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Scientists Counter Invading Species in Puget Sound

The Puget Sound runs red with blood, ravaged by hostile invading species.
Nigel Jones | The Naked Loon↑ click to enlarge ↑The Puget Sound runs red with blood, ravaged by hostile invading species.

The once-peaceful Puget Sound is turning into a blood-soaked battleground as a host of invading species stage complex military assaults on native flora and fauna.

In a comprehensive report released this week, local environmental scientists revealed that everything from orca and salmon to algae and seaweed is feeling the brunt of an attack by invading forces. Taking advantage of an ecosystem already weakened by the global warming debate, an army of hundreds of thousands of Pacific crabs have coordinated a six-month offensive on the native species.

In the process of studying this strange event, scientists have sustained dozens of casualties, including two fatalities, as their research vessels were subjected to a constant barrage of torpedo and mortar attacks.

“It’s quite possible that one day soon, will wake up and everything will be dead,” said UW oceanographer Jan Newton, whose work is featured in the report. “I don’t just mean everything in the Puget Sound,” she continued, “I mean everything.” She went on to explain that of course if everything were indeed dead, no one would actually be waking up, but that she phrased it that way for dramatic effect.

Puget Sound’s ill-prepared native plants and animals have been no match for the variety of attacks that have been carried out by the invading crabs. From precision strikes on apparent top orca matriarchs to large-scale assaults on seaweed encampments, the invasion has thoroughly ravaged the sound and all life within it. Local species have attempted to fight back by planting improvised bisque devices (IBDs) outside crab strongholds and laying butter-filled bombs alongside common caravan routes.

“We can only assume as to what their motives are,” said Mark Clark, a representative of the Puget Sound Action Team. “I’m a marine biologist, not an admiral in the Navy,” he said.

We contacted the Navy, but they refused to comment on the invasion except to deny that they were in any way involved in “what was clearly an excellent training program that this unstoppable army of killer crabs must have been put through.”

No specific course of action was recommended by the report, but Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels was quick to respond to the news, announcing that he will form a research committee to explore the options available to the city. “Maybe we’ll build a wall,” said the mayor, “or maybe we just need to open more seafood restaurants.”

Local scientists will keep a close watch on the underwater action, and have said that they will be quick to sound the alarm if it becomes apparent that the foreign aggressors intend to extend their invasion into a ground-based assault.

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One Comment on “Scientists Counter Invading Species in Puget Sound”

  1. This totally looks like a precursor to something more.

    I’m scared and taking my children out of school.

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