In an announcement on Amazon.com’s front page this week, CEO Jeff Bezos declared Kindle—their handheld electronic reading device—to be an overwhelming success, unmatched since the dawn of time by any achievement in the universe.
“Dear Customers,” begins the message from Bezos. “We continue to be astonished at your insatiable hunger for Kindle: our earth-shattering nirvana delivery system.”
“To date, we have sold more than three hundred Kindles for every man, woman, and child on planet Earth,” the note continued, “That’s over two trillion Kindles in just six months.”
Though the internet superstore experienced troubles keeping up such a breakneck manufacturing pace early on, they have since solved this problem by converting the entire nation of China into what is essentially a single, enormous Kindle factory. “With over 1.3 billion people building Kindles night and day, we believe we have finally overcome our production issues,” said Bezos. “They can even assemble Kindles straight through breakfast, lunch, and dinner, now that we deliver all of their essential nutrients intravenously.”
This week’s announcement is the latest in a series of breathless proclamations that have taken up exclusive residence on Amazon.com’s front page since Kindle’s November launch. The message has evolved from “buy a Kindle” to “buy another one for the office,” to “laminate every surface of your house with Kindles, so you never have to reach more than a few inches to get your hands on one.”
In addition to selling an average of 8 million Kindles every minute, Amazon.com is also busy expanding the selection of material available to the billions of blissful Kindle owners. To date, the Kindle catalog has over thirty-seven quadrillion titles, and encompasses every known work in the history of the written word, as well as a growing number of compositions that have not yet even been conceived, to be written by authors that will not even exist for millennia.
Of course, even the immaculate pinnacle of mankind’s technological prowess is not without its detractors. “The button placement doesn’t make any sense,” says one review of Kindle on its Amazon page. “It’s like it was designed to be held by some sort of bizarre alien hands or something.”
“That’s actually a part of our expansion plans for Kindle,” explained Bezos, “by our estimates, the extraterrestrial market outnumbers the human market fifty-three-million to one, so it made sense for us to release a design that is well-suited to the unique ergonomic requirements of the plethora of alien species in our galaxy and beyond. That way we don’t have to redesign it when we literally launch it into space.”
Bezos continues to be upbeat about the future prospects of Kindle. “I invite you to read Amazon’s just-released hourly letter to shareholders,” reads the announcement. “We outline our long-term vision for Kindle, but if you’re too busy reading the infinite selection of titles on your Kindles to check it out, here’s a summary. When this dimension’s market for Kindle is finally saturated, we basically plan to throw on a few new features and come out with Kindle 2.0.”