Former President Ronald Reagan returned from the afterlife Wednesday to deliver a message to members of the Republican Party: “You are the problem.”
In a blatant beyond-the-grave violation of the 11th commandment—thou shalt not speak ill of another Republican—a ghostly image of Reagan floated over his tomb at the Reagan Library in Simi Valley and launched into a two-hour tirade against the Republican party in general and a number of Republicans specifically.
“What the hell, guys,” said the spectre, visibly agitated. “How is it possible that so many of you can be claiming my legacy and yet continue to so dramatically screw things up?”
The spirit covered dozens of topics in his other-worldly speech, from the principles of limited government and defense policy to basic human nature.
“What part of ‘man is not free unless government is limited’ was difficult for you to understand,” asked Reagan. “I mean, it’s not like it’s a difficult concept. And yet, you’ve increased the size of government at every opportunity.
“Republicans have been in control of either Congress or the Presidency for eighteen of the twenty years since I left office, and yet in that short time you’ve managed to double the size of the federal budget, add hundreds of new federal agencies, and destroy the optimism of the American people,” ranted Reagan. “Good going, geniuses.”
The furious phantom cataloged hundreds of grievances against modern Republicans, including the creation of the Department of Homeland Security, passing policies that helped inflate the housing bubble, and rampant pork barrel spending, which he referred to as “absolutely vomit-inducing.”
“Don’t even get me started on the current candidates that have been invoking my name as if they somehow represent the values that I stood for,” said the apparition, an hour into the diatribe. “McCain, Romney, Huckabee… who do these jokers think they’re fooling?”
In order to eliminate any further confusion, Reagan laid out some simple actions that today’s Republicans could take to truly carry on his legacy.
“First off, every current representative and senator needs to resign—right now,” he said. “Secondly, at least seventy-five percent of current government programs are a total waste—get rid of them. Also, it wouldn’t hurt to try smiling once in a while.”
As he wrapped up his post-mortem speech, he exhorted the American people to take action. “Don’t get me wrong,” said the spirit. “I’m not saying you should vote for Democrats. The entire system needs to be purged of the self-serving frauds and phonies that have spread like a virus through all levels of government.”
“I know that America’s future can be bright once again,” said Reagan, as he faded from view, “no thanks to today’s so-called Republicans.”