PIKE PLACE MARKET, SEATTLE – A deadly strain of Hinternoccoci bacteria was soundly thwarted in its attempt to spread from a public toilet seat to the butt-cheek of area man Todd Stanley Tuesday.
Before taking his seat on the public toilet, Stanley carefully removed a paper toilet seat cover from the “Health Guard” dispenser in the stall, placing it squarely on the communal throne.
“Most bacteria and viruses have to get inside your body to be of any real danger,” said UW toiletologist Doctor Frank Pinkerton. “In order to reach your bloodstream, germs like Hinternoccoci are capable of burrowing through the immensely thick layers of fat in the posterior. I cannot stress enough the vital importance of stopping the spread of these determined deadly diseases by placing a thin layer of tissue paper on public toilet seats before use.”
“Imagine a vast army of microbes, teeming about on the toilet seat—armed to the teeth and thirsty for blood—human blood,” Dr. Pinkerton continued. “As the unsuspecting victim approaches, the bacteria are euphoric, foaming at their single-celled mouth-like openings and beating against one another in vicious anticipation.”
“But alas, just before the unwitting fool enters the thirsty clutches of the germ forces, he reaches out and covers them with some sort of magical barrier! The army’s intense weaponry is useless against the mystic forces of the single-ply tree-based obstruction. Dejected and defeated, they console themselves by throwing a party for Charlie, whose mitochondria just differentiated him into super-virus status.”
Upon further examination of Dr. Pinkerton’s credentials, it was determined that his doctorate was in fact issued by Quaker Oats as the prize in a box of Cap’n Crunch.