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10 Reasons Seattle is Awesome and Should Never Ever Change

Spirit-crushing traffic is just one of the many things that make Seattle so great.
Nigel Jones | The Naked Loon↑ click to enlarge ↑Spirit-crushing traffic is just one of the many things that make Seattle so great.

Seattle is the greatest city on the planet. Strange as it may seem, there are millions of people that have not been enlightened to this basic truth. I have helpfully compiled a "top 10" list that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt just how awesome Seattle truly is.

10) People in Seattle are more educated and more intelligent than the dim-witted populace of other cities.

9) Not only are we intellectually superior, we are also morally superior. We care about all the important things like saving the planet, stopping global warming, and buying organic. It feels good to be so good.

8) Politicians that tackle the important issues like plastic bag fees and automatic toilets. They are not afraid to take a stand, making bold statements like "we will not settle with the Sonics," then back down later when it becomes politically expedient.

7) The Olympic Sculpture Park. By bringing art outdoors, we put our city’s high-class sensibilities on display for everyone to see—but not touch.

6) Traffic. Lots of people complain about Seattle’s traffic. Good! Driving should be as inconvenient as possible, and anyone who chooses to get into an earth-killing car should be punished. I am so grateful that our city planners had the foresight to put in so many effective bottlenecks on our major freeways. Dropping I-5 to two lanes through the heart of downtown—genius!

5) With our overwhelming numbers and permanently installed cronies managing the elections, we essentially get to run state government however we want, even to the point of stealing elections, and there is nothing those yokels on the east side can do about it.

4) Paul Allen. What is not to love about a crazy billionaire that builds mind-bending buildings like the EMP just because he can? He is also responsible for bringing us the indispensable S.L.U.T., so useful for commuting.

3) Boeing! Microsoft! Amazon! Starbucks!

2) Very few children. Not only are children foul-smelling, wallet-draining, walking disease centers, but with all the problems our world is facing, it does not make sense to continue creating more new lives. It is so great to live in an enlightened city that knows the value of childlessness.

1) Over nine months of gray, cloudy, rainy weather every year is usually enough to keep the Californians away.

Seriously, I cannot think of a single place I could ever love more than Seattle. Anyone who believes that there exists a better city in this universe is deluded and probably Republican (but now I am being redundant).

The bottom line is this: There is not a single thing I would change about Seattle. It is the greatest city of all time.

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23 Comments on 󈫺 Reasons Seattle is Awesome and Should Never Ever Change”

  1. haha

  2. Delightful; thanks!

  3. Wow! Those are all the same reasons I love Seattle. Plus: I never have to walk more than a block to overpay for coffee.

  4. You Seattleites keep deluding yourselves into your superiority complex, however everyone in the Puget Sound knows that Bellevue is far superior to Seattle.

    If you folks in Seattle are so intellectually superior, why do you have homeless people on the street corners? We don’t have this problem in Bellevue.

    We have just as many gray days in Bellevue, and have you seen i405? I-5 has nothing on us! And really now, taking claim for Microsoft! That just sours the foam on my latte!

  5. SO, I am so sick of the sun (yes I am serous) I am seriously considering moving to Seattle but it does not seem like anyone there likes it very much. I am reading the same complaints about Seattle that I experience in Tucson. Maybe it is just that cities everywhere have there own degree of greatness and there own degree of suckiness.

  6. Yes, but it is only out-of-staters here that think like that. Us native Washingtonians have an entirely different set of values. Namely bitching about everyone who has moved here.

  7. I AM Republican – and I LOVE this city. I currently live in Houston and come here on business. I can’t get over how beautiful it is and the night life is great. Yeah there are alot of tree hugging hippies, but the ones that bathe are pretty cool to be around. Seriously though, I do like the fact that this city actively tries to protect the environment. The government just needs to be a bit more fiscally conservative.

