Seattle is the greatest city on the planet. Strange as it may seem, there are millions of people that have not been enlightened to this basic truth. I have helpfully compiled a "top 10" list that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt just how awesome Seattle truly is.
10) People in Seattle are more educated and more intelligent than the dim-witted populace of other cities.
9) Not only are we intellectually superior, we are also morally superior. We care about all the important things like saving the planet, stopping global warming, and buying organic. It feels good to be so good.
8) Politicians that tackle the important issues like plastic bag fees and automatic toilets. They are not afraid to take a stand, making bold statements like "we will not settle with the Sonics," then back down later when it becomes politically expedient.
7) The Olympic Sculpture Park. By bringing art outdoors, we put our city’s high-class sensibilities on display for everyone to see—but not touch.
6) Traffic. Lots of people complain about Seattle’s traffic. Good! Driving should be as inconvenient as possible, and anyone who chooses to get into an earth-killing car should be punished. I am so grateful that our city planners had the foresight to put in so many effective bottlenecks on our major freeways. Dropping I-5 to two lanes through the heart of downtown—genius!
5) With our overwhelming numbers and permanently installed cronies managing the elections, we essentially get to run state government however we want, even to the point of stealing elections, and there is nothing those yokels on the east side can do about it.
4) Paul Allen. What is not to love about a crazy billionaire that builds mind-bending buildings like the EMP just because he can? He is also responsible for bringing us the indispensable S.L.U.T., so useful for commuting.
3) Boeing! Microsoft! Amazon! Starbucks!
2) Very few children. Not only are children foul-smelling, wallet-draining, walking disease centers, but with all the problems our world is facing, it does not make sense to continue creating more new lives. It is so great to live in an enlightened city that knows the value of childlessness.
1) Over nine months of gray, cloudy, rainy weather every year is usually enough to keep the Californians away.
Seriously, I cannot think of a single place I could ever love more than Seattle. Anyone who believes that there exists a better city in this universe is deluded and probably Republican (but now I am being redundant).
The bottom line is this: There is not a single thing I would change about Seattle. It is the greatest city of all time.