Bigoted Bumper Sticker Sighted, Punished

When Harrison Jenkins woke up on Monday, he thought his day would be no different than any other—go to work, banter about the usual inoffensive topics, do his job, listen to NPR… all the usual stuff. Unfortunately, Harrison’s tranquil bubble of tolerance and open-mindedness was violently popped as he drove the carpool to work on I-405.

“I was just driving along, minding my own business, chatting with my coworkers about the new organic rice puffs at Trader Joe’s, when all of a sudden, I see this pickup truck in front of me in the carpool lane with the most repulsive pair of bigoted bumper stickers imaginable,” said Jenkins. “On top was—I’m sorry, it’s just so disturbing—they actually had a Bush/Cheney sticker, and underneath that was one for… John McCain.”

When the group noticed the inflammatory, narrow-minded decals, spread out before them like a flaming cross in the middle of the highway, the innocuous carpool conversation came to a sudden halt. Jenkins knew what must be done. Without saying a word, he pulled in as close as possible to the offending vehicle, and proceeded to punish their audacious display of bigotry by tailgating them for the next five miles.

“The gall of some people really is incredible,” he said. “We really gave them something to think about. We simply do not tolerate that kind of intolerance in Seattle.”

“I thought Seattle outlawed Republicans,” said Cooper Smith, who carpools with Jenkins. “I can’t believe someone here in the great Emerald City would think that they could get away with such blatant malevolence toward all that is good and progressive.”

Once Jenkins and his carpool partners got to work, the flagrant display of conservative bile that he and his carpool-mates witnessed on the way in was the talk of the office. Most of his coworkers approved of his method of delivering justice by tailgating the perpetrator, although some wished he had gone further.

“I don’t know, I think I probably would have flashed my brights or something,” said Nina Tomlinson. “Or maybe pulled alongside and shot the filthy war monger an icy glare.”

“They really should have a phone number to report such vile displays of vulgarity,” said Jenkins. “Like, they have that 877-764-HERO for pollution-loving carpool violators and 866-LITTER1 for earth-destroying litterbugs; they should have 800-VILLAIN or something for reporting Republicans.”

Fortunately, Jenkins’ drive home was uneventful, and the remainder of his day played out as expected. “I’m usually a pretty laid-back guy,” he said, “but that kind of depravity really gets my blood boiling—I don’t think I could take another confrontation like that unless I’ve had at least a few weeks to cool off.”

About the Author

Ash Grimm
Naked Loon Political Reporter

15 Comments on "Bigoted Bumper Sticker Sighted, Punished"

  1. thanks for a good laugh this morning!

  2. Amen; this was absolutely delicious!

  3. Seattle and Marin are so similar…

  4. Just reading those offensive stickers made me vomit reflexively.

    I’m so glad they aren’t tolerating that intolerance up there in Seattle. Now if only the Bay Area would stop being a rat-hole for so many other conservatives…

  5. Oklahoma Sonics Fan | April 22, 2008 at 3:52 pm |

    On Earth Day no less… tsk tsk. But, you do what you must, even if you are destroying the earth in the process…

  6. Outstanding! Hit the nail on the head! All those eeeevillll Republicans need to be banished to the other side of the state. How dare they despoil our wonderful enclave.

  7. In 2004 I had a gigantic, magnetic red white and blue W that I’d stick on the back on my pickup truck before driving on I-5. Some of the looks that I got were classic, and I probably nearly ran some people over laughing so hard. Or maybe I did. It’s hard to tell when you’re driving something so big that uses so much gas.

  8. You Sir are a complete idiot and what is wrong with this nation!

  9. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SENSITIVE LIBERAL ? I THOUGHT YOU LIBBIES ARE FOR FREE SPEECH? SO MUCH FOR LIBERAL TOLERANCE

  10. ArmyOfAardvarks | September 8, 2008 at 11:09 am |

    If your message was “free speech is only for us [moderated]“, then I’m sure he got the message.

  11. nice photoshop there… actually no its a pretty lame attemp at photoshop. hahahahaha people actually think that is a legit picture?

  12. Seriously everyone is entitled to their own opinion just like you. I am so sick and tired of this stupid election. I thought liberals were suppose to be peaceful, but it seems times have changed. Before, I use to be for Obama, but after seeing how liberal the media is, and how they only attack McCain, I am happily voting for McCain and Palin. And by the way thats not a pickup truck.

  13. I sure would have loved to get one of you limp wristed sheeple to tailgate me. You would have got me a new truck.

  14. Next you people will be trying to steal the hard earned money of the hardest working Americans, banish free speech, abolish the constitution, nationalize whole industries, destroy the armed forces, ban religion, and ration healthcare! ooops. :(

  15. Why are the LIBS such angry violent people? Plenty of them here in MASS too although most dont have a job anymore now that Hope and Change has been elected

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