RIAA Enforcers Take Down Unauthorized Christmas Cyclist
Courtesy Citizen Rain / RIAA
Enforcement agents from the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) put a sudden and decisive stop to a flagrant violation of intellectual property rights in the Bothell area on Tuesday.
The RIAA legal department—which makes up 97% of the organization—learned of the notorious “Northshore Christmas Biker” thanks to a tip from Citizen Rain, a Seattle-area community blog operated by KING 5 Television.
According to Citizen Rain, Jim Olsen of Bothell has utilized the seemingly-innocuous cover of “spreading Christmas cheer” to engage in the unlawful and immoral practice of publicly broadcasting copyrighted music for over a decade.
RIAA Bootleg Statisticians (or “BSers”) have calculated that for every mile he rides his mobile copyright violation machine, Olsen deprives artists of $150,000. Over the course of the last decade, RIAA BSers estimate that the Northshore Christmas Biker has been directly responsible for over three hundred million dollars in lost revenue, and is personally responsible for the starvation of no fewer than eight RIAA artists.
“We take copyright violations very seriously,” said RIAA spokesman Mitch Sherman. “When we learned of this repeat offender, we immediately dispatched our Seattle-based intellectual-property enforcement squad to eliminate the threat.”
A squad of seventeen black-clad RIAA agents staked out a route known to be favored by the Northshore Christmas Biker on Tuesday night. When Olsen approached, they leapt out of the shadows, knocked him off his Christmas-light-speckled transport, and whisked him and his electronic copyright infringement device away to an RIAA holding cell in an undisclosed location.
“Over the years, we have learned that evil hard-bitten criminal scum come in all shapes and sizes, from seven-year-old girls to grandmas,” said Sherman. “But rest assured, Mr. Olsen will be afforded the same legal protections as the thousands of other music ‘sharing’ communist sympathizers we have detained in the last decade.”
RIAA agents encourage anyone that is witness to any form of musical copyright violation to call their intellectual property hotline at 800-373-6789 (800-FRDM-SUX).Rate this story: