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Deadly Butt-Cheek Disease Thwarted by Paper Seat Cover

The site of Tuesday's close call.
Daniel Spils | Flickr↑ click to enlarge ↑The site of Tuesday's close call.

PIKE PLACE MARKET, SEATTLE – A deadly strain of Hinternoccoci bacteria was soundly thwarted in its attempt to spread from a public toilet seat to the butt-cheek of area man Todd Stanley Tuesday.

Before taking his seat on the public toilet, Stanley carefully removed a paper toilet seat cover from the “Health Guard” dispenser in the stall, placing it squarely on the communal throne.

“Most bacteria and viruses have to get inside your body to be of any real danger,” said UW toiletologist Doctor Frank Pinkerton. “In order to reach your bloodstream, germs like Hinternoccoci are capable of burrowing through the immensely thick layers of fat in the posterior. I cannot stress enough the vital importance of stopping the spread of these determined deadly diseases by placing a thin layer of tissue paper on public toilet seats before use.”

“Imagine a vast army of microbes, teeming about on the toilet seat—armed to the teeth and thirsty for blood—human blood,” Dr. Pinkerton continued. “As the unsuspecting victim approaches, the bacteria are euphoric, foaming at their single-celled mouth-like openings and beating against one another in vicious anticipation.”

“But alas, just before the unwitting fool enters the thirsty clutches of the germ forces, he reaches out and covers them with some sort of magical barrier! The army’s intense weaponry is useless against the mystic forces of the single-ply tree-based obstruction. Dejected and defeated, they console themselves by throwing a party for Charlie, whose mitochondria just differentiated him into super-virus status.”

Upon further examination of Dr. Pinkerton’s credentials, it was determined that his doctorate was in fact issued by Quaker Oats as the prize in a box of Cap’n Crunch.

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4 Comments on “Deadly Butt-Cheek Disease Thwarted by Paper Seat Cover”

  1. Anybody been to the Chicago airport? No paper seat covers. You just push the little red button and you get brand spanking new plastic… I’ve often wondered if it just goes round and round and is never replaced. Al Gore would like that!

  2. Can the same thing happen in the car for extended long drives up the coast to Portland? Car seat covers might help and mine have come through, sheepskin ones… super comfortable, I wish could read the paper and sit on that and not worry about funky bugs like this one.

    They need more sheepskin toilet seat covers out there!

  3. What you’re saying is that my life-long crippling fear of toilet seat bacteria is completely valid?

  4. it just blows my mind when i found out that my children’s school kid’s restroom doesn’t provide sanitary toilet seat covers but the adults’s restroom does… is there anyone who could justify why??? why adults or employees are being protected and not the children…and puleazzz don’t tell me it’s budget thing coz the adult’s restrooms have it… and if there’s anyone out there who could support my concern please help!!!! help the childrenn!!!!

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