Friday, December 19, 2014
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Brutally Beat the Winter Doldrums. To Death.

An exploding fake Christmas tree ($79.99 at Archie McPhee) is always a great way to spice up boring family get-togethers.
Nigel Jones | The Naked Loon↑ click to enlarge ↑An exploding fake Christmas tree ($79.99 at Archie McPhee) is always a great way to spice up boring family get-togethers.

Ahh, winter. That glorious season of 8-hour daylight, bitterly cold nights, endless rain, and obligated time spent tolerating relatives. What’s not to love about it?

Of course, there are some people who tend to get down in the dumps as winter rolls around, and even though the staff here at The Naked Loon is “insensitive,” “detached,” and “evil,” we’re not the type to rub our winter-blues-immunity in others’ faces.

Fortunately for you, dear reader, we at The Naked Loon are not like the filthy, condescending birds that constantly mock us regarding their innate ability to fly. “Look at me! I’m flying! I don’t even have a brain the size of a kiwi, and I can just fly right off this roof! Isn’t that swell?” Stupid birds.

But where were we? Oh right, constructive ideas for how to get yourself up out of that winter slump. And what better time to prepare yourself than an entire month before winter even hits? So let’s get started.

Ultra-Short Daylight Hours
Sure, you could mope about, lamenting the fact that it’s dark when you get to work, and dark again when you leave for home, but what good does that do you? Instead try using a little of that famous Seattle ingenuity to take advantage of all that extra darkness.

For instance, you could bring a 10 pound sack of potatoes in your car, and as you’re driving down a busy street just toss it out the window. Thanks to the darkness, your neighboring drivers’ imaginations take over at that point, and that sack of potatoes becomes a small child, a dog, or a stash of illicit drugs. Hilarious!

Or how about filling up your car with a few thousand of those neon glow sticks so you look like some kind of freaky alien craft as you travel down the road? And of course there’s always the old standby “see if you can make it all the way home without turning on the headlights.” That one’s pretty fun, too.

Bitterly Cold Nights
Bitter cold means freezing temperatures all night, which of course means that when you pour a few five-gallon buckets of cold water over your car, it quickly becomes an ice shield, protecting the car from harmful air or falling leaves, plus not being able to open the doors will prevent thieves from stealing your car overnight.

Outdoor ice can also be useful as a home protection device—just pour the water all over your sidewalk, and sleep easy knowing that any would-be intruders are laid out on your lawn with a concussion, as seen in Home Alone.

But bitter cold isn’t just good for free security; it can be fun, too! Try turning on your neighbor’s garden hose at night, and behold the sweet ice sculptures that result all over his lawn in the morning. Or you could get a bunch of friends together and play “how long can you lay face-up on the ground outside in nothing but your underwear?” Good times.

Endless Rain
Seriously, what can’t you do with rain? Lots of rain means lots of puddles, which of course means lots of HUGE SPLASHES when you drive your car right through them or jump directly into the middle with both feet. Bonus points if there happen to be defenseless children or elderly people near enough to get soaked by the resulting tsunami.

Or what about re-routing your neighbor’s gutters so they pour the water right into the foundation, turning the ground beneath his home into soft mud, and the whole building sinks five or six feet overnight? Imagine the look on his face—priceless.

Family Time
Many people dread spending the holidays with family. Maybe it’s because they only see these family members once a year (or less), or maybe it’s because Uncle Joe is going to show up and get drunk and try to play darts with the cat again, and you’re the one that has to get the blood stains out of the carpet.

Even dreaded family get-togethers can be a source of entertainment with just a little help from Mr. Rumor and Ms. Gag Gift. For example, whisper something like “don’t tell Susan (your 25 year-old sister), but I think Uncle Joe (your wild-eyed 50 year-old single uncle) has a serious crush on her” into your other sister’s ear, and let the amusing awkwardness commence.

Or what about your extra-conservative grandparents? Don’t you think they would just love to open up their gifts during family time and find some sexy lingerie and an erotic massage book? Of course they would.

Make Winter Your [censored]
As you can see, any potentially depressing situation can be turned around for the better. All it takes is a few ounces of creativity, a half-cup of deviousness, and a dash of criminal intent.

If all else fails and you find you just can’t do without that summer-induced buzz, the best solution is probably just to move back to California. Seriously. You’re not wanted here. Leave.

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One Comment on “Brutally Beat the Winter Doldrums. To Death.”

  1. “If all else fails and you find you just can’t do without that summer-induced buzz, the best solution is probably just to move back to California. Seriously. You’re not wanted here. Leave.”

    Haha that was the best!

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