Friday, October 31, 2014
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Get the Jump on Winter Blubber

A body full of bulbous bags of blubber is no laughing matter.
Nigel Jones | The Naked Loon↑ click to enlarge ↑A body full of bulbous bags of blubber is no laughing matter.

The first in a several part series focused on fighting the holiday pounds and getting in shape for the gloomy winter months.

Thanksgiving just happened again and no doubt there are several Puget Soundians out there that have moved to the “winter” belt already.

Well fear not dear readers, for with the help of the ever-vigilant Naked Loon, you will not remain out of shape forever. As your host for this series, I intend to do everything in my power to ensure that we will all live a long, full life without ever having to hear the phrase “whale man” ever again.

Before we embark on our new journey towards healthy living I feel that we should get to know each other a little bit. The best way to work this (since you’re puny internet people that I don’t know IRL) is for me to do all of the talking and completely ignore whatever it is you were going to say. So let’s get to it.

A year ago I was just like every one of you, an underemployed 20-something wallowing in a pit of self loathing and despair. Then I looked at my reflection on the TV during an unusually long pause between commercials and said “If I could just lose 15 pounds I would be wonderful and young and attractive.”

So what did I do? Well, about 4 months later I finally did something about it, and now I am an underemployed 20-something wallowing in a cave of fear and trembling, built by the fall of civilization around me.

Being a born and raised Seattleite, I was willing to try anything other than a conventional, professionally crafted workout program. So, without further ado, here is a short list of “Fitness Programs” which my in-depth personal studies have shown may produce a body sculpting result:

Wii Fit
It’s aerobics. It’s a video game. ‘Nuff said. (Plus, I hear you can play it with your butt.)

Feats of Strength
Have you ever hoisted a Volvo above your head? Or bent a steel bar into a circle? How about tearing a phone book in half? Well my friends, these things aren’t reserved solely for Festivus anymore.

The world may no longer be full of mustachioed strongmen wearing tiger print loincloths and lifting comical barbells, but it seems like anywhere you look these days there are people doing extraordinary things.

Some of the most overlooked feats of strength include punching holes in cement walls, power screaming, and hurdling babies. Plus if you’re exceptionally good at what you do there’s easy money to be made as a street performer. So get your busker’s permit, buy a sack of Duracells, head out to the city center, and start chowing down.

Pre-Chewed Foods
The first thought that comes up when one decides to lose weight is naturally to stop eating. Let me be the first to tell you that this is not only unhealthy, it might possibly be dangerous.

However there is a way to continue eating while getting almost zero nutritional value from the food. Yes, I’m talking about pre-chewing.

Pre-chewing has been Hollywood’s best kept secret for nearly 40 years. Did you know that Calista Flockhart actually had 3 production assistants on the set of Ally McBeal whose sole responsibility was to chew and re-chew any food before she ate it?

If you allow another person’s saliva to break down the harmful calories and vitamins found in food you can exist on completely non-nutritional stomach filler and eat as much as you want! Of course, I’m not the only one advocating thrice-chewed foods. Retailers like Trader Joe’s are getting in on the action with new products like Gummed Bears and the Charleston Pre-Chew candy bar.

Rare & Tropical Diseases
Have you ever seen an episode of House where a Fatty McFatterson lies in the bed for 42 minutes while the cranky guy and the other one try to figure out what’s wrong? Neither have I.

The reason for this is simple: diseases are sexy.

FACT: everyone that ever died of the plague left a gorgeous corpse. Some women of the time even tried to contract the disease in an effort to entice that charming suitor down the lane.

Sure you can start with medical issues like Ringworm and upset stomach, but if you’re looking for a true body sculpting effect I would suggest diseases primarily found in fourth world countries or some of the smaller planets.

My personal favorites include “Chronic Dilapidation”, “Dinosaur Toes”, “Brain Worms”, and “Double Instant Psychosis”. Or you could just choose anything from this handy internet list.

Mosh pits
I know most of you cringe when you hear the phrase above. In every seminar I teach this is the point where a thousand hands go into the air and I have to give my rebuttal to the claim that “you don’t ‘mosh’ to smooth jazz.”

Here comes the rebuttal… are you ready for it? …jazz sucks!

Now that the air is clear let’s focus on the real topic at hand, moving to your music. Dancing, as it’s been called since Eli Whitney coined the phrase in the late 20’s, has been a part of human culture since the very beginning. There are dances for every range of mobility from the Waltz to the Superbowl Shuffle, from Breakin’ to the Carlton.

The reason I suggest moshing is that the mosh pit is nearly a 1:1 parallel of the Thunderdome. If you don’t keep moving you die. While you’re struggling for your life in the midst of a hurricane of human carnage you drop whatever is not important to you including the fat.

To be continued…
Well people that’s all you get for today. If I told all my secrets on day 1 I’d be out of job. Stop in next time when I’ll have some special tricks designed specifically for the high-speed world of today.

Remember, lighter is brighter.™

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One Comment on “Get the Jump on Winter Blubber”

  1. I can’t wait until I finish this tin of Almond Rocha so I can put these suggestions to the test. I’m especially interested in pre-chewing if only I could get my cat to like hot pockets.

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