rising costs for food and gas, government offices will be distributing free morphine injections through the end of the summer.

“We’re really excited about this new program,” said DeSouza. “If we can’t avoid the economic fallout from the plethora of irresponsible moves our nation has made over the last decade, the least we can do is give our citizens a powerful way to chemically ease the suffering.”

The morphine stimulus injections will be delivered by government-licensed heath-care professionals stationed at DMV and Social Security offices throughout the country. Vouchers that will allow for up to three shots per week have already been mailed out to millions of households nationwide.

Additional vouchers are available for individuals that are experiencing particularly acute economic pain. Persons that have experienced extreme hardships (such as needing to sell the boat or cut back to just three lattes per week) can apply for as many as ten weekly injections.

President Bush said Friday that he believes this new plan has what it takes to help Americans forget the worries of the faltering economy. “As our once-great nation slowly drowns in the vicious currents of the global economy, a strong dose of mind-altering drugs is just what the doctor ordered,” said Bush.

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3 Comments on “US Government to Distribute Stimulus Morphine Injections”

  1. Distributed at the DMV? hahaha.

  2. Oh my God, what am I going to do? I had it set up with the bartender at the SeaFarers bar on 3rd Avenue to collect my stimulous check along with my Social security check and pay off the ‘Cribs’ crack dealer before he breaks my legs! Oh well, I’ll go get the shot instead. That way I won’t feel anything when they come after me.
    COMPAINT TO THE MAYOR OF SEATTLE: I object to the high cost of pot these days. It is now up by 50% for a baggie. Why is good smoking dope so expensive? Is it them rag headed A-Rabs sticking it to us again? Can’t you tax them on the basis of CO2 cap and trade and give the dollars to us to offset the high per ounce cost of our loco weed?

  3. Smoking pot generates CO2. Half the money you pay for it goes to fund Al Gore’s private jet.

    And I am looking forward to my regular morphine injections. I’ve still got my job, so I’m not sure three a week will be sufficient.

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