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Climatologists: Melting Arctic Ice an Excellent Source of Bottled Water

A future advertisement for bottled Arctic melt-off.
Nick Russill | Flickr↑ click to enlarge ↑A future advertisement for bottled Arctic melt-off.

In the wake of last week’s seemingly dire news that ice at the North Pole is on track to melt by September, climatologists have come forward with news that somewhat softens the blow. According to a growing number of scientists, melting arctic ice tastes absolutely delicious—far better than any bottled water currently on the market.

“Recent Arctic warming is quite dramatic,” said Jolene Townsend, a climatologist at the University of Washington, “but so is the American appetite for pure, fresh-tasting bottled water.” Townsend described the scenario as a win-win since really who lives in the Arctic anyway—nobody, that’s who.

“If I weren’t so busy breathlessly spreading global warming alarmism, I would bottle this stuff and sell it myself,” said University of Colorado climatologist Steven Wiltshire. “This amazing water really deserves to be consumed by whatever tiny percentage of the population survives the upcoming environmental apocalypse.”

The Arctic’s natural cycle of melting during the summer months happens to conveniently coincide with an increased demand for bottled water during that same time. Bottling the water at the source and shipping it directly to retail outlets throughout the country would ensure that consumers are able to taste the freshest consequences that global warming has to offer.

“From the viewpoint of science, the North Pole is just another point on the globe, but Americans eat up symbolism,” said Townsend. “Who wouldn’t want to drink a fresh, cool bottle of North Pole Ice?”

As the Arctic ice continues to retreat, scientists expect that even perennial, or multiyear, ice will shrink in size. When ice that has lasted through multiple cycles of thawing and cooling eventually melts, the resulting bottled water will have a unique taste that is both antique and fresh.

“Everyone deserves to experience the crisp taste of the fast-melting Arctic,” said Wiltshire. “It really is the ultimate thirst-quencher.”

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7 Comments on “Climatologists: Melting Arctic Ice an Excellent Source of Bottled Water”

  1. This is amazing :) Where can I buy it???

  2. this is another glacial melt wonder –from the andean patagonia in southern chile– coming down the pike and is about to hit soon, truly raw water as it was meant to be. from what i know will only be available in glass bottles and will have no carbon footprint since it is natural melt for one and all is done with gravity feeds. ships carrying the water are on regular trips so no extra burning from this source.

  3. What is wrong with you humans? When we first came to your planet we were a bit amazed at your somewhat puzzling history, and now we are beyond amazed. Not all humans are ignorant. Far too many are. This article on the melting polar caps was written as a joke, tell me it was…please?

  4. Hmm… just a touch too much salt…

  5. Bottled water IS global warming. Choose Tap Water and fund your local public infrastructure for water and sanitation. Yeaaaa!

  6. You forgot to mention how mighty tasty the Arctic Polar Bears are, and their fur coats, since the planet is too warm for jackets, make great sponges to wash your Hummers.

    Someone needs to dig up cooking instructions on how long you need to roast a Polar Bear. I hear the cubs are very desirable at your local Asian Restaurants; very soft flesh melt in your mouth.

  7. If only I had had some of this when I was STUCK in my garage!

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