  8. You need to install instant Facebook links. I would so link this article!

  9. Seattle rocks!!!!!!!! And their are lots of cildren their!!! So… so… GET YOUR FACTS RIGHT!

  10. of course you don’t have a homeless problem in bellevue. the police in bellevue are paid to remove the homeless from public sight so that all the pampered, sheltered rich folks can get their starbucks lattes in the morning before they head to the mall, and do it without being faced with a very real problem that is worsening because of the widening gap between the impoverished, and the wealthy who can afford to pay tax dollars to have the homeless removed from the streets.
    superior? more like inferior. the truth is, bellevue wants to be as awesome as seattle so bad that it’s just painfully obvious. seattle may not be as hip as it was back in the 80′s and 90′s, but compared to the cultural wasteland that is bellevue, it’s still an amazing city.

  11. We have TROLLS under our bridges. And you’re telling me that land of the rich people is supposed to be…what..epic or something? Tell me…who do you think you’re KIDDING? xD

    Seattle is indeed better than Bellevue. Sure you guys have …what…a freaking shopping center?
    You do not have gasworks, or woodland park zoo, or Capitol Hill, or the Ave, or FREMONT, or Wallingford park, nor do you have trolls as epic as ours under YOUR bridges, or good music venues, or Seattle Drum School, or Solstice, or the original Pagliaccis, or Greenlake, or Bumbershoot, or the marvelous SAM, or….well the list continues.

    Bellevue is just plain boring.

  12. I like Seattle and Bellevue and most other places in western Washington.
    I also like California, and everywhere else on the west coast.

    It’s just nice.

  13. First: I love Seattle and will be returning with my family next March (OH NO A CHILD!!!)
    2nd I cannot wait to feel the cool cool Pacific breezes blowing up my kilt.
    3nd: I see the intended humor and raise you this:
    You name those corporations (B,M,A,S) yet also speak of tree hugging?
    I challenge that those 4 Corps, are amongst the leading polluters in the country. (Seriously Airplanes and the billions of products sold on Amazon, as well as the billions of coffee cups, computers and all associated garbage from upgrades?? )
    Mind you I care nothing for your mythical GLOBAL WARMING/CLIMATE CHANGE (OOOOOOOO!!!! Al Gore just made a buck because I used his trademarked words. BTW Climate Change? Nice ambiguity the climate shifts either way and AL the DOUCHE and his ILK win the point)
    I can’t wait to get home and I promise to try my best to look you in the eye as I drive by on the surface streets in my 3 MPG 500HP SUV, no promises though. (Note: I never use the cargo area for NOTHING!)
    I will also bring some soap so you may wash the essential oils out of your hair, new studies show they are poisoning Ear Wigs, Jackalopes, and the Wheedle on the Needle (shame on you)

    See you next spring,
    August

  14. AND Seattle + Washington has some of the best marijuana and marijuana policies (:

    Besides that, Seattle AREA is just amazing to be in.

  15. Chicago. Later.

  16. those are stupid reasons you make me want to avoid seattle with those comments.

  17. There is no reason to call other cities or states illiterate. Just saying when you go posting bad things about other cities online where EVERYONE can read it is some what illiterate yourself. By the way I’m pretty sure the reason why you hate childeren so much is because you dont have any.

  18. Spokane! :)

  19. Spokane can suck my balls

  20. So. I’m 3,000 miles away, and considering to uproot after college. I have no idea what “The Naked Loon” is… but your article deems you educationally incompetent, in my opinion. Not sure if you’re trolling future “movers” (I’ve noticed most Seattlites despise new arrivals) but this just sounds ridiculous. If I were to decide to start fresh in Seattle, I would hope the general populous wasn’t as partisan toward liberal views as you. Oh well, I guess some have to look out for the financial future of a city, while others write pointless articles for a sub-par online news feed. Good day.

  21. Spokane for the win!

  22. bwaahahahaha you all crack me up. washington is awesome. the world is awesome. diversity in seattle is the best, and wherever you go you can love it and succesful. so quit ur bitchin

  23. It amazes me how many comments on this website come from people who clearly don’t understand humor. However, if this article discourages people from migrating to Seattle, then I am all for it. If we could just send all the Californians back this place would be the peaceful hippy-mecca it used to be. Aaahhh, the old days….

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