Trust Me on this One: Dolphins are Stupid

I feel I just have to address something gone terribly wrong in this world: Dolphins. Yes, you heard me right, dang it. I said dolphins. Yeah, I know, you think they’re cute. You think they are smart. That’s what you’ve been told. Told by the system. THE SYSTEM! DO YOU HEAR ME?! THEY ARE FORCE-FEEDING YOU THESE LIES!!

Yeah, they may LOOK cute, and their trainers may SAY they are smart, but they are not smart. Not at all. (Imagine an uppity nasal voice here) “Dolphins are easily as intelligent as man because they develop complex social relationships with other creatures and display learning skills higher than any other animal. Really humans could learn a lot from dolphins. They have the intelligence to aide them in living full happy lives, without the instinct to use their intelligence to prey on other creatures. We are indeed inferior.”

Can you say “Brainwash”? I knew you could. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM! Dolphins may be smart for an animal, but they are INFINITELY STUPID compared to a man. Show me a dolphin book. Show me a dolphin writing ANYTHING without a human being training them to do it! Show me ANY tool they have ever made without encouragement from people. Even a MONKEY uses tools! They sit there in their little tanks and push their little buttons with their pointy little noses, and their trainers rave about how smart they are! Pteuey!

If Dolphins were smarter than humans, don’t you think they’d try and do something about our dumping our waste all over their habitat? Even if they could conceive of such a thing as rising up against mankind, they wouldn’t. Why? BECAUSE WE’D BLOW THEIR WATERY LITTLE CARCASSES TO KINGDOM COME WITH NUCLEAR MISSILES! THAT’S WHY!

The wars on drugs, terror, commies, and leprechauns would all pale in comparison to the fury that would rain down upon the world of dolphins if they were in fact dumb enough to be smart.

Don’t listen to those scientist dunderheads. The next time you are at a party and some know-it-all, so-called “marine biologist” tries to tell you that dolphins are smart, you tell them they are wrong, and if they don’t like it, they can go talk to Jaime Rodriguez.

About the Author

Jaime Rodriguez

Naked Loon Staff Columnist

5 Comments on "Trust Me on this One: Dolphins are Stupid"

  1. Yeah. Good point, Jaime. Let’s see a dolphin drive a car!

  2. Flipper was just a flounder! I knew it. I believed in him and all his wondrous and heroic powers. I suppose next I’m gonna find out that the Earth is really flat and that’s why I cant see around corners. Or, that there is no honey at Honeys. Whatever. I’m going fishing until I fall off the end of the Earth!!!

  3. You are so incredibly wrong. Dolphins are way smarter than humans.

    So there!

  4. Good point, well argued. It is so totally obvious that we are superior, because we have WMDs that would kill them all–and us, too–if they make any trouble…wait, that didn’t come out right. What I was trying to say was…uh…ummmm, it sounded so much better when we were chanting and poking the air with our fists…

  5. If we humans think that we are superior to animals then why do we humans make such a mess of the world?

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