Neighbors that Want Their Cats to Stay in One Piece Need to Keep Them Out of My Dang Yard

I’m a reasonable, tolerant person, but I admit, there are a few things that I do not tolerate:

  • intolerance
  • coffee beans that are not fair trade and certified organic
  • Wal*Mart
  • carbon emissions
  • the neighbors’ gosh darned cats in my yard

In fact, I’m putting out this official warning right now: Neighbors that do not want pieces of their cats to be individually wrapped and delivered on their doorstep need to keep them the heck out of my yard.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that I would personally do your precious pet harm.

I’m just saying that it would sure be a shame if your cat was in the middle of stalking the innocent little birds gathered around my backyard feeder, when suddenly out of nowhere a mysterious remotely-activated trap sprung up from the ground and cleanly separated Mr. Whiskers into four equal parts.

It would also be quite unfortunate if, just after dropping yet another rodent carcass on my back porch, someone accidentally turned on their vintage German WWII Flammenwerfer 35 flamethrower and instantly burned the little kitty to a crisp.

Were you aware that there are over three thousand instances of accidental doorstep dish of milk poisoning each and every year in the US? It’s true. I’m sure you can imagine what would happen to poor Fluffy if she somehow ended up drinking a few gallons of that tainted milk.

You probably don’t want any of these things to happen to your cat. Neither do I, which is why I’m warning you now. The fact is, accidents happen every day, and I don’t think you want to have to explain to little 4-year-old Melissa why Buggles won’t ever be coming home again.

So do us both a favor, and keep your dang cat out of my yard, mmm-kay?

Thanks, I knew we could come to a mutual understanding on this.

About the Author

Stephanie Wiltshire

Naked Loon Staff Columnist

11 Comments on "Neighbors that Want Their Cats to Stay in One Piece Need to Keep Them Out of My Dang Yard"

  1. People abuse animals and small children every day. I just thought this was in poor taste, and humorless.

  2. You’re certainly entitled to your opinion, Patti. Personally, I find inconsiderate people that let their cats roam unchecked throughout the neighborhood to be in poor taste and humorless.

  3. Cats suck.

  4. The thing about a farcical newspaper is that it is supposed to be funny.

  5. People who loved and lost a cat at a young age often freak out over the smallest joke relating to a cat dying.
    Thanks, Naked Loon, for being so goofy.

  6. Wow, I see that this issue is a sensitive one for some people. Those people probably should not click on this link.

  7. Hate to think what your solution is for other people’s unruly children and the neighbor’s barking dogs.

  8. Ash, thanks for linking us to that ridiculous blog. It was hilarious, especially because people read it and still thought it was real.

  9. Bob Snakely | June 15, 2008 at 3:16 pm |

    If carbon dioxide emissions are a problem honey, stop opening all those cans of cheap beer! Every time you do CO2 escapes and causes ‘climate change’ if you now accept that the earth is now cooling or ‘global crackpot warming’ if you believe that nonsense.

    I think the best thing for you to do about the cats is to put out dog food and water at night which will attract Coyotes to your yard and let them eat the neighbor’s cats. They run in packs downtown. As the great Roy Cohn used to say along with ‘tail gunner Joe’: nasty running dog socialists! Or you might try killing mice with D-Con then let the cats eat that…oh wait that could be illegal so don’t do that unless you want Seattle Trial Lawyers knocking on your door with massive civil law suits. You also might consider joining the Communist Party USA and ask them to come by and help you with your neighbors by putting down any Contras that might be trying to do away with ‘social progress’ being made in the Emerald City by sending out ‘capitalist’ cats to disrupt the neighborhood.
    GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR SOLUTIONS!

  10. A-MEN Stephanie! You go, girl! Preach-on… Preach-on!

  11. I loved the first sentence. I have seen too many intolerant people in this world. Keep going girl. You need to keep those dumb cats out of your yard.

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