What began as a routine bi-weekly work session for the Marysville City Council turned into an all-out brawl yesterday when tensions over a proposed tractor ordinance boiled over.
The regulation, which was introduced by councilmember Carmen Rasmussen, would restrict downtown streets to only non-tractor traffic every Thursday evening. “Some of the townsfolk have reported difficulties getting to the farmers’ market,” said Rasmussen as she introduced her proposal.
Tractor policies have long been a heated point of contention in Marysville city politics, having been the source of the tractor strike of ’45, the tractor bacon eruption of ’63, and the great tractor riots of ’96, when dozens of tractors descended on City Hall in a 5-mile-per-hour blur of oversized tires and painted green steel, leaving downtown Marysville in shambles.
Before Rasmussen could even finish reading her proposed ordinance, Mayor Jeff Seibert flew into a vicious, red-faced rage, turning over the table and hurling chairs across the council chamber. “NO… MORE… TRACTOR… RESTRICTIONS… Y’ALL,” he shrieked, as he ripped off his shirt and sucker-punched councilmember Jeffrey Vaughan. “He had given that fink Rasmussen an approving look,” he later explained.
Although he later admitted to having no strong opinions on the tractor issue, councilmember Lee Phillips immediately joined in the ruckus, throwing gut-punches and kicking the shins of anyone foolish enough to get in his way.
Then things got ugly.
The remaining councilmembers all jumped into a small pool of jello and began pulling hair, poking eyes, and twisting one another’s noses. Small explosions began emanating from the jello, but the councilmembers appeared to be unfazed, and continued the violence unabated. Evidently, the tub of jello contained suspended pockets of water and potassium, and had been brought in by a local middle-school class that was waiting in the chamber to present their class science experiment to the council.
After three hours of intense carnage, the fighting finally died down, and the councilmembers made their way home. “I just want to go home, go for a nice tractor ride, and get some sleep,” said councilmember Jon Nehring.
“Hopefully we can all just pretend this never happened,” said Mayor Seibert. “Wait, you’re not with the press, are you?”