How To: Avoid Layoff-pocalypse Victimization
Nigel Jones | The Naked Loon↑ click to enlarge ↑
With something like eleven out of every ten companies in the Seattle area laying people off these days, it’s probably about time for those of you who still have a job to plan your layoff apocalypse survival strategy.
Intrepid Naked Loon staff members have endured a grueling schedule packed full of interviews with firing managers, library visits to scour the internets, and hour after hour crunching HR statistics—all to help you keep your job. Aren’t we great.
Our in-depth study uncovered the following four foolproof tips that will help even the most incompetent employee avoid being laid off. Of course, the approximate crossover between incompetent employees and Naked Loon readers is exactly zero, so there is clearly no danger of these tips being misappropriated to subsidize ineptitude.
Eat More Bacon
Research shows a direct negative correlation between the amount of bacon consumed daily and the likelihood of losing one’s job. In other words, the more bacon you eat, the less likely you are to get the ax.
Scientists have not come to a consensus on the cause for the bacon connection, but it is definitely real. Don’t take our word for it, feel free to check Wikipedia yourself. On the other hand, any time spent searching Wikipedia is time that you’re not using to eat bacon, and therefore saving your job…
Feed Their Addictions
It’s an obvious fact, but one many people tend to overlook: the less productive your coworkers are, the better the chances are that they’ll be the ones to get the boot instead of you. But how can you ensure that your (soon-to-be-former) fellow employees will experience a sudden and dramatic plunge in productivity? By giving away free electronic Sudoku machines, of course.
Who can resist the allure of Sudoku, especially in handheld electronic form? Nobody, that’s who. For just ten dollars a pop, you can deliver a pocket-sized distraction to everyone in the office, leaving you free to run circles around them come performance review (i.e. – layoff prep) time.
Drive Them Insane (Literally)
If you’re short on money for distracting gadgets, perhaps you can afford to invest some time instead. Sending someone to the loony bin is easier than you might think.
Possible methods for guaranteed insanity in five days or less include the disappearing-reappearing platypus, sudden bedroom rearrangement, the phantom cell phone ringer, hidden electroshock therapy, and of course the classic “how did I end up in Kyrgyzstan?”
The Mexican Legal Strategy
If all else fails, never underestimate the power of a simple bribe. Think about it… Who is your boss more likely to write a pink slip? The productive, reliable employee that has been with the company for ten years, or the two-year new guy that’s buying him steak dinners every Friday?
Of course, the key to effective bribery is to make sure you don’t get caught. Do: “Bump into” the boss in the parking lot and drop hints about what you’re willing to do to protect your job. Don’t: Raise your hand during a company-wide meeting and lay out all the details of your offer.
Let’s Keep This Between Us
It goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway… Don’t share these tips with your coworkers, dummy, because that would kindof defeat the whole purpose. When it comes to the Great Depression: Part II, it’s every ruthless capitalist for him or herself.