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2008-04-14

Desperate for Veteran Bullpen Leadership, Mariners Sign 97-year-old Pitcher

In a desperate effort to gain experienced leadership among their pitching staff, the Mariners have brought on Pappy McFreeson, a 97-year-old relief pitcher.

The Mariners have had difficulty as of late retaining experienced talent in the bullpen, and the move is seen as a clear indication of their commitment to turn that trend around.

Having pitched in the major leagues for sixty-eight years, McFreeson alone has ten times more experience than the rest of the M’s bullpen combined.

2008-04-01

Kent City Council Insists Kent Not That Bad

The Kent City Council passed a unanimous resolution on Tuesday, declaring the city to be “Not That Bad, Really.” Putting aside their differences, council members united behind the initiative, which is aimed at improving Kent’s image in the Puget Sound and across the country.

“Some people seem to think that Kent is a desolate wasteland, devoid of even the most basic human necessities,” Councilmember Les Thomas said…

2008-05-29

Anti-Depressant Manufacturers Thrilled by Oncoming Recession

Although most families find that the onset of a recession is a hardship to be overcome, there is a silver lining to every cloud. One such example is the makers of various anti-depressant medications, for whom the prospect of impending national economic difficulty is like winning the lottery.

As consumers across the nation tighten their belts and cut back on all but the basic necessities, often the first things to go are the budgets for entertainment and eating out. While a lack of amusing distractions coupled with a job loss or pay cut may leave families feeling down and out, it has drug makers smiling ear to ear.

“In these trying times,” said Pfizer CEO Jeff Kindler, “we are overjoyed to be in a position that allows us to reap massive profits by giving people the ability to chemically alter their mood.”

2008-07-06

Seattle Sell-Off!

(Visit The Naked Loon to view this life-altering graphic)

2008-06-13

Totally Normal Wet, Gray Weather Surprises Forgetful Seattle Residents

Much to the dismay of the recent California migrants that make up 60% of the Seattle-area population, recent Puget Sound weather patterns continue to show no sign of shifting from “gray with drizzle” to “partly gray.”

In what should come as a surprise to absolutely no one—cloudy skies, rain, and 60-degree weather continue to persist in the Seattle area as the technical start of “summer” rapidly approaches. Despite the incredible normality of this phenomenon, the dreary weather is the number one topic of conversation for most area residents heading into what promises to be yet another damp, gray weekend.

“I know it doesn’t normally come until July or August, but I wish summer would just hurry up and get here already,” said Dupont resident Stacey Cassel. “Summer is my favorite week of the year,” she added.

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