In the wake of last week’s seemingly dire news that ice at the North Pole is on track to melt by September, climatologists have come forward with news that somewhat softens the blow. According to a growing number of scientists, melting arctic ice tastes absolutely delicious—far better than any bottled water currently on the market.
“Recent Arctic warming is quite dramatic,” said Jolene Townsend, a climatologist at the University of Washington, “but so is the American appetite for pure, fresh-tasting bottled water.” Townsend described the scenario as a win-win since really who lives in the Arctic anyway—nobody, that’s who.
“If I weren’t so busy breathlessly spreading global warming alarmism, I would bottle this stuff and sell it myself,” said University of Colorado climatologist Steven Wiltshire. “This amazing water really deserves to be consumed by whatever tiny percentage of the population survives the upcoming environmental apocalypse.”
The Arctic’s natural cycle of melting during the summer months happens to conveniently coincide with an increased demand for bottled water during that same time. Bottling the water at the source and shipping it directly to retail outlets throughout the country would ensure that consumers are able to taste the freshest consequences that global warming has to offer.
“From the viewpoint of science, the North Pole is just another point on the globe, but Americans eat up symbolism,” said Townsend. “Who wouldn’t want to drink a fresh, cool bottle of North Pole Ice?”
As the Arctic ice continues to retreat, scientists expect that even perennial, or multiyear, ice will shrink in size. When ice that has lasted through multiple cycles of thawing and cooling eventually melts, the resulting bottled water will have a unique taste that is both antique and fresh.
“Everyone deserves to experience the crisp taste of the fast-melting Arctic,” said Wiltshire. “It really is the ultimate thirst-quencher.”