New Study Proves the Extreme Benefits of Speeding

A new study released Friday finally proves what most Americans behind the wheel already knew: speeding saves time.

Specifically, speeding was found to save the average American roughly two minutes every day. This number was determined by analyzing vast amounts of data and performing deeply complicated calculations—it definitely was not pulled out of thin air.

The Loon Institute for Calculative Knowledge (LICK)—a highly regarded and definitely not fictitious think tank—conducted the rigorous study of the nation’s drivers by observing at least fifty vehicles over a period of approximately three hours on Friday afternoon.

LICK found that the average American travels twenty-nine miles each day in their car at an average speed of thirty-one miles per hour, spending a total of fifty-five minutes on the road. If not for speeding, the amount of time spent daily behind the wheel could likely be fifty-seven or even fifty-eight minutes.

The study also showed that in addition to saving precious minutes every day, drivers who speed also experience a number of other benefits:

  • Stop at the next traffic signal 30 seconds before those who don’t speed.
  • Burn more gas per mile, resulting in more frequent visits to the popular local hangout, your friendly neighborhood gasoline station.
  • Expanded social circle includes local EMTs and traffic enforcement officers.
  • Satisfied feeling of supporting local government upon payment of speeding citations.

About the Author

Frigyes Karinthy
Naked Loon Neighborhood Correspondent

7 Comments on "New Study Proves the Extreme Benefits of Speeding"

  1. I just want to say that I find the Loon an invaluable source of “truth at slant”. Keep it up.

  2. Those benefits are definitely worth it!

  3. Now THATS the kind of survey I can really appreciate. I sure do hope my tax dollars were used to fund it. If so, I say “HOORAY” they finally spent it on something worthwhile!

  4. Wait, speeding burns more gas?

  5. Speeding also helps the economy by raising the speeder’s insurance rates. A lot. Don’t ask me how I know.

  6. And let’s not forget the best reason: it’s fun.

  7. this article wa dsthe worst ever written!! You people need a reason to speed you don’t care about the hmm lets see.. POLLUTION,AND KILLING SOMOENE!!

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